What should I do about this?

[Witty_Sarcasm]

Ok, so my mom started a new job about a month ago, and we already know some of the workers there well enough because we shop there often. Anyway, this guy asked her for my contact information, and she gave it to him without asking me first, which bothered me, but still not the end of the world I guess. I don't mind getting to know people, and I added him to Facebook because he's always been friendly towards me. My mom said that he must have had a hard life because he has brain damage, it's not severe or anything, but it still makes me feel sad for him. The main issue is that he sends messages constantly, and if I don't answer right away, he asks if I'm mad at him, if I'm there, if he did something wrong, on a repeated basis. People that know me know that I like my space, and when someone wants to talk to me continuously, it makes me feel closed in and anxious. Besides that, I can't always be around to respond right away because that's not realisitc. My mom said I'm being mean for trying to set boundaries. So I feel guilty and feel like I'm being cruel to someone who is essentially disabled. I was wondering if anyone had any advice on how to handle this in a tactful manner.

 

[Witty_Sarcasm]

And to be clear, I'd feel bad no matter what, because I have a guilt complex a mile wide. It's not as if he has a lack of friends to talk to, either. He has nearly 2,000 on his Facebook.

 

[MisterBGone]

If he’s got, or suffered a traumatic brain injury (tbi) then he may this deficit for good (he may not, but he may). They often loose insight or awareness into their own actions & behaviors, etc. which is just one of the more common reasons they can so often be placed, or put into “homes,” (for their care). They tend to struggle with impulse-control, &/or “impulsivity;” may become extremely/incredibly short-tempered or angry (but not always, or necessarily). It kind of depends on where the damage or injury occurred. Whatever structural area anatomically was compromised, I believe you can then get a sense based on what that particular area of
The brain controls. 2$-5 what functions will be fucked —(in short!) . . .
but all is not lost, many / most of these people are very nice, have been abandoned to some degree (if not all) by their families. And sometimes can undergo “personality changes,” post tbi-
One of
The more common seen in t he head through the driver side windshield after not havun worn a seatbelt_x
I’m sure I’m forgetting more - (but that’s a decent start) just know you can redirect, but don’t necessarily expect to correct their behavior s as that little plastic clip that used to act as a filter on the brains (& minds), preventing them from saying stupid things - or rather, whatever pops into their heads at that moment - is likely now gone! :

 

[Witty_Sarcasm]

I don't know if he has a traumatic brain injury or not. Another co-worker told my mom the guy was a product of a botched abortion, but I'm not sure how true that is. So I guess it's been like this all of his life. But I feel like he should still be able to understand basic boundaries.

 

[MisterBGone]

If he does have a t.b.i., -(& he very well may not!), then he will likely NOT Be Able to understand these ~boundaries (your asking for areas of comprehension & patterns with in the brain that no longer work as they should).
anothe r nice/fun treat- many of them get or develop brand spanking new m. i.’s (mental illnesses) after getting awarded their prizes of these brain injuries for life! If that’s not a bargain; I don’t know what is . . . I’ve seen 50 year olds with the mental acuity of a 5 year old (extreme example). 30 year old acting / think ing, being as smart as 13, more likely...
You might just want to tell him you’re not into him, or interested in any sort of friendship, relationship or otherwise, if you don’t think you’re going to be able to handle it, or if you don’t see him as being able to make the adjustments as necessarily as you’d like and feel comfortable with— but what do I know??

 

[Witty_Sarcasm]

He repeats stuff a lot, like my name, so it makes me wonder if he does that so he doesn't forget. Maybe I am being too harsh, I don't know.

 

[MisterBGone]

He repeats stuff a lot, like my name, so it makes me wonder if he does that so he doesn't forget. Maybe I am being too harsh, I don't know.

Well, it would help to not be such an ‘eclectic nutbag!’ Sometimes—(just kidding 👧 !) haaa..!

 

[Witty_Sarcasm]

Well, it would help to not be such an ‘eclectic nutbag!’ Sometimes—(just kidding 👧 !) haaa..!

Yeah, but it helps me get through life

 

[MisterBGone]

. . . & learn some new dance moves, would’ja? (Please!) :^))..~ thank^you*•> gimme gimme | more_ (gimme gimme)... more_.!~*•>

 

[KM76710]

Boundaries are good, they allow you to live your life as you see fit and not for another person and you should never feel like you have to. I put it for myself as: "I will never live for the sake of another person, nor ask another person to live for mine.”.

 

[Acy]

@Witty⭐️Sarcasm ⭐️ - You have some options and maybe none of them are ideal. That makes it hard to know what we feel is best to do.

People need their personal boundaries, provided they are not harmful to the person or to others. Your desire for some space doesn’t sound harmful. Most people respect our boundaries, whether they do it naturally or because we have to talk to them about what we need or the behaviour we’ll accept. So that brings us to your options - you can carry on with this chap (TBI or not) the way you are now. That will be frustrating for both of you, from what you’ve said. So you could try the second option - gently tell him that you’re glad to hear from him, and sometimes you are not always available to reply, especially not “right away.” It means “I’m busy” not “I’m mad at you.” Your third option would be to just cut him out without an explanation - that would trigger your guilt complex, make your new friend really sad, and probably anger your mom.

