What scares you about relationships?

Witty_Sarcasm

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#21
Yea i feel that its like if you dont let people in your keeping yourdelf safe but still hurts likd hell when something happens
It sucks because you can either be alone, which for me is hard, or open up and possibly get hurt. And the majority of the time, that is what happens, so it can be a very difficult choice.
 
#22
Nah i have accepted it not the best looking guy and my nervous issue from my childhood with my drunk father has always kept me from showing the real me and i just put on this fake me as i dint think anyone would want to know the shy emotional scared 90% of the time real me
Think it's fine to focus on yourself first before anything. Those kind of relationships will come when you least expect it. I know we're almost of the same age but I always believe that it's never too late as long as you're alive. No matter what you think of yourself, you are good-looking abd you have a good heart. That's the most important thing. Also, at this point, I'd suggest to start from friendship to build that trust and connection before jumping into a more serious relationship.

As for me, I'm not scared of relationship but mostly tired being in one for almost half my life, apart from a few that I've gone through before I met my recent partner. Like I said, big issue for me is trust. Really hard to trust someone now to get into a serious relationship with them after being betrayed by someone who you thought has loved and cared so much for you, for a lot of years. I'd rather just find a friend, a true friend. Even that is harder to find these days. Also, I've been broken and like, I almost lost everything No one would take interest of me lol xD it's really not a priority.
 

Witty_Sarcasm

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#23
Think it's fine to focus on yourself first before anything. Those kind of relationships will come when you least expect it. I know we're almost of the same age but I always believe that it's never too late as long as you're alive. No matter what you think of yourself, you are good-looking abd you have a good heart. That's the most important thing. Also, at this point, I'd suggest to start from friendship to build that trust and connection before jumping into a more serious relationship.

As for me, I'm not scared of relationship but mostly tired being in one for almost half my life, apart from a few that I've gone through before I met my recent partner. Like I said, big issue for me is trust. Really hard to trust someone now to get into a serious relationship with them after being betrayed by someone who you thought has loved and cared so much for you, for a lot of years. I'd rather just find a friend, a true friend. Even that is harder to find these days. Also, I've been broken and like, I almost lost everything No one would take interest of me lol xD it's really not a priority.
Lol yes they would. You have many great qualities. But I think you're right, we all need to focus on ourselves and not worry about relationships too much. It will happen when the time is right.
 
#24
Lol yes they would. You have many great qualities. But I think you're right, we all need to focus on ourselves and not worry about relationships too much. It will happen when the time is right.
Thank you for saying that, but I think once they really get to know me, they would probably stay away lol. It's weird that I also don't focus on myself, maybe more with other people's or my friend's issues than myself. Also, I think I already accepted that relationships like that will never happen again, at least the good part of it.

As for you though, all I can say is that you are a very caring and like, I know you will give 101% of your time with that someone. It's like they couldn't really ask for anything more. Hurt is always a part of that. Besides, that's what makes it more exciting and fulfilling in the end when you finally have one. It will surely happen for you someday, even no matter how you think it won't or you just want to give up. Don't intentionally search for it and be desperate or something. It's not something of a big loss if you don't have one. But I know the feeling that it can be lonely at times when you don't have someone who constantly checks on you, talks to you and be there for you. Friends can do that though, not just all or even rare for one person to do that, but I guess, it can happen if you get lucky and you both has been longing for that kind of friendship or companionship.
 

Witty_Sarcasm

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#25
Thank you for saying that, but I think once they really get to know me, they would probably stay away lol. It's weird that I also don't focus on myself, maybe more with other people's or my friend's issues than myself. Also, I think I already accepted that relationships like that will never happen again, at least the good part of it.

