What now?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by sleepless0, Jan 17, 2011.

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  1. sleepless0

    sleepless0 New Member

    I'm a new user to these forums, friend pointed me here, funny how that came about but will get into it later. I'll start at the beginning and work through to now.

    So I grew up in a family of 6 children, 2nd oldest. My childhood was rather bleak at best in my opinion, I can understand why but yeah. I wasn't the typical child. Instead of playing with my siblings I often chose to read. Mostly science type things, mostly physics and maths but I love all things science. At the age of 9 I got into computer programming. My dad picked up on this and I feel he tried to use me to his own advantage financially. He never really let me explore my interests and made me write what he wanted. If they'd had enough money to support my interest in electronics tho I would of taken that up before programming. In the end my dad did end up buying me something to help me along with programming but compared to what my siblings got I feel rather left out. He recently told me that I'm a hypocrite and a disappointment to him for letting my talent slide for so long, its like well you never really helped when I was younger...

    More about my family, my dad was very abusive towards us children and my mother. I feared him. I remember one day I tip toed up behind him and scared him. For that I got a rather vigorous belting with a leather belt and sent to my room for the rest of the day. And then there is the sexual abuse allegations. I don't know if its true but based on what I know about psychology I'd have to say its true. And looking at my brothers and sister.

    We where raised under a Jehovah's Witness pretense. My dad got my mum pregnant and to do the right thing he married her. Lasted 15 years strangely. My mum was the original Jehovah's Witness, to clarify that. And although my dad claims to have been strict, I'd say on the wrong things... Everything that's come out of it all.

    My older brother had charges pressed against him by my sister (who was forced by my mum I believe to lay them) for having sex with her. He was kicked out of home an taken in by a Jehovah's Witness family friend, who 'helped him'... He told the elders of the organization what he done and for about 5 years he wasn't allowed to participate in any of there activities like preaching and so on. They would of dis-fellow shipped him I think but they couldn't do that because of his age (15yo at the time). Now that's a pretty hefty punishment for something, so again I take it that he did what my mum says. But still questions unanswered I guess.

    When I was 12 or something my mum kicked my dad out because of all these things. But over the next 3 years I watched her virtually become him (I believe she's been diagnosed with schizophrenia) less the sexual things. I was able to get out of most of the physical abuse using my intelligence, not even my brothers and sister would touch me as per the normal sibling fighting... But as the counselor I saw after leaving home says I became the 'father-figure'. After about two years of watching this all I began to fight with my mum everyday about how she treated us, mostly pertaining to one of my siblings, one that my dad never touched. She hated him so she would starve him, isolate him from the family by making him stand in the corner all day, accuse him of raping my youngest brother and all this other crap. I called her on this and she did slightly change her 'punishment'. Went for more physical to more mental, I can remember her making him eat full spoons of curry powder and such.

    (*sorry this is all kinda slightly non continues*)

    We where home schooled because of being Jehovah's Witness' and my mum having a bad opinion of the public education system because she could barely read or write after leaving school. Shortly before 2003 I began to fight with my mum that I wanted to go to school and she kept saying no, till one day I did something that upset her and she sent all of us to school. I went through grade 9 (first year at school of any sorts really, my parents did a poor job of home schooling us) being looked upon very poorly by the other students. Often sought out for there own amusement because of my lack of social skills and being a Jehovah's Witness at the time.

    While at this school I kinda made friends with the outcasts (maybe I was more the outcast of the outcasts). I began to tell them some of the things that where happening at home. They told other people an so on. Everyone kinda knew me, liked me but kept there distance. Year 9 ended and I was alone with my family once again regularly. I began to sink into depression at that point and contemplated suicide. Funny tho that wasn't the first instance where I thought about dying.

    My first thought ever of end my life was probably when I was 8. I had drew this picture, for some reason I tore it up. My parents forced me to redraw it. And I sat there for a good 2 hours before doing what they wanted, just thinking of drawing myself burning alive from my own devices. I know some people will say that I wouldn't be aware of what that ment at that age, but I was. I thought it'd serve them right for all this crap they where doing to me, to lose there 'only' intelligent son.

    I didn't do it tho, went back for year 10. Actually made some real friends this time around early into the piece. But I was still plagued with harming myself. I eventually asked to talk to the school social worker near the end of first term (semester...), they couldn't get me in before break and I thought all hope was lost. I managed somehow to get through the break and was scared when I went back as to what would happen. Would I get called one morning to go see the social worker over the PA or something like that. I was more afraid of my mother finding out about me asking to talk to someone tho, not of my peers.

