What should I say to help her? (Poss Triggers)

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Blueberry, Jul 5, 2008.

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  1. Blueberry

    Blueberry Active Member

    I know a girl who was raped by a father figure. She is in her teens.

    One time, she didn't cry during being raped. He said" you don't cry today, you must like it."

    She is feeling guilty. Thinking that she might have liked it. That she is a bad person.

    I listened to her -- told her I thought this was a "head trip" and that it was NOT HER FAULT. That she did not choose this.

    But, she's still suicidal.

    What can I say to her? She's looking to me to explain why sometimes she cried and sometimes not. Why sometimes it hurt and sometimes it didn't. She's so young, it's hard to explain to her that this was PART of the abuse and manipulation.

    Any ideas?
  2. Attack19

    Attack19 Member

    jesus sexual abusers are so sick. It can really fuck with your head because people are naturally enjoy sex but when your abused it messes with the mental side of enjoying sex..I don't think you can tell her anything to feel better, she must go through a healing process but if she is still living in that house you gotta get her out of there shes still in danger. sorry if this isn't much help but i can relate and i feel sorry for her:sad:
  3. Blueberry

    Blueberry Active Member

    I know, they're SO sick. It makes me so angry that he said all these terrible mind games to her.

    I did tell her that it was going to be a process to realize that it wasn't her fault, that she was a victim, and what he said was evil and wrong.

    I'm just being there for her. But it's so hard to see her suicidal over this.

    She's terrified to go to court.

    She is out -- going to the hospital and dealing with the police was as bad as the rape from what she tells me.

    She doesn't want to have to say everything in court.

    There are other victims, so I told her she wouldn't be alone if he tries to discredit her, how can he discredit all the vicitms.

    But, again, she's so young. She just doesn' t seem to get it yet. Maybe she's still in shock.

    I just tell her that I'm there for her, no matter what. I sit up with her at night because she's afraid to go to sleep.

  4. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    The feeling of numbness and 'here it goes again' can come into it. Often crying does not happen during this as the mentality starts to believe that this is what happens and that crying is not going to stop it. She did not enjoy it and she knows she didn't and so do you. What happened is terible and very hard to cope with. She will feel that she eggd him on and that she caused the abuse. That she made him do this to her.

    I say to people that still blame themeselves (and something I read in a book) that the abuser had already planned to abuse a child. The child is not always know to the abuser right away but often the thought leads to a plan that the abuser gets excited about. The abuser knew that he could get your friend on her own and so she became his victim. She did nothing to provoke him or anything. I reccommend to books that I read...both writtern by people who have delt with sexual abuse victims. These are 'Breaking free' and 'Women who hurt themselves' . Both these books have some description in them of other people lives and although I found it hard to read I found it easier to cope the more I read how these people survived and the way that they did. As a surviver myself reading this helped me see that there is live after abuse and ways to cope.

    Don't give up on her. Let her know that you are always going to be there and do not touch her in anyway without asking her. You need to do the latter because it will help her see that she is in control of her body and that she can still have a say in what happens to her. You also may need to help her realise that she is not the child and that there was no way that she could have fought the father figure off her.

    Take Care of yourself and keep going with your friend. It might take a while and if you are male she may take things out on you making you think that you are not good enough for her and that she hates you. Keep remembering that this is not true and that she needs some space and so tell her that you are going to and then go. Give her 5 10 min to let her calm down. Same applies if you are female. It is her way of being angry towards herself and her abuser.

  5. Attack19

    Attack19 Member

    your a great friend blueberry. everything butterflies said was such great advice. don't give up on her especially if she feels like giving up on herself. god bless you
  6. It takes a very brave soul to act as you have (though "courage" does NOT mean 'in the absence of fear' - but acting INSPITE of it! AS is true for your friend!). You may likely not be there throughout her journey (healing takes years)...BUT...to encourage her to find resources and avenues - and to reinforce that ANYONE whose undergone such horrible circumstances MUST attend to seeking them out (even if You or another supply them) - is ONLY for their healing!!

    The trouble with "victim mentality" is that they integrate the notion that they "deserved it"... Compassion goes infinitely farther than blame...and "listening" often goes further than dispensing a one-size-fits-all solutions.

    It will be a journey for BOTH of you... But please remember that you cannot give from an empty cup - nor are you obliged to drain your own. Horrors take time to reckon with. Set your OWN pace, even if your friend cannot seem to do now...yet...

    (TRULY - she is blessed to have you - but keep in mind the above^)

  7. Blueberry

    Blueberry Active Member

    Thank you, everyone for your support -- it's been a very long week and a half.

    Horrors take time to recon with -- no truer words have ever been spoken.

