I was at Walmart today trying on bathing suites and none of them fit me right. Just before I tried em on I paused and saw myself in the mirror and smiled, thinking okay. Stop being so down on yourself. You're kind of pretty and today you look fine... after throwing the third bathing suite down I burst into tears and involuntarily mouthed, you're a joke into the mirror. I am a big girl, have been my entire life but carried it well. Now I am older and it's changing. I've tried Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, soup diet, liquid, running until my knees gave out, pills, I'm not biggest loser big but seriously getting there. I looked at myself and just shook my head. I'm this huge blob, a pointless, loser, waste of skin and I hate myself. I'm not having a pity party, I don't feel bad for myself. I just hate ME! For years I dealt with my pro-ana mother telling me how fat I am and how she is so disappointed, my brother throws it in my face when he wants to feel better about himself and my comeback is always "I'm a good person, a great person so whatever!" Not cutting it now. I've been crying since 4:30. I need to tell them. I already know I am a loser okay?! I know I am a waste of life and I don't do/have anything. My life is in shambles and it's all my fault. I hate myself enough and if I wasn't so scared of dying I'd probably kill myself. Why do they insist and pushing all my faults in my face still? I'm so f***ing depressed. I have no friends here. I am alone all the time. People say you should apprieciate those times and relish in it blah blah blah. Really? Because I am alone all the time and I need someone with me. I go weeks without seeing ANYONE. I don't know what I am looking for but somebody please help me?! Save me! Please please please, help me stop feeling so sad, so pointless. What now? WTF do I do now?