    Within the first week a teacher pulled me aside and said on Wednesday morning I'd go see the social worker instead of going to home group. I was rather afraid as that was still a few days away and deeded going home. Wednesday came about finally and I guess I was relived. I spilled most of the beans as to what was going on at home and had myself removed from the house that day, was placed with what I'll call privatized foster care. A few days later my 2nd youngest sibling, the one my mother abused most, was taken too. I should of had all of us taken but at that time I was more concerned for him.

    (*end of that saga I guess*)

    Life was kinda good being away from my family, not having to see what I saw every day. I started to become more confident and making deeper friendships with people. And actually got involved with this girl.

    Thats a bit of a sad story in itself. Her dad pretty much abandoned the family when she was young, she still saw him but he never really offered much. And I believe he slept around and such, hence the marriage breaking down.

    At first she didn't really like me in a romantic sense, although she started it all. She said hello to me this one day on the bus and I spoke to her a little, although shyly I guess. We continued to talk a little more until eventually I was calling her for 20/30 mins a night. But then I did something to start its end.

    I went to this party and got very drunk and smoked weed for the very first time. Nearly ended up sleeping with this girl. I felt very bad about this and I told her as soon as I could. She backed off after that, I think because she perceived me similar to her father. And things where strained for the rest of the year.

    End of year 10 soon came about, and as this girl and a few of my friends where in year 9 they went on for another 2 months. They stopped talking to me as much. And I soon felt like they didn't want to know me. I actually felt like the world didn't love me at all. I started thinking of suicide again. I told someone over the internet who told the school social worker who told my other social worker at the time and was at first admitted to the kids ward for a few days but then ended up in a psych ward for another 12 days. Hmm not sure if a psych ward is a good place for 16 year olds >.< At first my friends came an visited but I was very reserved, I eventually got out New Years Eve 2004. Oh that night...

    I got out, friend was having a party at his place I went along. Drinking even tho I shouldn't of, being on anti depressants. But before I started drinking I felt that my friend was very indifferent towards me, it would of made no difference if I was there or not. I called that girl and we only spoke for a few minutes, she was more interested in watching movies with her other friends. I guess I knew at that point it was all over but I didn't process it mentally, just went drinking and I guess I could say I felt rather empty at that point.

    I think that night broke something in me. Or taught me that no one really cares, it is now my view that no one does, only where they can get something or 'pleasure' out of it.

    (*will start abbreviating things now*)

    I went and did year 11 at another school (college as its called here). Didn't really make any friends till towards the end of year 11. Picked up smoking and got into dealing drugs to people who I knew used. My justification for that was I needed the extra money living by myself...

    But I started to question these friends, only inside myself tho. Half a dozen instances where I could of used there help but they left me to my own devices. And they always wanted me to be this or that, when I wanted to be myself. And from this I question everyone I meet, maybe its my problem but I have never really had a friend who I'd say was selfless towards me, more I put in 90% of the effort to the friendship and got very little back.

    But things what that girl had taken there toll to, I didn't really get over that for at least 4 years... I just went through life without any real direction, living in the moment seeking happiness.

    Things went bad with me living alone, some guys broke into the place and stole all the weed I had, orchestrated by this guy who I let live with me at the time... I went to stay with that Jehovah's Witness friend who took my brother before, then to stay with my younger brothers foster carer, back to the Jehovah's Witness guy, then to Melbourne with my brother.

    Melbourne was ok I guess. But no friends and feeling alone, my brother in about a year left me to my own devices. I began gambling, blew like 11k and now that's dept that I'm not paying back at present and so on.

    Eventually I quit the job I had at the time because my brother said I could do work with him laying carpet. That lasted a week and he left me for dead in Melbourne. No money, not much food (lasted two months on just a bowl or two of rice a day), feeling depressed so I didn't seek another job and such. Eventually that Jehovah's Witness paid for me to come back here. Who in 4 weeks dumped me so my older brother could come back. I was left homeless and got placed in a shelter by the system. Who kinda tried to help me but I felt rather as if they didn't care what I wanted, just force me into doing what they wanted me to do so they could feel good.

    I eventually ended up where I am now, living with this guy who has bi-polar. Spent a lot of time escaping life playing World of Warcraft (done this since year 11). I quit it for a while at the start of this year because of something I thought was going to happen, and this guy who was abusing me at the time through it. I ended up getting this apprenticeship doing something electronics. I was rather over joyed at first about this. But got back into World of Warcraft and became depressed at life again I guess, back to smoking weed and so on...

