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What Now ?

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So i confronted my mother, i took it all out on her, everything i've been holding in, i let lose. I told her that I think she never loved me, that i dont love her, that i blame most of my current state on her, that my mind thinks she evil, that she cant even ask me how my day is without me thinking shes being horrible. I let it all out, how did she react ? She stopped talking to me.
Point Blank Stopped. Might not seem like much, but my mother has NEVER and i mean never, no matter how angry she was at me, no matter how much trouble i was in, she always atleast said Good Morning to me, not anymore. I said hello to her, and she just acted like she didnt even hear it. As for me, i thought i would feel better after realising it, i feel exactly the same or if anything i feel WORSE for destroying my mother. I can't win.

Recently i ran away to Poland (im from England), to meet some guy i met on the internet, one more attempt at trying to replace the love my mother never gave me. Two weeks of utter happiness and content, where followed by two of the worst weeks in my life, living in some non-english speaking ladies house, nothing but bread and water, constant tears, unparalled fears. And as much as i wanted to leave there, i didnt want to go back home, but i did. And my life has been spiralling downwards ever since.

And i always do that, it doesnt take much more than a compliment to get me to come home with you, i can only feel good knowing someone else adores me, needs me, will give me what ever i desire. I know its not love, but in the moment i have what they want, i am their no.1 and its that feeling ive come to crave.

So now ive moved back to london, and im living with my aunt, i dont know for how long, i dont know anything, i cant take this anymore. I have to find a job, i have to find a new doctor, a new councilour.

I thought letting go of the anger was suppose to make things better, but i still feel like crap, i still hate life, i still cry. So someone please tell me,

What Now ?
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