What now?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TomTom, Sep 29, 2009.

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  1. TomTom

    TomTom Member

    They say there is 3 phases to suicide. Resolution. Initiation. Postponement.
    Resolution, the person is struggling with moral and ethical issues upon committing suicide. Initiation, the planning of committing the act. And the final phase, postponement. Waiting till the moment to carry out the said act. I'm at postponement.

    I'm gay. In the closet, and in an unwelcoming environment. I already planned everything, struggled with the inner battle of what may happen if I did remove myself from this world. Past it now. I'm still not sure when, but I know its fairly soon, and I know how I'm going to do it. I won't explain, if someone else is in my same shoes, I hope they seek help before they reach this point.

    To give a better insight on myself:

    I live in South Carolina. As most Americans know, the southern region of America is very religious, and also very unwelcoming of anything that does not follow in the set social lines given. Its not as bad as the days back then, but racism is still pretty prominent.

    My real name is Thomas. I'm African-American, supposedly raised as a christian. Ever since I hit puberty I did not see things like other "normal boys." Infact I just liked boys. Thats a sin in my religion. I won't have an all out debate about this, I just know its a sin in the way I'm taught.

    Also being African-American, we do have some cards stacked against us, and being gay and closeted in a heavily religious area. The cards have tripled. I just turned 20 as of August 29th. I finished High School over 2 years ago. I wanted to go to college, infact I wanted alot. But lets face it, I wasn't the smartest person in my class, my grades were poor. part of that being I was struggling with who I was and why I was gay. Being accused of being gay and trying so much to deny it and mold myself into a "real man of god." In the end, I only damaged any chances of a successful career.

    I'm also taught that killing yourself is also a sin. So its like a never ending battle thats been keeping me here. If there is a heaven and a hell, I know my soul will burn forever. I've asked God why am I this way, I tried "fixing" myself. No use. No point. I'm this way, and I accepted it.

    I can't possibly be sure that I want to end it if I'm here typing up a full page letter. I'm lingering on the edge of just saying I am. The only thing thats keeping me here is time, just when will I set out to finish this moment.

    I've tried saving my own self, looking for help, maybe even gay groups. Gay groups in South Carolina? Not many, at least none in my area. So i'm isolated. I've even been on craigslist seeking help, I just got exploited for my weakness. I didn't get help, I only got offers to "have a good time." I don't want a good time, I want someone to save me.

    I still live with my parents. My father semi knows about me being gay and absolutely told me that he'd throw me out on my head if I ever openly admit I was gay. Hence why I started "correcting" myself. It was just a mask. My parents are ok to a certain extent but they maybe part of the reason why I'm this way now. If only they were accepting, if only I was born in a different location. If only I wasn't gay. I wouldn't be in this situation.

    I've been depressed for over half of my life since I felt this way. Its now to the point where I just don't care. Or do I? My head is throbbing so much at this moment it would be a fine time to just carry out my plan. What should I do? Where can I go? What now?

    I always believed in Angels, so where is mine? I just hope someone out there will offer their love and support and pull me from this final step I'm about to take. I know that staying in this situation I'm in is a death sentence. I want out.
  2. NoGood

    NoGood Well-Known Member

    I Thomas. Im not sure if i can help you as im on this website for some comfort aswell. But your post has touched me. You sound lovely. Im from Ireland so i dont understand completely about your background BUT i do understand your hurt and your emotions. I have a few gay friends and its hard to accept in any walk of life and probably even more so with the expectations that are on you but you are here on this forum and you can be open and honest and get things off your chest which i hope will help.

    Can I ask though, do you believe being gay is wrong? Im not gay but i dont believe its wrong, who is anyone to judge you?? Is there any way that you could move to a move comforting environment, perhaps move out of South Carolina? There are places in the world that you would fit into. Its hard at the moment because you feel you do not fit the mould but what if you where somewhere were you fit in and people understood you, surely you would be happier??

    As for not doing well in school, grades are not an accurate distinction to the person that you are. From your post and they way you got your feelings and emotions across and just the style of writing, I can tell that you are a smart and grounded person.

    as i said above Thomas, im not in the same situation as you but if you ever want a ear to talk to just drop me a pm.

