What should i do?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Crash9000, Oct 26, 2008.

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  1. Crash9000

    Crash9000 Guest

    I'm 15 (in december) (male) i dropped out of school when i was... i think 11 and a half. Due to certain health and emotional problems which i dont really want to go into detail. I went back in late 2006 for about 2months as the school board said i should give it a month trial, i tryed to get into the routine of school. but i was going to bed right after school waking up at about 10pm going to school tierd and occasionaly slightly intoxicated (lovely whisky). And i was in the lowest set of classes which was a big surprise since in primary school i got above average in everything. So i thought if im not going to be sucessful acedemicly, What do i need to care about school. So i began fighting kids who before now posed as a threat. Like just generaly being higher in the food chain, i would normaly avoid. So i began getting violent. Didn't do much work, so there was no point in staying as i more than likly would of had to go down a year (grade if you are american) anyway. By now this would of been december 2006. My mum and i requested that i perhaps be home taught. Even to this day we are still waiting on it. They said they are working into getting it sorted but doubt it will ever get setup before i would of normaly left school. so i got a xbox360 and began playing that. Was good times, i was rather good at the games i played, thought that if im a failure at the outside world... hey at least i can be a sucess inside playing recreational enjoyment, everything was going fine. knowing that i will never get a good job. girlfriend, have friends (didnt even have any on xbox) or be normal, until about september 2007 what with the release of halo 3 i began taking gaming seriously. Playing to win more than to have fun, suddenly my rather above average gaming skill went shooting down (get it?... nvm) Everytime i messed up i would normaly start flaling my thighs... but that didnt sort the frustration. So i started impaling the bottom (if u know 360 controllers. its the bottom part of the handle) of the controler into my knee. hurt quite a bit but it was the only thing that would shut me up and calm down. normaly thanks to the way it hurts alot and over a long time without any blood or signs that i have done it. my mum works full time, so im alone all day doing nothing but playing xbox and going on the internet. so i stoped gaming in 2008 the only gaming i do is playing Call of duty 4, and even then i just friendly fire all day... makes me feel better knowing that im ruining someone elses fun... which im sure isnt very healthy. started getting a bit upset that the only thing i cared about. and was slightly good at was now just a bunch of ass and frustration. so about febuary i started thinking of having a life again. thinking of how i could get started again, maybe getting a education getting a girlfriend and do a little gaming on the side... like everyone else my age does :mad: but then i rememberd. i dont want to get a job let alone able to get one, and wont be able to get a girlfriend because i have no future... and im an asshole. so that went out the window hiting a tree then landing in a pond to be shortly struck by lightning. so since then ive just been carrying on living, normaly random internet browsing watching TV and friendly firing on call of duty 4. and hoping that something will work out for me. and really the only thing that has changed is ive got a bit suicidal. Not that its all crying and wrist slicing. oh no, im still trying to enjoy life knowing that if nothing gets better at least i can have fun commiting suicide not in a sick and twisted way but in a way that im sure lots of people would enjoy. <methods> My mum doesnt know that i feel a bit suicidal. infact i think she doesnt care about me as much as she could / should, she takes care of me sure. she cares about me. but shes just not there when i need her. when shes at home for the hour she gets before she goes to sleep and if i got a bit frustrated that no matter where i go i get all hate directed at me and i dont know why. and i punch a wall or something. my step dad (dad lives in sweden) will say something like "bla bla bla dont do that. bla bla bla. me and mum cant handle any stress" in an only child. so really no one cares about me. got no friends all my family live on the other side of the country if i was to commit suicide right now the only one who would be effected by it in a BAD way would be my mother, and sadly thats whats keeping me from doing so.

    if you read all that and understood 98% of what i said. kudos. since eveything i write is normaly misspelt words, bad grammar and punctuation that rivals a 8year olds. Would anyone have any suggestions... or anything that could help?
     
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2008
  2. Shadowlands

    Shadowlands Official SF Hugger Staff Alumni

    Sorry things are going like that for you. I suppose it's very frustrating. I know, that suggesting to get a hold of it won't work. Maybe you should try to get some job, get some money and strive to move somewhere else, to start a new life. :hug:
     
  3. midnight08

    midnight08 Member

    Have you tried to source some outside help ...maybe a councilor to help you work through things ...maybe you could join some sort of group that could help you move forward and develop
     
  4. Crash9000

    Crash9000 Guest

    yeh i see a councilor but they dont seem to do anything
     
  5. Crash9000

    Crash9000 Guest

    im 14 so like the only job i can get is like a paperboy that pays below the minimum wage its like 10pound a week :dry:
     
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Why not find a course of study that has to do with computer games??? graphic arts, sales, technical operations??? get your GED and move on...it seems that the more we label ourselves useless, the more useless we are...sometimes, taking small steps in our own best interest allows us to build on that and form a better opinion of ourselves...just a thought and hope you know how well you expressed yourself and how worthy you are...big hugs, J
     
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