I was supposed to die 2 weeks ago. Had been planning it for months, wrote the note, made sure my brother would be out of the apartment for the evening, and had a time-delayed text sent to one of my friends who knows about what I'm going through so she could call the cops afterward. That day, I had a surprise visit from my parents and my family spent the day together downtown. I had a great time (probably one of the few "happy" days I've had in a long time) and decided I couldn't end it like that after such a good day. The next day I was still riding the high from the day before, and decided to seek help. I gathered up the courage and made an appointment to meet with my doc. He was on vacation so I had to wait until today to meet with him. I felt like I was more vulnerable to acting on my impulses because I had missed the date I had set to end my life, but I kept reminding myself that I was going to get better and used that hope to get me through the 2 weeks. Met with the doctor today and told him almost everything about me. I took some written 9pt test or something and apparently failed it enough that he felt I needed more than the in-house psych could provide me with. He got me a referral to an outpatient psych department at a local hospital, and stressed that they would be able to help me better in my current state. I left the office feeling good, knowing something was going to change for the better. The hospital called me a couple hours later to set up an appointment. They said the earliest date they could meet with me was January 20, 2012. I was so shocked, I didn't know how to respond. I reluctantly accepted the date, but couldn't stop myself from laughing when the secretary told me that I would be fined almost $200 for missing my appointment. I didn't plan on living until the end of the summer - imagine I'll still be around in January to see them. Anyways, I'm pretty much feeling defeated. I'm going to try and call my doc again tomorrow and see if he can do anything else to help me. Unfortunately, I think I'm screwed.