    Over the course of a few months I developed rather severe headaches and eventually had my apprenticeship suspended a few months ago. That's since sorta cleared itself up except for not sleeping well enough leaves me with headaches, and thinking about all this that I'm writing too. I kinda feel like there is a struggle going on inside of me. Between what I am now, pathetic. And that what I envision myself to be.

    The last 4 months have been rather interesting for me, depressing is more the world. I meet this girl in World of Warcraft who was leading me on to get rid of this other guy. My younger brother OD'd on a few hundred panadol, I try reaching out to him and he pushes me away. My apprenticeship suspended.

    And in the last month a lot more. My flatmate has stopped taking his meds, had an episode, got sent to the psych ward. I'm very scared of him as I'm aware he knows how to use it all to his advantage. He's still truly aware and concise of what he's doing while not under his meds. Now I know what some might say but I believe it. I had a series of dreams. My first about my flatmate, in the dream he ended up attacking me. I think I possibly might of dodged that but he's still not on his meds so I don't know. I've tried a lot of avenues to get away from him, getting admitted to the psych ward even. But every time I get the same answer "You seem rather intelligent, you work it out...". But not working I can't get out of here with my current financial situation. This idiot even has a webcam set up so he can monitor what I do at night regarding the kitchen... Now I'm not the sorta person who takes without it plaguing there mind for ages.

    Recently my dad got into dealing drugs, I was using from him for a little. But things with this girl and my flatmate and realizing it only ever brings me down have stopped me using. I'd like to tho but I just have to stop myself. It even had me concerned for my job at one point. But I told his wife what he was doing and then eventually came clean to him when I got no result. I knew what it'd cost me but I got a whole lot more. I'm a hypocrite, a disappointment, untrustworthy as is his opinion of me. We also talked about some other things like I kinda picked up on his health was failing him, and perhaps his memory too. He told me I was right but he loves life, I still feel he's trying to end it as soon as possible. He also lied to me about stopping dealing. He did end up stopping like a week later when it got back to him at work from people who shouldn't know he was dealing... We also discussed one of my issues, in life my goal is to leave this world a better place. And my dad goes on to say you can't change people, You can if you give them a reason to to think about more then themselves... And I don't think anyone will dispute my claim that the world is a screwed place, money and sex is all that people seem to care for. I look at people in relationships and all I can see is use of the other. I thought a relationship was supposed to be beneficial to both in all aspects of life...

    And yeah things with this girl. My dad remarried to this Asian lady, who has a daughter. She spends most of her time away studying. Last time she came back was strange for me. First time she'd ever really spoken to me more then to say hello. It only happened once but I over heard her talking to her mum and heard things like "try not talking to him" an so on. Which is what happened. I didn't know what to make of it. I thought they where talking about me but I try to be as invisible as possible I guess, so I told myself I was just being stupidly hopeful...

    Same thing this time she came back just before Christmas. She was very open to me, so much that I feel I know her as well I know myself. I believe where very much the same, intelligent yet plagued with problems that prevent us from doing anything about it all. And she suffers depression as well, which is what I'm worried about. I had a dream that if I didn't listen to her she'd kill herself. And well I believe it.

    But that day she told me all this I was rather messed up from just having my flatmate go psycho and doing so much weed and worrying about my job and such. So I was very dismissive of her. I asked her a few days later if she was trying to tell me that she liked me and she said no. I was rather confused at this point, as what she had said prior pretty much means one thing. This has dissolved into another mess I guess. She's very hard to talk to now, for me at least. And I don't know what to do, I like her a lot. But I don't know how to proced.

    (* Short summery *)

    Today I went and saw a psychologist, I told her snippets of all this, went massively over a 1 hour appointment. I needed her to say I was ok to go back to work. I knew what telling the truth would probably mean and yeah back to the same problem regarding my job. She says I can't go back till I get my sleeping pattern fixed, got two days lol. I should be asleep now but yeah. I've tried everything, relaxing music, warm milk, breathing patterns, recently taking up meditation, etc. Nothing works, a lot of it stems from my problem with this girl and my flatmate, living with someone who might as well set the house on fire because he knows he can get away with it is rather scary. At this point I'm despairing, I tell the truth, makes more problems. I lie, then I have to juggle all the pre existing lies about what I've been doing an such. My minds a mess right now, no idea what keeps it together.

    I see I have 3 options, run away, get it right, let it happen. I refuse to run away again as that's how I view the first two parts of my life I guess (Melbourne and back again). And if I run the thoughts of all this would haunt me.

