What now? (WARNING: story)

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by usedman93, Jan 14, 2011.

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  1. usedman93

    usedman93 Member

    Well, I have a story to tell, and, please bear with me....

    I was extremely... just pissed off. I was trying to get away, and wait for it to boil down. My older sister couldn't have that. I had to do my chores, and she made me do them before my step dad got home. Then, my brother pretended to call my mom, and handed the phone to me, I got even more angry. I wouldn't have minded as much if he would've called her, it's just the fact that 1) he tricked me, and 2) he lied to me. In my rage, i threw the cordless phone at him, and it hit him, and he began to cry. My sister came back downstairs (she had gone to her room after terrorizing me) and started yelling at me, all the things I didn't want to hear, the only one I remember is that she said that I should "grow some balls" and that did it. After she berated me, I was scared, confused, angry, and feeling pretty worthless, so I got my knife from my room, walked into the kitchen, put it to my neck and screamed at her, "You want me to grow some balls!?!?" and she became hysterical. She begged me to stop, and, then, it wasn't her pleading; it was my mom. A saw her crying at a funeral, and I just couldn't do it. I went to the nearest door, and chucked the knife out. It now lies buried under 2 feet of snow.

    Afterward, I told my brother and sister both that I was sorry for putting them through that, and I think that I really hurt my sister... I told her that I couldn't apologize enough times for what I did to her, and explained my emotional state at the time, telling her that I was fine, and tried to give her peace of mind.

    I also want you to know that I have these thoughts when I get berated... especially by my step dad. I've told my mom about it once to keep from doing it, and she told him. Next time, when he yelled at me, when I was taking it better than normal, and he told me that, next time I thought of suicide, tell him, and he'd do it for me. My mom doesn't know about this, and, if I tell her about any of this, I the consequences could be dire. I fear that she will confront him about this, and that things will get ugly.

    Now, I have a few questions:
    What do I do for my sister? How do I help her deal with this?
    Should I tell someone? Should I go to a mental hospital of some kind? The way I see it, there's clearly a problem...
  2. warrabinda

    warrabinda Well-Known Member

    how old are you?
    how old are you siblings?
    how long have you had suicidal thoughts?
    I think in a way what happened is a stark reminder that you need some help.
    I wonder, if i may add whether hormones that are causing havoc in your system are contributing to behaviour?
    How is your sister now?
    about what your dad said - i'm not one to judge other people's parents but i wonder and hope that his rather ... distasteful reply was grounded in concern. you know trying to 'scare' you out of it.
    parents aren't perfect people, that doesn't mean they shouldn't take your feelings seriously.
    have you ever seen any counsellor before about this?
  3. usedman93

    usedman93 Member

    in order, I am 17, brother is 12, (step) sister is 17, 13 was the first time, but they really started happening at 15. Hormones are a possibility, she seems normal as of this moment, and, no, there aren't even any counselors around that I know of... I kinda live in the middle of nowhere.

    Another factor may be that I find myself unable to trust anyone, and that I get increasingly paranoid about things... even when I tell myself that it makes no sense.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 14, 2011
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