  3. TomTom

    TomTom Member

    I do think it maybe wrong, but why should I force myself to live a life that I know won't make me happy? So I'd rather just be gay. I've seen and heard so many stories about closeted men that gotten married, and live a double life. I do not want to be that person.

    I wish there was a place for me to go, but I'm broke, I can't land a job anywhere. So this hometown of mine has become my prison. I have no friends, if I did I would probably have a better support system. There is no support here. Being male, I'm supposed to be tough, I can't even cry or be sad. So I will continue to walk around with a fake smile as if everything is ok.

    Thanks for the kind words, but anyone can string together a bunch of words to sound articulate.
  4. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Hi Tom and welcome. It sounds like you believe things won't change. I used to believe that way. You're broke but can you mow lawns or other things for people? You can save that money to leave the area later.

    It's a long, slow process, but it's a plan for life. In the meantime, keep researching on the internet. Look for groups that may be able to help you that are out of your area. Take your time to check them out.

    Also, please keep coming here.
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm sorry people have been so cruel to you. :hug: There's nothing wrong with being gay, and it's sad that people can't accept you for who you are.

    I agree with Chargette; can you find any small jobs ... anything that will bring in an income so that you can start saving to get out of there? It sounds like you could really be happy if you were able to move to a place where people were more accepting. In the meantime, maybe you could look online, try to find some support sites for people who are gay. But I hope you keep coming here too!

    I hope you don't go through with your plans, and if you ever need to talk, you can PM me anytime.
  6. raincloud

    raincloud Well-Known Member

    Hi, Thomas.

    Your post just breaks my heart! I'm sorry that you've been treated so badly. I grew up in Texas and I knew a couple of (closeted) gay boys at school, and I remember the humiliating things they went through. I'm aware of South Carolina's culture, and being a straight African-American there would be difficult enough!

    Have you thought about going to community college and improving your grades before moving on to a university? Since you are poor you could probably get a Pell Grant or some other kind of financial aid. From your writing I would say that you are very smart, but I think you've been conditioned to put yourself down. You might even be able to go straight to a four-year college. I got into grad school despite abysmal grades in college. It is totally acceptable to write a letter explaining any reason behind bad grades. If you show that you triumphed over adversity, they may accept you, anyway. I'm not saying you would have to proclaim your sexuality to the admissions committee, but even just claiming depression over family issues might suffice. I'm 100% positive that you would write a beautiful application essay. And to quote you: "Thanks for the kind words, but anyone can string together a bunch of words to sound articulate." That isn't true! Take it from me! When I work, I'm an editor, and I was a college writing tutor/instructor for a long time you wouldn't believe the horrors I have seen :wink:

    I don't know if you want to go to college anymore, but I just thought it would be good if you felt that you accomplished something. While I think it would be great if you could come out of the closet, I completely understand why you wouldn't want to at this point in your life. And that's fine. You're still young and many gay men and women don't come out until they're much older than you are. Also, college (probably even a community college in SC) is a good place to meet other gay people.

    There is NOTHING wrong with being gay.
  7. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hi Thomas. Wow you've got a stacked plate. You have really touched me so this is going to be long, bear with me and here we go.

    I think the very first thing you have to determine is ... are you truly happy, inside and out with being gay. If you can not live your life being happy with it, then your feelings are never going to change. I'm not talking about what would make your family or friends happy. Im talking about you. And no I dont mean well if you're not happy being gay then just stop. I know that is impossible as it isnt something you necessarily choose. It's not like a religion, if you dont like it then just pick a different one. But if you are not happy, or even a little undecided then there are other avenues for you to investigate. If you are happy then that is one battle done. You know who you are. Now it isnt a matter of making others understand. You know and they have to accept it or not. You cant control what others think , believe or feel. This is your life hun, you have to be able to live it in what ever way makes you happy or suits your needs best.

    As for the religious aspect, again, you cant change what people hold as deep beliefs. It is so unfortunate that people fall back on what their religion tells them rather than seeing people for who they are with their own eyes. There are many religions that have accepted gay lifestyles. Many that you would feel very welcome in. And yes I know in your community that is probably nonexistant. But thank goodness for the internet and google (lol)! Try finding an online denomination. It would give you a place to find a sense of belonging. Also as suggested before try connecting with a gay forum. If nothing else you will be among others that understand your problems and might have a few suggestions to help you.

