They say there is 3 phases to suicide. Resolution. Initiation. Postponement. Resolution, the person is struggling with moral and ethical issues upon committing suicide. Initiation, the planning of committing the act. And the final phase, postponement. Waiting till the moment to carry out the said act. I'm at postponement. I'm gay. In the closet, and in an unwelcoming environment. I already planned everything, struggled with the inner battle of what may happen if I did remove myself from this world. Past it now. I'm still not sure when, but I know its fairly soon, and I know how I'm going to do it. I won't explain, if someone else is in my same shoes, I hope they seek help before they reach this point. To give a better insight on myself: I live in South Carolina. As most Americans know, the southern region of America is very religious, and also very unwelcoming of anything that does not follow in the set social lines given. Its not as bad as the days back then, but racism is still pretty prominent. My real name is Thomas. I'm African-American, supposedly raised as a christian. Ever since I hit puberty I did not see things like other "normal boys." Infact I just liked boys. Thats a sin in my religion. I won't have an all out debate about this, I just know its a sin in the way I'm taught. Also being African-American, we do have some cards stacked against us, and being gay and closeted in a heavily religious area. The cards have tripled. I just turned 20 as of August 29th. I finished High School over 2 years ago. I wanted to go to college, infact I wanted alot. But lets face it, I wasn't the smartest person in my class, my grades were poor. part of that being I was struggling with who I was and why I was gay. Being accused of being gay and trying so much to deny it and mold myself into a "real man of god." In the end, I only damaged any chances of a successful career. I'm also taught that killing yourself is also a sin. So its like a never ending battle thats been keeping me here. If there is a heaven and a hell, I know my soul will burn forever. I've asked God why am I this way, I tried "fixing" myself. No use. No point. I'm this way, and I accepted it. I can't possibly be sure that I want to end it if I'm here typing up a full page letter. I'm lingering on the edge of just saying I am. The only thing thats keeping me here is time, just when will I set out to finish this moment. I've tried saving my own self, looking for help, maybe even gay groups. Gay groups in South Carolina? Not many, at least none in my area. So i'm isolated. I've even been on craigslist seeking help, I just got exploited for my weakness. I didn't get help, I only got offers to "have a good time." I don't want a good time, I want someone to save me. I still live with my parents. My father semi knows about me being gay and absolutely told me that he'd throw me out on my head if I ever openly admit I was gay. Hence why I started "correcting" myself. It was just a mask. My parents are ok to a certain extent but they maybe part of the reason why I'm this way now. If only they were accepting, if only I was born in a different location. If only I wasn't gay. I wouldn't be in this situation. I've been depressed for over half of my life since I felt this way. Its now to the point where I just don't care. Or do I? My head is throbbing so much at this moment it would be a fine time to just carry out my plan. What should I do? Where can I go? What now? I always believed in Angels, so where is mine? I just hope someone out there will offer their love and support and pull me from this final step I'm about to take. I know that staying in this situation I'm in is a death sentence. I want out.