what shall i do now?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lemegeton, Sep 29, 2006.

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  1. lemegeton

    lemegeton New Member

    i'm quite sick of life as it stands. i've been a hikikomori for about 4 years now and it seems to be getting worse. I get scared of people and how they view me. This forces me to become very unsociable. Because of this i've been in the same type of job for 3 years now (how i managed to get one is beyond me) not earning more than a pathetic 13k a year. On top of that its a job which involves people which i hate the most.

    I think this all started when i was very young as my sister use to boss me around alot, and always critise me. Its affected me subconsiously and i've only really thought about why i am the way i am, just recently. I wouldn't put complete blame onto her, as it is i who is to blame, but i think she was the one who triggered it. That and a few other events in my life up till now.

    I've always wanted to do well when i was younger. i did a vocational course back at college and got a merit. I wanted to go for a degree but the damn advisor said i had to apply for a HND as i had no chance of getting into a degree. Being the passive person i was, i took the advice only to find out 2 years later that i would require another full 3 years to get a degree. I would have continued however the local education authority decided not to pay for my tuition fees untill i was in the last year. Having no money for tuition and having to spend a total of 5 years to get a degree i was advised to quit the course and find a better course to do by my sister. Done that but didnt find another course that i liked hence now hampering me from getting somewhere decent in life. I guess i really am useless if i seem to be putting blame on others for my own actions. I've been wanting to go back into uni but i have very little money coming in each month (paying a loan back for my sister atm as well ¬_¬) i wont be able to pay off the fees. I'm already 8k in debt with student loans from my previous years in study.

    I've attempted to set things straight as best i could. Been studying a course part time for a year and a half now, hoever i've realised im a total retard when it comes to study. i never remember anything, always forgetful and i can see it in my teachers faces and their subtle actions that they are getting annoyed, even tho they try not to show it.

    I've also been applying to new jobs on a regular basis however everytime i manage to get an interview for a new job i always seem to screw up somehow and not get it. this seems to force me deeper into depression and as of recently i've started to think about suicide. I keep thinking that it will be beautiful and no one will care as i have very few friends (or shall i say people i just know). I know this is a stupid way of thinking and theres nothing beautiful about it but it still lurks at the back of my mind. Today i took a knife to myself to see how it would feel. I tried to cut myself but i was holding myself back from applying any pressure. in the end it failed and i didnt get a scratch? pathetic no? I got too scared to even cut myself. Some man i am.

    My question at the end of this is, what shall i do? right now i have no future and i'm scared of how people percieve me, making it hard to do anything for me to change. i really want to close my eyes and not be able to see anyone, that way i will feel more relaxed as i will not see the expressions on other peoples faces.

    I'm sorry this is a long post and its not as dire or serious as other people on the forums but i havent shared any of this with anyone before and wanted to let it all out anonamously.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 29, 2006
  2. Candy

    Candy Member

    you have to try... thats all you can do not think what other people think just zone them out
  3. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    I'm also a hikikomori myself, though an American one.


    Its also been depressing me a lot, that I'm so messed up and so different and inferior to everyone else around me....:sad: :sad:

    Funny, I also thought that maybe my problems aren't as bad as the others have it here but I think its just as serious that you and I have. I also feel that I have no future, I'm 19, a second year college student and guess what? I haven't made a single god damn friend, never talk to people. Everyone that would know this would view me as such a pathetic sad person, all of my parent's friend's kids my age at their first year in college have already made like a dozen friends, so sucessful.

    All I've done in my pathetic life has eat, sleep, study, play videogames, watch TV, get on the computer, etc. I'm such a retard and I feel like a failure as a human being. Nobody will ever want to be my friend or girlfriend/life partner anyways, I'm going to be all alone and feel that i have to commit sucide.

    Sorry that wasn't very uplifting but I hope you know you aren't alone in your situation..............
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 29, 2006
  4. lemegeton

    lemegeton New Member

    its funny because some days i totally give up on everything and these thoughts start coming into my head. on other days i try to push myself just that one last time to see if a get anywhere. it seems like when you finally make it over the hurdle another one is right there stopping you again. I sometimes ask myself when the hell shall i bother? i wont gain anything from it and its just pointless, yet in the end i still keep at it like someone trying to keep a candle light from extinguising. I think what drives one side of me is also the same thing that gets me depressed. Not being able to succeed no matter how you try.. this itself i feel is what really gets me down as well as what makes me try that one last time. Its odd isn't it? i don't have a split personality but it feels like i do. right now i feel on the side that makes me wanna keep on going. who knows how i would feel like tomorrow. i mean this morning i was attempting suicide.

    nkrukato if you are feeling how i am, maybe a change from your daily routine might help you just that little bit. it wont be a revolutionary long lasting solution, but maybe it will get your mind off things. it does for me (not all the time i might add), even though its a short while. I'm attempting Nike RunLondon on the 8th. 10km run. i probably wont make it but i'll try and see it through to the end. I know its hard being a hikikomori and all, but i think these are the first steps that will help you step onto this world. i know i will be shitting myself when i go to the event, knowing that everyone around me will be thinking how i wont be dressed properly for running, or how i wont be able to run a single mile (Heck i even get nervous and sweat like mad when i attend my study classes. and i've been doing it for a year and a half now). i dont know how i will be able to handle it. Thinking back.. i dont even know why i applied for the event.. maybe its subconsiously trying to get back into society? i donno. Whatever you choose to do, try to complete it as it will be an acomplishment you yourself achieved. that way it will make you feel just that little bit better.

    in saying all this, i still get depressed easily when something goes the other way, totally flipping out and getting those demons inside my head. I might say something totally pestimistic tomorrow or something. please ignore it. i donno whats going on in there but this side of me doesnt like the other side. and im pretty sure its the same the other way.

    sorry for long post again.

    also im chinese and live in the UK
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