I’m kind of hoping you’ll try to talk to him. As @MisterBGone has said, if he has brain damage, he might not be able to fully understand your boundaries easily. His messages and need for reassurance might be beyond his control - or at least need some time to learn.

I’ve had some experience with an adult with life-long brain damage. The clearer the boundaries we have set, the better things go. It’s the middle part - the understanding why we need boundaries - that my friend doesn’t “get.” She can certainly understand that it’s fine to call me a couple of times, but five calls in one day is overdoing it.

I hope you’ll let us know what you decide to do and how it goes, Witty. Wishing you the best with this.

 

[Witty_Sarcasm]

Everyone is giving really good advice, and I appreciate it all. He asked if I was busy earlier when I wasn't responding, and I told him I was. He said sorry and I just told him that if I don't respond, maybe I'm busy or sleeping. He said he understands so hopefully the issue is cleared up.

 

[MisterBGone]

Almost kind of think of it as an elderly patient with Alzheimer’s, or dementia . . . (Almost !) from the “ground hog day,” effect.. maybe 🤔 you’ll see what i mean - but hopefully not!

 

[Witty_Sarcasm]

Well, I guess I spoke too soon. He sent one message yesterday, so I thought he understood where I was coming from. But he's doing the whole "Are you there" schpiel again if I don't answer right away. And it's not even 8 AM here, so it's pretty early for me.

 

[MisterBGone]

Witty best way I can explain it to you —& forgive me the imperfect analogy, but that’s my specialty! Is that it’d be like if someone else in your life, who you are aquatinted with... & is not mentally ill: makes reference in regards your condition, and perhaps some if it’s less glamorous features, or attributes. And then they sit there - and say to you - or others when you’re not around (to defend yourself!). . . Boy? I just don’t get it— she does “this,” / “this,” / & this - makes NO Sense! “to-me?!.” (And that’s because you don’t have a m. i., buddy — just be ‘thankful!’ & ‘grateful..!’ That ‘chu ^*~Don’t: “get_it!”•

 

[Angie]

I can see you have a good heart.

Perhaps make a clear cut statement, no messages before 8 am or after 10 pm (i know, I'm old lol) and only 2 messages a day. That you are busy and you don't want this person to be upset so you are setting these guidelines (boundaries).

Just a thought...

 

[LonelyHiker]

Ok, so my mom started a new job about a month ago, and we already know some of the workers there well enough because we shop there often. Anyway, this guy asked her for my contact information, and she gave it to him without asking me first, which bothered me, but still not the end of the world I guess. I don't mind getting to know people, and I added him to Facebook because he's always been friendly towards me. My mom said that he must have had a hard life because he has brain damage, it's not severe or anything, but it still makes me feel sad for him. The main issue is that he sends messages constantly, and if I don't answer right away, he asks if I'm mad at him, if I'm there, if he did something wrong, on a repeated basis. People that know me know that I like my space, and when someone wants to talk to me continuously, it makes me feel closed in and anxious. Besides that, I can't always be around to respond right away because that's not realisitc. My mom said I'm being mean for trying to set boundaries. So I feel guilty and feel like I'm being cruel to someone who is essentially disabled. I was wondering if anyone had any advice on how to handle this in a tactful manner.

You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty, and your mom is out of line telling you this. Being disabled doesn't give anyone license to pester you constantly. You have every right to set boundaries.

 

[Witty_Sarcasm]

You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty, and your mom is out of line telling you this. Being disabled doesn't give anyone license to pester you constantly. You have every right to set boundaries.

My mom keeps making excuses, like "Maybe he doesn't know any better". He's worked at the same place for 13 years now, so I'm sure he can understand simple direction. And she said he probably has no friends, but he has over 1,900 on Facebook, plenty of them local. So he has lots of other people he can talk to when he can't get in touch with me.

 

[Witty_Sarcasm]

Witty best way I can explain it to you —& forgive me the imperfect analogy, but that’s my specialty! Is that it’d be like if someone else in your life, who you are aquatinted with... & is not mentally ill: makes reference in regards your condition, and perhaps some if it’s less glamorous features, or attributes. And then they sit there - and say to you - or others when you’re not around (to defend yourself!). . . Boy? I just don’t get it— she does “this,” / “this,” / & this - makes NO Sense! “to-me?!.” (And that’s because you don’t have a m. i., buddy — just be ‘thankful!’ & ‘grateful..!’ That ‘chu ^*~Don’t: “get_it!”•

Maybe, although I would hope that my friends don't talk negatively about me behind my back, because they wouldn't really be friends then.
And it can be hard with mental illness, but I always learn new ways to improve upon my behavior and not do what didn't work for me before.

 

[MisterBGone]

Maybe, although I would hope that my friends don't talk negatively about me behind my back, because they wouldn't really be friends then.
And it can be hard with mental illness, but I always learn new ways to improve upon my behavior and not do what didn't work for me before.

Beautiful ☺️—! : ) ✌️