    Angels? You just landed smack dab in the middle of hundreds hun. SF is filled with them, in the shape of the other members here. You have found a place with people that understand your feelings and pain. Angels that will help and support you anyway they can even when they are suffering themselves. I never judge a person by their race, religion or orientation. And the real angels here dont either. You now have a safe haven to voice your pains and demons with people that understand. A place to find the support you have been longing for. A place where you dont have to hide the real you. A place to be you.

    In your mind suicide is a solution. But up til now you havent had anyone to really share your thoughts and feeling with. Anyone to try and help you find resources to cope better. Now you have. Keep posting Thomas. Keep asking for help on the issues you cant see past yourself. Do you have a therapsit or counsellor you can talk to? They will have so many more resources for you. Also getting involved in a gay forum they too will have resources that you may not of thought of on your own. Suicide may be a solution but it's not the only one for you.

    Being 20 you're an adult now. Like someone else suggested, start doing even little jobs and tasks for others to make some money. Even that will give you chances. People might drop your name to others. Who knows you might even be able to start up a small scale landscaping business. Just doing lawns, planting and pruning etc. Or your own yard care service. South Caolina has the perfect climate for an almost all season business in those fields. Once you start you get to know other people. You can start getting your name out there and someone may have a steady paying job that they could hire you for. Start saving it up. Start looking for a place of your own. It will give you a goal to aim for. Something to live for, look forward to. I definitely think getting out from under your parents roof will give you such a huge boost. You wont have to always be on guard, pretending to be someone you're not. Finally having a chance to live as you.

    Okay, done. You can breath again (lol). Thomas you come across in your post as a person that is sensitive, caring and intelligent. A person that has a purpose but just needs a little help finding the path to it. So please stay and keep posting. I think there are members here that can help you become you again and not the mannequin you have become for the sake of others.
  8. TomTom

    TomTom Member

    I did go to a technical school for half a year but quickly pulled out. Still battling with what type of person I am and on top of that I had a job at a fast food joint. I didn't enjoy working there, the co-workers were just the same as the people I was forced to go to school with, even worse. While in technical school my grades still wouldn't budge, I just could never focus. Its hard to when you live this life.

    I was in the process of going to one of the colleges I figured would help me, become own self. Its far from home, and its a big city. I could be anyone else but this person that I am now. I even submitted an application and they awaited my transcript, but I got so scared of sending it in I never did. My parents keep asking me when am I going to head to college but I'm so scared if I tell them I couldn't get in, I'd be leting them down even more.

    My whole family looks at me as being this godsend child that I have to be perfect. Yet none of them can blankly see that I've basically had my soul ripped out by having to live by that set standard.

    As for mowing lawns, I'm not the most fit person to do such things. I did (still somewhat do) graphic design. The only thing that really makes me smile is getting compliments about my work from different strangers across the internet. But that alone isnt enough to fix my problems.

    Before I got to college I want to become that person I've hidden from others. I know it would be best for me to fix how I feel about myself. I've gone so much to hating to see my own reflection now. I hate mirrors now, I took all the ones out of my bedroom, so I'd minimize looking at myself.

    I only hoped I'd be able to meet one person who'd be willing enough to pull me from the area I'm in so I can start anew, but that just seems like train wreck of a dream. I just want to start over, but that seems to be asking to much.

    I've already accepted that I'm gay, and I really don't have much of a problem with it any longer. Yet I'm still tied to this religion thats embedded into my thinking I still have issues with it. Hence I still keep thinking these suicidal thoughts. I got so many issues but my main focus is just getting out of this prison, then I can work on the others.
  9. raincloud

    raincloud Well-Known Member

    Graphic design is a good start. Sometimes people in artistic careers do internships or apprenticeships to build up a portfolio. You could even do some volunteer work. Of course none of that stuff would pay well (if at all) but it's something you could potentially do long-distance. What did you study at the technical college? If you have an impressive enough portfolio, you can maybe get a decent job that would help you get unstuck.

