i'm quite sick of life as it stands. i've been a hikikomori for about 4 years now and it seems to be getting worse. I get scared of people and how they view me. This forces me to become very unsociable. Because of this i've been in the same type of job for 3 years now (how i managed to get one is beyond me) not earning more than a pathetic 13k a year. On top of that its a job which involves people which i hate the most. I think this all started when i was very young as my sister use to boss me around alot, and always critise me. Its affected me subconsiously and i've only really thought about why i am the way i am, just recently. I wouldn't put complete blame onto her, as it is i who is to blame, but i think she was the one who triggered it. That and a few other events in my life up till now. I've always wanted to do well when i was younger. i did a vocational course back at college and got a merit. I wanted to go for a degree but the damn advisor said i had to apply for a HND as i had no chance of getting into a degree. Being the passive person i was, i took the advice only to find out 2 years later that i would require another full 3 years to get a degree. I would have continued however the local education authority decided not to pay for my tuition fees untill i was in the last year. Having no money for tuition and having to spend a total of 5 years to get a degree i was advised to quit the course and find a better course to do by my sister. Done that but didnt find another course that i liked hence now hampering me from getting somewhere decent in life. I guess i really am useless if i seem to be putting blame on others for my own actions. I've been wanting to go back into uni but i have very little money coming in each month (paying a loan back for my sister atm as well ¬_¬) i wont be able to pay off the fees. I'm already 8k in debt with student loans from my previous years in study. I've attempted to set things straight as best i could. Been studying a course part time for a year and a half now, hoever i've realised im a total retard when it comes to study. i never remember anything, always forgetful and i can see it in my teachers faces and their subtle actions that they are getting annoyed, even tho they try not to show it. I've also been applying to new jobs on a regular basis however everytime i manage to get an interview for a new job i always seem to screw up somehow and not get it. this seems to force me deeper into depression and as of recently i've started to think about suicide. I keep thinking that it will be beautiful and no one will care as i have very few friends (or shall i say people i just know). I know this is a stupid way of thinking and theres nothing beautiful about it but it still lurks at the back of my mind. Today i took a knife to myself to see how it would feel. I tried to cut myself but i was holding myself back from applying any pressure. in the end it failed and i didnt get a scratch? pathetic no? I got too scared to even cut myself. Some man i am. My question at the end of this is, what shall i do? right now i have no future and i'm scared of how people percieve me, making it hard to do anything for me to change. i really want to close my eyes and not be able to see anyone, that way i will feel more relaxed as i will not see the expressions on other peoples faces. I'm sorry this is a long post and its not as dire or serious as other people on the forums but i havent shared any of this with anyone before and wanted to let it all out anonamously.