As for you though, all I can say is that you are a very caring and like, I know you will give 101% of your time with that someone. It's like they couldn't really ask for anything more. Hurt is always a part of that. Besides, that's what makes it more exciting and fulfilling in the end when you finally have one. It will surely happen for you someday, even no matter how you think it won't or you just want to give up. Don't intentionally search for it and be desperate or something. It's not something of a big loss if you don't have one. But I know the feeling that it can be lonely at times when you don't have someone who constantly checks on you, talks to you and be there for you. Friends can do that though, not just all or even rare for one person to do that, but I guess, it can happen if you get lucky and you both has been longing for that kind of friendship or companionship.
Even if you think that way about yourself, I think you have a lot to offer someone. Of course, you don't need to get into a relationship again if you don't want to. But also, don't push people away if they want to be there for you. I know that's hard and it's something I'm learning. I do value my friends very much, but it's hard sometimes to be alone when I want someone to be right there with me.
 
#26
Even if you think that way about yourself, I think you have a lot to offer someone. Of course, you don't need to get into a relationship again if you don't want to. But also, don't push people away if they want to be there for you. I know that's hard and it's something I'm learning. I do value my friends very much, but it's hard sometimes to be alone when I want someone to be right there with me.
Thank you. The problem with me is when I become so depressed, I feel so tired to speak up and talk, more so when my problems are involved. Also, I honestly couldn't tell anymore who truly cares and understands as I've been through a lot of relationships in the past (friends and having a partner) and the most recent experience, as you know, makes me really hard to trust. Like trust as in truly believe that people will stay with me (and not ignore, leave or even betray me). Also, no matter how mad I am to the previous, there's always be comparisons to the good things she had done and longing for that kind of affection or companionship, at the very least. So maybe, sometimes, I can be not so sensitive or there's always this thing at the back of my mind that people will get tired because I'm not really interesting, even more so right now where I tend to think I'm just done, really done. Plus I probably did mention to you that my friends who I've known for 20+ years here had reach out to me, promised me full support and guaranteed me that I will get her back, only to run away once the situation worsens after trying to get her back months ago. Just because they aren't in this situation, they really don't know what it feels like. So yeah, hard to trust people if they care and would help, even just emotionally. I'm like "whatever.. just go with the flow".
 

Witty_Sarcasm

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#27
Thank you. The problem with me is when I become so depressed, I feel so tired to speak up and talk, more so when my problems are involved. Also, I honestly couldn't tell anymore who truly cares and understands as I've been through a lot of relationships in the past (friends and having a partner) and the most recent experience, as you know, makes me really hard to trust. Like trust as in truly believe that people will stay with me (and not ignore, leave or even betray me). Also, no matter how mad I am to the previous, there's always be comparisons to the good things she had done and longing for that kind of affection or companionship, at the very least. So maybe, sometimes, I can be not so sensitive or there's always this thing at the back of my mind that people will get tired because I'm not really interesting, even more so right now where I tend to think I'm just done, really done. Plus I probably did mention to you that my friends who I've known for 20+ years here had reach out to me, promised me full support and guaranteed me that I will get her back, only to run away once the situation worsens after trying to get her back months ago. Just because they aren't in this situation, they really don't know what it feels like. So yeah, hard to trust people if they care and would help, even just emotionally. I'm like "whatever.. just go with the flow".
I can understand that feeling, because it has happened to me a lot before. And then I think maybe I'm too much for people. But some will stick with you, no matter how depressed you may get, or what you are going through. Some people are there for more than just the good times, they want to help you out during the bad, and I know these are true friends. I hope you can find someone who is like your ex in the good ways, but who won't lie or betray you. It can be hard to find the right person, but you'll know when you do. I can't speak for your other friends, but I'm not going to be scared off by what you're dealing with. And you are plenty interesting. if anything, I am the boring one. lol
 