    If I let it all happen, lose my job, this girl commit suicide (I don't doubt she would), my flatmate get to me, etc. I would either become a very lonely and bitter person towards the world, or do the same.

    Getting it right is the problem, I just keep coming up against brick walls all the time. Maybe I deserve this. There is a fair bit more to all this in my own psychology but that could be another post this size. Lets just say split minded, what I am now, what I want to be.

    But in short:
    - Living with a person with bi-polar, who knows how to use it to his advantage. And he doesn't like me much.
    - Dad who feels I'm a disappointment and untrustworthy. He has offered to help me with living situation but I don't know. I can't just pretend anymore.
    - Girl who very likely to commit suicide if I don't get it right.
    - Gambling Problem
    - Smoking Problem
    - Depts, that create a rift in me, pay them back and be bored for 4 years. Do nothing or declare bankruptcy (something I don't want to do).
    - Job on the line, first because of my health, then because of drugs, now because of my mental health and a psychologist who I had to very bluntly say if I don't get it, things are going to get worse for me.
    - Keep asking for help and getting told you sort it out.
    - Not very many friends.
    - Everything being somewhat dependent on everything else.
    - Possibly thinking I'm a psychopath... Although I think me not showing any emotion right now is to help me sort this all out, but some of it I need emotion for...

    Sorry for the very long post, if you do read it all I thank you. Any advice would be much appreciated. I included the background to all this to try and help paint a picture of how I feel about everything mentally, so that may help.
  2. Screaminginsilence

    Screaminginsilence Well-Known Member

    Other than your sleeping patterns, what has your psyc. suggest you do? Continue seeing her, meds etc?

    big up to you for typing everything up - surely that can help as well, and for wanting to help yourself :hugtackles: talking about things can be painful, and you sound like a strong person, stronger than you think.... well i think anyway :) x
  3. tappa

    tappa Well-Known Member

    getting it right is always the problem. but dnt put so much pressure on urself for the solution to b this, this or this.
    tht brick wall is the hardest thing in the world to knock down.
    take things one very small step at a time.
    for example, the sleeping thing, hav ya tried sleeping tablets? or (boring i no, exercising a lot during the day) - adittedly the exercising it v difficult wen feeling shit!
  4. kote

    kote Account Closed

    i read your post and feel your pain!!!
    at the moment im not feeling too good, but i would like to get back to you and talk things through.
    you seem very intelligent, but have had a shitty roll of the dice!!!
    for now i will wish you the best and hopefully i will get back to you soon.
    here is a good place to start and we are all very friendly and will go out of our way to help you.
    take care and lets chat soon!!!
  5. sleepless0

    sleepless0 New Member

    Hey thanks for your replies, sorry I haven't replied sooner, lack of motivation >.<

    Yeah I'm working on the sleep thing at the moment, I've tried lots of things over the years with my sleep, this is just a new problem for me, just the depths of it. Relaxing music, breathing techniques, exercise (maybe not enough in this area), warm milk, thought distraction (problem with that is most of those nice thoughts quickly dissolve into my problems), and meds. Speaking of meds not even Temazapam is enough to knock me out last time I tried. I was in the ER a few weeks ago and Diazapam worked but try getting a script for that. And the body quickly builds immunity to all benzo's anyhow. So I'd rather avoid that route.

    I don't know this psychologist might be of some use but I had to be very rude to get her to even consider letting me go back to work now rather then later. Hence why sleeping has become a major issue, only thing she seemed worried about. That was strange for me to do tho, I normally would of been very scared to say what I said to her but I said it without any emotion what so ever, desperation I guess... I'll keep going back to her though. She might be able to help. I am seeing a few other social workers tho, a drug and alcohol worker, a social worker at the same place, and today another social worker from an institute to help people doing apprenticeships.

    Regarding this girl, the psychologist seems opposed to it. Mainly because I said I think at base level where the same. I actually disagree. Sure if where very similar we could bring each other down. But realizing that it makes me think the opposite would be very true, so long as I never let that lapse in my thinking about it. But yeah complex situation, one that few comment on when I give specifics.

    Quick update on sleeping pattern to, kinda slept for 4 hours between 10PM and 2AM, very broken, but dreaming unlike normal. Well I dream but I think there normally very messed up. I remember falling asleep the other day and getting a phone call. I was laying there semi paralyzed for a few seconds from what I was dreaming, I don't remember what, I just know it was terrible. Anyway going to go read other posts and see if I could make a positive comment somewhere for while then try for more sleep.
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