What now?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Kemra, Mar 24, 2009.

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  1. Kemra

    Kemra Well-Known Member

    Just can't do it anymore.. I've tried and tried, but this world has no place for me and I don't even think it wants me around. Tonight I was actually feeling not too bad, my thoughts of suicide still there but I felt.. almost my old self, so I decided pizza, beer and a movie might be a welcome change to sit and stare. Walking back up from the pub a young girl, maybe 13-14 walks up to me in tears and asks if I knew the time for the next bus to Gagebrook (1 of the rough outer suburbs). Course I didn't and I asked her whats wrong, seemed a couple of the Gagebrook 'boys' had threatened to rape her at the bus mall up the road so she was heading for a stop further away.

    Instant anger on my part but I knew I'm no match for a gang of guys, had the crap beaten out of me enough times before to realise that. So I gave her some phone money, made sure she got inside a local shopping mall and told her to call metro and to call the cops, tell them to do a drive-by of the mall. poor thing was terrified when I mentioned cops, since Tassie cops are so bias against Gagebrook'ers they think normal human rights don't apply.

    Long story short made sure she was safe and went and picked up my pizza and walked back 'home', looked at the pile of my things my step-mother had piled outside my door in her eager anticipation for me to leave so she can have my shed as storage space, looked around my dingy room and realised I just can't deal anymore with any of this. My dad knows I'm suicidal and planning on leaving here next week with no home or place to go to and dosen't give a toss, my step-mom is beside herself in glee over having the shed I currently live in as storage space, though of course she wants it properly water-proofed and fitted out before doing so. My social worker didn't bother turning up 3 times in a row to give me the ride to my doctor's that she promised me faithfully a dozen times.

    Basically I have noone, I am noone, and I live in a world I detest, how could a girl that young be allowed alone by her parents? Wait, Gagebrook, drugs, or just plain didn't give a stuff, how can any form of human threaten a child with harm, what sort of world are we in where police instill fear in children. Maybe the world is de-sensitised, I'm not, my heart breaks to see others suffer despite what I have to go through everyday myself. Sure theres good people, but none in my life or world, all this racist and bigoted crap I have to smile and nod to everyday or be considered a weirdo, being beaten and spat on when I defend a minority,being treated like a leper because I dare have DiD and depression, even to the point of my own father dosen't give a shit whether I live or die.

    Crisis forum.. I'm in a crisis, as far as I'm concerned I have one last thing to do at the end of this week, someone to say goodbye to and lie to them and pretend I'm just leaving for somewhere with no net.. then thats it. There must be somewhere better than this life, even if its a cold, dark grave full of nothing. All these people making promises they don't keep to me in real life.. and all I want is an answer from any of them, what do I have left to live for? For years I had my cat, I had my work, even a couple friends, now I have nothing but an 'illness' ripping me apart from the inside, I just want it all to stop.
     
  2. Beautiful Disaster

    Beautiful Disaster Forum Buddy SF Supporter

    Hello :hug:

    I think you handled the situation with that girl well, you made sure she was in a save place and could call someone. She is not your responsibilty and youve helped her as much as you could

    as for you, im sorry that you feel that way about life. Its good to know that you are reaching out for help, too bad your social worker isnt showing up. Maybe you should look for another one who does show up!

    Even when you are going through a hard time you are thinking about other people.

    You know you can not save the world. First you need to feel good about yourself to help other people, if that is what you desire.

    But right now I would focus on you.
    Try not to depend on others. If you wanna go to a doctor, go.

    Admitting to yourself that you have an illness is a huge step,
    next step is getting help to get better.
    That is not gonna be easy, that is gonna be a long and hard road but you are worth it.

    You are in a crisis, but you can get out of it, trust me.

    Just please focus on you!

    :hug:

    Im here for you
     
  3. Kemra

    Kemra Well-Known Member

    I've been sick for a long time, years.. I've tried to help myself most of my life and now I'm so far gone I can't help myself, for the first time ever I HAVE to rely on others, but theres noone there for me. I've lived with my DiD for so long, even became successful at one point but in the end its worn me down, I've nothing and noone to rebuild my life for and when I lose what little sense of self I have left I'll have noone to take care of me. Not that I would burden that on anyone.

    I've walked the long hard road, crawled it at the worst times and now I feel like all I see at the end is a huge drop from a cliff, no bright future or signs promising hope.

    Theres a confession I'd like to make, for the past few years I've found some of the most important people in my life on the net, 1 in particular who knows me so well and expects my dissapearances and strange behaviour and was always there for me after I came out of it. And I need to say thankyou before leaving. I think thats important, and just in case I don't make it I need to say thankyou to people here as well, for your kindness to a stranger, to strangers in general. I said to JKore here once I didn't think this forum was so much about help as comfort, and thats so true, at least I've found a little comfort here. I just don't know if I can keep going at all anymore.
     
  4. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    honey....i am so so sorry for what you are going through.
    i do not understand people like your dad and step-mother. how could anyone throw you out on the street, knowing you've nowhere to go? i think they are beyond cruel. i would open my door to you if you were in my part of the world.

    i am not surprised that you helped this little girl. i am so angry that she was sad and afraid, and is only a baby.... i wonder where HER parents are, and are they cruel as your stepmother is being? i know you have a loving heart and i know you did feel the need to help her . you did everything right.

    there is beauty and love in the world. as you showed love to her - there is other love out there. you are not in a good place right now, to see that. and you have suffered for so long.

    but i ask you to hold on a bit longer....if you could contact your inept social worker, YET again, maybe speak to their superior, complain about their slip-ups in your care - and ask for a new case worker. tell them you are soon homeless - there have to be programs that can help you if you ask.

    it is easy for me to sit here and type that - i know you can think that honey. but the truth is, i care very much about you. i'd like to see you in a small place that you feel safe in, and one day have a new cat that you can love; never replacing your beloved one, but in honor of her, for sure.

    if you want to pm me with information, i could help you do a bit of research for your immediate area, but you may have better luck with your social worker, directly.

    please don't take your loving heart out of the world....we need it. you add to the world.....if you go we all suffer....:console:
     
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