#28
I can understand that feeling, because it has happened to me a lot before. And then I think maybe I'm too much for people. But some will stick with you, no matter how depressed you may get, or what you are going through. Some people are there for more than just the good times, they want to help you out during the bad, and I know these are true friends. I hope you can find someone who is like your ex in the good ways, but who won't lie or betray you. It can be hard to find the right person, but you'll know when you do. I can't speak for your other friends, but I'm not going to be scared off by what you're dealing with. And you are plenty interesting. if anything, I am the boring one. lol
Thank you. You are not boring and quite the opposite, to be honest. You have so much energy and I'm the one who's boring. Then my mind wanders a lot sometimes, like I'm always thinking and feeling that I'd never be happy, just same old emptiness because that's how it's been for me everyday. Nothing motivates me anymore, only my child I guess, but I need her presence not how we are now Anyway, I don't really need to find someone like my ex partner, I just need an extraordinary friend I guess, lol. Hard to explain, though sometimes, I find or I meet them, but turns out it's just one way friendship like I'm probably the only one who truly cares, or I don't know. Just don't want to overthink or worry about those kind of stuff. I just wouldn't say my former friends had gone scared with things I'm dealing but more like they are show-offs. They made me think that they're something like, they can do this and that and have this and that, but they're a bunch of, yeah, show-offs. Fake friends, that only would be with you during good times. If anything, I didn't ask for anything or what kind of support, they were quick and eager to reach out back then. Anyway, those people are not really worth talking about. To be honest, it is hard to have a relationship with me or even friends with someone like me, at this point, you have to understand and feel the baggage I've been carrying as well. I could do that to a true friend, but with me, I don't think they can.
 

Witty_Sarcasm

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#29
Thank you. You are not boring and quite the opposite, to be honest. You have so much energy and I'm the one who's boring. Then my mind wanders a lot sometimes, like I'm always thinking and feeling that I'd never be happy, just same old emptiness because that's how it's been for me everyday. Nothing motivates me anymore, only my child I guess, but I need her presence not how we are now Anyway, I don't really need to find someone like my ex partner, I just need an extraordinary friend I guess, lol. Hard to explain, though sometimes, I find or I meet them, but turns out it's just one way friendship like I'm probably the only one who truly cares, or I don't know. Just don't want to overthink or worry about those kind of stuff. I just wouldn't say my former friends had gone scared with things I'm dealing but more like they are show-offs. They made me think that they're something like, they can do this and that and have this and that, but they're a bunch of, yeah, show-offs. Fake friends, that only would be with you during good times. If anything, I didn't ask for anything or what kind of support, they were quick and eager to reach out back then. Anyway, those people are not really worth talking about. To be honest, it is hard to have a relationship with me or even friends with someone like me, at this point, you have to understand and feel the baggage I've been carrying as well. I could do that to a true friend, but with me, I don't think they can.
I wouldn't say I have that much energy, not in my personal life anyway. But I think I can come across as bubbly at times. I hope you do find some great friends, because you deserve it. Yeah, fake friends just suck, and I'd rather not have people in my life who are going to waste my time. I know I wouldn't do that to someone else. I'm sorry to hear you don't have much motivation for anything anymore. I hope that you will again someday.
 
#32
There's lots of reasons why I'm reluctant about getting into a relationship. These are some of the things I've gone through to make me feel that way.

~ Being verbally beat down until I was in tears.
~ People trying to make me do things I didn't want to do.
~ Sending pics or sexts or even sleeping with another person.
~ Lying about all kinds of different things.
~ Having their partners contact me when I didn't even know they were in a relationship.
~ Being made fun of, joked about, talked about behind my back. Even having their friends and family shit talk me.
~ Manipulating me in shady ways.
~ Making me feel bad about who I am or making light of my problems.

I'm sure there's more, but that's what I can think of off the top of my head. It's not always romantic partners, but sometimes friends who do things like this to me. I was wondering if anyone else has gone through things like this, and how you learn to trust again. I don't want to be closed off, but it's hard to believe that people won't hurt me.
I have the same issue. I always feel like being in any type of reationship leaves me defenseless to whatever the might do and it will always end. I do love (and miss ) the positive giddy feeling but I also feel like it isnt worrth it

Another thing, I get bored super quickly. Thats why most of my reationships dont last long. Soon enough I will feel apathetic because I find them boring (we do not have the same interests, they're too easy to read, I need to put in an excessive amount of effort to click with them [ex: force myself to do something so we at least have one thing to talk about] etc) and we lose conmection again
 

foreverforgotten

Quiet Observer 🦋
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#33
I've never had one. So I'm scared by default..
But also I would say, getting close. More physically I mean. I don't know what to do, or how to do it. Even just holding hands, or a hug is a lot for me. I don't want to disappoint and slow others down, with how slow I would need to go. In a fast paced world..
I'm inexperienced.
 

