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what now?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by abyss, Jan 19, 2008.

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  1. abyss

    abyss Well-Known Member

    time and distance hasn't helped. its been 3 years and still frequent desire. even when i'm "happy". its not because of anything anyone else has done to me like so many others. i'm not a victem. (technically i am, but i dont see myself as one. i accept all that has happened to me without emotion.) i simply hate who i am. i have tried bettering myself to no avail. i dont have enough to put into it. waiting and distance only gives me time to think out and research better methods. i've had a few failed attempts which only add to my sense of failure. i cant believe that despite the professions of love by family that all of them wouldnt be so much better off without me. i cant stand myself. i hate everything from my appearence to my personality. all i see are flaws and failures. i am worthless. i dont know what to do anymore. i did counseling. i did pills. i did everything you are supposed to do and yet here i am. i cant make myself live for myself....i hate myself and think the world shoud be rid of me. i cant make myself live for others...i just feel so sure they will be better off without me. it all just feels so hopeless and i feel so damn empty. so what do i do now? i'm trying. society tells me i should live. biology tells me i should live. religion tells me i should live. so here i am trying one last time to find the magic cure that will make that attainable. what i really want is to know a "fool-proof" and peaceful method to end it all, but i promised my husband i wouldn't kill myself so i'm looking for a life-preserver of sorts. ive been dealing with this for over 3 years, self-mutilation for 12 years. no simple candy-coated "hold on for five minutes" is going to get me anywhere anymore, i'm past that. my word is all thats holding me now. and its only a matter of time before i am able to rationalize away any commitment to my word. my pain isnt external. its internal. how do you fight that? i wasnt dumped. no one important to me died. i just have never been someone i have liked. i've always felt alone and empty. my soul feels dead and all i want is for my body to match. how do i fix that?
  2. D3ath

    D3ath Well-Known Member

    It's obvious your hurting, and that you really love your husband because it sounds like your in alot of pain yet you promised not to hurt yourself - thats good :).

    It sounds to me you got a lack of self confidence about yourself which may be fueling your depression. Dont worry because theres alot of help out there. Even little things can help boost your self confidence such as a new haircut etc.

    Maybe you could do with some pampering or something im not sure, or arrange days out with friends, or join a group to meet new people volounteering is a nice way because you pretty much garunteed to meet nice people :). Theres even some courses out there designed to boosts people self confidence.

    Obviously the fact you got your husband means something right? :)
  3. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    It sounds like you want some purpose to your life abyss. Have you ever tried doing some community service? It is very fulfilling to help others in need and you might like it.
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