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What should I do before I die.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by 1victor, Dec 20, 2009.

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  1. 1victor

    1victor Well-Known Member

    Is there anything that I should do before I die?
    I do not have any money and I called my mother already, she lives in another country, so that's covered. I do not have a suicide note 'cause I have nothing really to say. I have a phone list of people I knew so my neighbor could call them to tell them the date of my funerals.
    Did I miss anything?
  2. orangejulius

    orangejulius Well-Known Member

    How about live a full life, meet people, find something you can enjoy and pursue it? Don't rationalize suicide. It is irrational in almost every circumstance. I came back here after a couple months of inactivity because I "rebroke." I know it can be difficult to think positively in a bad situation.

    You lost your job and are possibly going to be homeless, right? Please try to get out of NYC. I guarantee you will find success elsewhere.

    If you need someone to talk to, I'll be here for a while.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 20, 2009
  3. 1victor

    1victor Well-Known Member

    I cannot say you wrong and I wish I could follow your advice. Normally, I deal with problems without much unnecessary excitement. I broke because I got too many problems at once. I am relatively old to find a paying job in music, I do not have any savings to dig in, the family I love is not with me and seem like do not care at all if I die. My wife does not answer my calls. My daughter doesn't want to have anything in common because she stole too much money from me and now she hates me fearing that I might claim it back. My mother-in-law hated me since the day one and that's was almost 30 years ago. Now it is her time to be in control, so she distance my wife from me as much as she could. I have no real friends in this country to help me financially. I have no relatives here either. It's too much for me to bite at once. I am depressed like hell because I love my wife like it was on the day I married her. Depression prevents me from being active and fight for my happiness. It seems like I am going in circles. I want to talk to my wife about our life. 30 years is not something that a person could forget easily. Again, I loved her and it's not just words. So, if I fail there is nothing in this world for me to live for. I cannot bear the fact that memories of my married life become a source for my depression and unhappiness. I am not looking forward to become a homeless either. So, I am sitting and waiting till I get cornered and then...(read the title)
  4. orangejulius

    orangejulius Well-Known Member

    Here is a quote from Dante that has always rang true for me:

    "There is no greater sorrow than to recall in misery the time when we were happy."

    For me, it means I need to get my mind off of things that are making me sad, like the past. You have a 30 year marriage that is in trouble... Have you talked to her face to face? I can't believe she won't take your calls. :(

    If you have nothing left in NYC, what is holding you back from leaving? Restart your life perhaps. It doesn't need to be far, just outside the city, because it's so hard to live there.

    Don't take comfort in suicide, it has never helped me, and I'm sure it won't help you.

    I'm in the chat room if you need anything...
  5. 1victor

    1victor Well-Known Member

    It's a good expression. Thanks.
    Well, I try to talk to her face to face but she told me if I come to Boston she will call the police. She promised me to come to NY on Dec.27. Now I see that 27th is Sut, and she works on Sut and Sun. There is no way she can skip the work. So, here I am at SF. She's been feeding me the same "I come soon" song for the past 3 1/2 months. I think it's time for me to realize that it is not going to happen. I will wait till 27th, which I think is stupid. Meanwhile, I am getting ready just in case. I understand your point of view and I think that too. It's just I am emotionally drained and and the crap pile I am in is too big for me to fight. I am tired. I wish I could move to some other state but at my age I need someone there to help me settle in. So far I did not find anyone. Nobody wants a miserable old man with no money. My thick accent doesn't help me either. Another thing is that my memories are always with me does not matter where I am.
  6. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    Maybe you should tell your wife about how your truely feeling instead of bottling up. Please, please ask her to talk, at least, don't make it sudden, give your wife, in fact anybody close to you a chance to do something, to help you, to talk. Open up to the ones you know, let them know about your situation..... please. Phone, anything.
  7. 1victor

    1victor Well-Known Member

    I told a couple of guys that seem to care about me that it's so bad that I am going to do it. One of them has been on the street for a short while so he knows what it's like to be out there. He said: if it's your choice than do it. It's hard out there. He has been literally dieing on the streets. He came to NYC because there is a big Russian community here and he is a classical tenor. At least he could sing for food. Some old lady took him in and put him back on his feet. He married her in exchange. He is 50, she is almost 70. He hates every minute being with her even after she gave him her house on Brighton in case she dies. He told me once: I wish I had died that time. That's what I am afraid of. Life always finds a way but do I really want it?
    Another guy told me approximately the same thing: I cannot help you, it's your choice. That's left nobody to turn to.
    For now, getting back together would be the best thing to happen. I love her, we are back together (no depression), I have a roof over my head till I get a job. I will get a job because when we are together we can do anything.
    I do not want to die, do not get me wrong. Of course, I won't do anything before I know I have exhausted all my options. But if I fail the depression will catch up with me.
  8. jjjoooggg2

    jjjoooggg2 Well-Known Member

    What is your wife doing? Does she want you to eventually support her?
  9. Crue-K