Witty_Sarcasm

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#34
I've never had one. So I'm scared by default..
But also I would say, getting close. More physically I mean. I don't know what to do, or how to do it. Even just holding hands, or a hug is a lot for me. I don't want to disappoint and slow others down, with how slow I would need to go. In a fast paced world..
I'm inexperienced.
Yep same thing...I would have no idea how to respond to such affection, because I've never had it before. It would all be foreign to me.
 

Waves

Well-Known Member
#35
Well, If everyone is unhappy in relationships, then we are not missing anything. It is still suicidal lonely though.
 

Aves

Well-Known Member
#36
I’ve struggled with romantic relationships in the past but then I met my husband and something just clicked. It’s by no means a perfect relationship because there’s no such thing but we work well together. I do feel like he’s a very tolerant and resilient person to put up with all my shit though lol. My relationships in the past were all one sided with me making all the effort and then eventually getting trodden all over. I struggle with friendships too, I come across as quite confident and friendly but there always seems to be a barrier that I put up so people can only come so close. I also really like my own company and I struggle with understanding societal norms when it comes to friendships so it can come across as I’m "ghosting" people sometimes when I don’t mean to, I just find communicating with others exhausting lol.
I’m sorry you’ve had all these difficulties with relationships @Witty⭐️Sarcasm🐒 . You deserve so much more than the way you’ve been treated.
 

Witty_Sarcasm

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#37
I’ve struggled with romantic relationships in the past but then I met my husband and something just clicked. It’s by no means a perfect relationship because there’s no such thing but we work well together. I do feel like he’s a very tolerant and resilient person to put up with all my shit though lol. My relationships in the past were all one sided with me making all the effort and then eventually getting trodden all over. I struggle with friendships too, I come across as quite confident and friendly but there always seems to be a barrier that I put up so people can only come so close. I also really like my own company and I struggle with understanding societal norms when it comes to friendships so it can come across as I’m "ghosting" people sometimes when I don’t mean to, I just find communicating with others exhausting lol.
I’m sorry you’ve had all these difficulties with relationships @Witty⭐️Sarcasm🐒 . You deserve so much more than the way you’ve been treated.
I'm glad you found your husband. He sounds like a kind and understanding person. :) I haven't found anyone who has treated me that well, and I'm worried I never will. I'm not much of a prize, and my mental illnesses add to that. I'm not sure if I have anything to offer to anyone. I have problems with friendships as well, but I try my best not to push people away if I really want them to be there.
 
#38
I believe relationships are bad news. Period. If you want to be miserable, being in a relationship is a great way to do it. The relationship isn't going to last, which defeats the whole purpose. The other person is eventually going to cheat on you eventually. You lose your identity. You can't be yourself in a relationship. You're too busy being who the other person wants you to be. I think the only decent relationship advice is to stay away from them.
This isn't true of a healthy relationship. But I can't blame you for being cynical. However not everyone is a cheater. And I haven't lost my identity and I've been married for 27 years. We've endured gruelling hardships (not because of each other) and we're still in love.
 
#39
Oh I didn't realize this was about friendships as well. It is very hard to find true friends. I have one close friend I've known since I was 8 but we haven't always had much contact as we've lived in different cities. We will likely be living closer together soon though and we're looking forward to that. She is the most relaxing person to be with - just totally laid back and no gaslighting or hot-and-cold behaviour.

I had to end a few friendships that were toxic. Currently I have 3 friends IRL and a few online.
 

Dots

Misknown Member
#40
their ending, not just the sudden ones, but the slow demises... a connection, so rare and unique, day by day morphing into mundanity, then obligation, then all of the sudden you're strangers again and the connection, so fleeting to come by for people like me, gone. the loneliness of that disconnection scares me the most... because in most relationships it is inevitable.

also finding out a person who treated you like gold actually wishes they could treat you like trash. and thinking the dysfunctionality of the relationship is charming only to discover it is the reason you will never work as a couple.
 

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