    It's been really frustrating this week -- as I don't see her in person, only online.

    She had her 2nd of 2 suicide attempts 2 days ago. And all I can do is just watch and be there for her.

    But, this last attempt has left her injured -- I think it's been a bit of a wake up call. She's in the hospital under high-risk watch. So -- that gives me some peace that she's somewhat safe from hurting herself.

    And it gives her time to heal. I continue to be there for her -- said I'm not going anywhere.
  8. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    That must have been really hard. Look after yourself aswell ok?


  9. Blueberry

    Blueberry Active Member

    Thank you -- it is hard. Fortunately I have a bit of patience, but this is really testing me.

    I like that F.E.A.R. -- think it's so true!
  10. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    It would feel like it is testing you but I am only looking out for you and telling you how I would have liked to have been treated. It is hard for someone who has never been through all this to completely understand and it can be frustrating and upsetting knowing that you can't take it all away from her.

    She is strong to have coped up to this point and it is not unusal for a rape victim to try and take their own life at least once in their lives since it happened. She is angry deep down and she is coping with it in the only way that she knows is best. Even though the outsider can see that it is dangerous and not the best thing in the long run it is the only way the victim can see and feels that it will end their pain and allow her to break free from it and sometimes thinks that it will help other people as they do not see the victim in a different light. A rape victim see's herself as dirty and thinks that other people knows that they are dirty and bad or they try and give her a sympathetic look or try hard to help her. Something the victim can not stand and yet they want to feel safe but feel like they never will be.

    A victim is scared and unsure of what they want and what they are allowed. The do not feel like they deserve anything and that is hard for other people to understand and see. A confussing situation for both sides.

    So how do you help. You do and you don't. Let her come to you when she needs you and do not push for information. Never push for information. Let her talk as and when even if you know that she wants to talk but that she can't. Encourage her let her know that she is amazing and gorgeous and that she has not lost her charm. Keep her spirits up. If it helps write her a letter. A supportive one that lets her see how you are feelng and how you see her...that you do not see her in a different light.

    It must be hard to be seeing things from the outside and Ihope that we can help support you support her and keep yourself strong as well. It is obvious that you care for her and you need to keep showing that to her...no matter how hard it becomes and how much she tries to hurt you.



    Maybe you should tell her to FEAR.
  11. Blueberry

    Blueberry Active Member

    So far, so good. Thanks for sharing that -- it's all stuff she's brought up.

    It's actually been a good experience for me -- as I've always been on the receiving end of help.

    Helping her makes me realize how much I've learned in dealing with depression for the last 23 years. I've been able to be calm and re-assuring and not get swayed or scared by her strong emotions and actions. But, not knowing the specifics of rape -- its good you shared those things.

    I've had to learn to let go of any delusion of control of her or the situation, since I'm online only -- which is good, because I can then encourage her to make good use of her control of self and the situation.

    She's been having nightmares -- is scared to go to sleep -- puts it off until she absolutely is passing out. But the hospital she's in now has given her something really strong. I hope it also helps with dreams.
  12. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    I do not know what drugs (sleeping ones) do to help with dreams. Confuse them I hope.

    I was reading an earlier post and your friend is right going through it with the police is harder than going through it at the time. Having to relive such memories is terrifying and scary and I do not blame the fact that she does not want to sleep.

    If it is helping you then I guess it is a good thing but do not let it dragg you down.

    Take Care.

  13. Blueberry

    Blueberry Active Member

    Tonight things took a bizarre twist.

    This person I've been there for has had multiple traumas -- not just rape -- and since a young age.

    Tonight I met what I think was an alternate personality. I think she has multiple personality disorder.

    She was asking me what I thought was wrong -- and I only reassured her that it looked to me that what was happening everyday with waking up in a different room with different clothes, etc, etc, etc -- was a coping mechanism for dealing with stress.

    The personality I talked with tonight had a completely different way of talking and also was very protective, angry and hostile -- with no other emotions. It kept saying "leave us alone".

    It did scare me, as I've invited her to live with me and my family. But, no matter what -- I will continue to be a calm, reassuring pressence in her life.

    I told the angry personality that it had boundaries that it could enforce, and if it chose to leave -- that was a boundary choice I would respect. But, that I wasn't going to abandon "them".

    It was intriging -- yet terrifying.

    I'm going to call her doctor at the hospital where she is staying and let them know what I've experience -- just in case they miss it somehow. Although she did say that she's let the nurses know that she's missing time, blacking out -- waking up doing things she doesn't remember having done, etc.

    Anyone out there -- just pray for this teenage girl -- she, of anyone, truly deserves and needs it.
  14. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    I will pray for her.

    It is good that you let her doctors no.


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