    Crue-K Well-Known Member

    You could register as an organ doner.
  10. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    There are other options available to you if you will take them. Instead of giving reasons why you can't do things, be proactive. Maybe you are too old to actively seek work in NYC as a musician, but what about other places> What is your background? Your training? Could you give private lessons? The arets are a difficult place to try and make a living unless you are established. You may have to seek employment in a fast food restaurant, or retail area. Perhaps you need to leave the city. Do not limit yourself or let pride get in your way. You mention your marriage is in trouble, but do not say why. Something must have changed for you or your wife if she wants nothing to do with you after 30 years. Sometimes the best way to show someone your love is to let them go. She may return after a time, but she may not. If she is not happy being there, would you want her to stay anyway? Don't give up on yourself.
  11. 1victor

    1victor Well-Known Member

    She is professionally trained classical music composer. I am a pro guitar player and orchestrator. She worth around $1.5 million or more. She does need any support from me.
    Good idea. I will sign my DL.
    I do not see myself stuffing shelves in K-mart. I'd rather die. I have shitty life as it is, I do not need to prolong the "pleasure". I only care about two things in this world my family and my music. At the moment I have neither so what's the point...
  12. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    Volunteer somewhere!

    It's not for money- but I feel that for the most part; volunteering feels really good. You can volunteer for a few days at an animal shelter- or an old folks home, or a homeless shelter; there are many places that will appreciate the bit of extra help.

    I will definitely volunteer at a few places in the future.
  13. 1victor

    1victor Well-Known Member

    You missed some of my posts, KG.
    I am not paying rent, 'cause my wife took all the money and I happened to closed my business this year due to slow economy and other reasons. I have been looking for a shelter but turns out there is a long waiting list to get into mens shelter. Cannot wait on the street and, to tell you the truth, I do not want to.
  14. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    ack >.<
    I'm sorry...

    If that is the case- I support organ donating 100%
  15. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You do still have your music though. You have enormous talent, and that's something that nobody could ever take away from you.

    You DO have other options. I know you said you don't want to work at a job where you're doing things like stacking shelves. But if you could move out of the city where rent is cheaper, and work at any sort of job for a while, you'd be able to support yourself, and things might start to improve.

    Please don't give up on yourself! You have the potential to make it work, to survive!
  16. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    ...I just wanted to mention this at least once...

    After my mom and dad split up when I was just little- he lived on his own in a one room apartment for years... eventually his depression led him to drink and drive and he had his driver's license taken away from him. He'd been a hermit for the last 10 years, and I rarely saw him.
    He was living in an abandoned shack in the woods when a social service worker found him and helped him.

    He is living in a house now- fully supported. He eats regularly and takes his medication without drinking or doing any drugs; and he looks after my Holly. (one of my cats that I had given him as a housewarming gift)
    He is doing so well now!
    It hurt me so badly to see how he was living, and each time it broke my heart even more... I felt guilty for not being able to help him in the past, and I don't know what I would've done if he'd given up in that time.
    I can't imagine living without him.
    He is a brilliant man with incredible musical talent, and a good brain who ended up down the wrong track and couldn't manage to get back for so long...
    Even more-- I am exactly like him in so many ways. Seeing him fail for so long was like seeing myself fail as well. I felt that if he couldn't make it, neither could I- but now I know that it is possible to be pulled out of all of the crap with a bit of help and perseverance.

    I don't think that anyone should give up.
    It is hard... and dying seems like the easy way out- but life is valuable and we should try to do our best with what we're given.

    You will do what you need to in the end; I know.
    I wish you the best!
  17. 1victor

    1victor Well-Known Member

    I cannot pay my rent with food stamps no mater what city I am in. I am flat broke. No first rent, no last rent, no nothing. On top of that my depression does not give me much chance to care enough about future.
  18. History

    History Well-Known Member

    do you have any relatives who could help you out?
  19. 1victor

    1victor Well-Known Member

    You are a good person, KG. All that my kids care abut is money. I do not have anything to offer them anymore so they do not care what's gonna happen to me. They do not answer my calls. Hard to believe, I know, but you heard about Hitler, right? He had parents too.
    I am nor sure I understand what you are trying to say. My English is not that good. All I see is that life in the shack is horrible and I do not want it.
  20. 1victor

    1victor Well-Known Member

    I am completely alone in this country. I mean I had a family but my daughters, 29 and 30, married, have families of their own and live in some other states. My 77 yo mother lives in Russia. I am not citizen of Russia and I do not want to go there no matter how bad things are in here even if I were one.
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