time and distance hasn't helped. its been 3 years and still frequent desire. even when i'm "happy". its not because of anything anyone else has done to me like so many others. i'm not a victem. (technically i am, but i dont see myself as one. i accept all that has happened to me without emotion.) i simply hate who i am. i have tried bettering myself to no avail. i dont have enough to put into it. waiting and distance only gives me time to think out and research better methods. i've had a few failed attempts which only add to my sense of failure. i cant believe that despite the professions of love by family that all of them wouldnt be so much better off without me. i cant stand myself. i hate everything from my appearence to my personality. all i see are flaws and failures. i am worthless. i dont know what to do anymore. i did counseling. i did pills. i did everything you are supposed to do and yet here i am. i cant make myself live for myself....i hate myself and think the world shoud be rid of me. i cant make myself live for others...i just feel so sure they will be better off without me. it all just feels so hopeless and i feel so damn empty. so what do i do now? i'm trying. society tells me i should live. biology tells me i should live. religion tells me i should live. so here i am trying one last time to find the magic cure that will make that attainable. what i really want is to know a "fool-proof" and peaceful method to end it all, but i promised my husband i wouldn't kill myself so i'm looking for a life-preserver of sorts. ive been dealing with this for over 3 years, self-mutilation for 12 years. no simple candy-coated "hold on for five minutes" is going to get me anywhere anymore, i'm past that. my word is all thats holding me now. and its only a matter of time before i am able to rationalize away any commitment to my word. my pain isnt external. its internal. how do you fight that? i wasnt dumped. no one important to me died. i just have never been someone i have liked. i've always felt alone and empty. my soul feels dead and all i want is for my body to match. how do i fix that?