    Trust me, I understand about the inability to focus. I failed out of college more than once because of the inability to focus.

    I'm just throwing ideas out.
  10. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Well I full heartedly agree with that....."I got so many issues but my main focus is just getting out of this prison, then I can work on the others." I think getting out of your parents home and into one of your own would be a huge step in the right direction. A way to earn your independence and be able to be you. So now you have to find ways to do just that. I know, far from easy, but you also seem like a fighter. You havent given up on yourself yet so keep plugging away Thomas. It seems most days just the effort to get out of bed is enough, but if you set yourself a few obtainable goals, little ones to start with, you will find the self worth to make them bigger as you accomplish them. Keep posting hun and with the support and advice here and your own abilities I think you'll go far.
  11. Mr A and the sky pilots

    Mr A and the sky pilots Active Member

    I know it might seem a little drastic, But in recent years the military has changed it attitude towards gays. If you go to your local airforce recuiting office you can maybe figure out some sort of speicalist job, and education plan. Youl get wages and out of your area, and if its happeness leading another life then youl have the room to do it.

    "Nearly 20,000 gay men and more than 16,000 lesbians are estimated to be on active duty, representing 2.5 percent of active duty personnel. An estimated 65,000 gay men and lesbians are in uniform when those in the National Guard and reservists are included, or some 2.8 percent of all military personnel."

    Alternativly, heres a list of all the Gay bars in your state, soon youl be 21, get out there any meet people with your own intrests. http://www.gaybars.com/states/scarolin.htm

    Also the South Carolina Pride Movement are looking for volunteers why dont you again get involved http://www.scpride.org/SCPride09/Volunteer/tabid/139/Default.aspx
  12. TomTom

    TomTom Member

    At this point I'm not so sure what to do. I keep searching but nothing. I still have that lingering desire to just go through with it. Not finding anything isn't helping either. I can't take another year of this, I want to leave.

    I don't know where to go. I have no one to turn to. This depression has taken its toll on my body, It hurts to even go out anywhere.
  13. Mr A and the sky pilots

    Mr A and the sky pilots Active Member

    Tom, Just pick somthing and do it, people arnt born and say " hey i want to be that guy that teachs other people to drive", just pick somthing and do it.
  14. raincloud

    raincloud Well-Known Member

    I also like the military idea, even though I'm not 100% fond of the military. You could build and enhance your skill set and pay for school later. Looks great on a resume, and it would get you out of your hometown.

    Yes, you would have to stay in the closet, but it wouldn't be any worse than high school.
  15. TomTom

    TomTom Member

    I don't like the military idea at all. If thats the case then I guess thats about it on ideas.
  16. mistysautumn

    mistysautumn Well-Known Member

    I know how will this sound to you, but killing yourself because you're gay and living in a primitive society is silly. Especially because you want to live, just in another surrounding. Then make a change, do something about it. I will just leave my home, I worked for only a month and earned money just for the trip and for food that will last a few days. But I knew I needed a getaway. I had to leave. That was the only thing that could help me. You can also stay with your parents for a while until you figure something out (go to college, start to work, ...). Best wishes. :)
  17. raincloud

    raincloud Well-Known Member

    It's totally fine if you don't like all the ideas. No one is telling you what you should do. We (sorry if I'm not speaking for everyone) just want you to know that there are options that are better than suicide and better than living a life that makes you so sad. You wouldn't be the first gay man to commit suicide over this, but no one here wants you to be the next. Maybe you're too depressed to see it, but this situation is very fixable. It may not be easy, at least at first, but it IS fixable. You don't have to be stuck in your parents' house. You don't have to be stuck in a town that makes you feel uncomfortable. Sometimes you just have to take a chance. It may require a giant leap of faith on your part, and it may involve a level of risk you aren't comfortable with. You may not even know what the hell you're doing. But it's important that you get out, and there are many different routes to do that. It's like you're at the beginning of a maze with many possible solutions to the outcome you want. I got out of my parents' house and the town I hated by going to college. College was bad for me (I failed out more than once) but I was able to move 2000 miles away for a good reason. When you're depressed, it's difficult to get up and go, especially if you aren't 100% thrilled about the path you're going to take. But take a path.
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