OK, I rarely make posts, but last night I made some progress. Unfortunately it was in the wrong direction. For the first time in years; probably since I was sixteen, I actually made a plan you could say. For that last few years I have had deep depression and suicidal thoughts. But thats just it, they were thoughts. Last night I actually made the decision to buy a gun. I do not feel as strongly now, but as the day wears on I am sure I will reach that point again. It only seems to get worse. Now, alot of you know my experience with Doctors. You know I have been inpatient plenty of times. And you knwo the Doctors refuse to give me the only medications that help me. So I am left wondering, What the hell can I do? I don't know where to turn. I want help so bad. If I tell my therapist or the folks at group I will get committed. And then it will be the same old crap. ie a waste of time. I really don't know what to do.