Im too f*ckin tired. I wish I wasn't conditioned to believe that killing myself would result in becoming a ghost and suffering 10x more trapped inside an ethereal body. I easily would've gone through with it already. I dont know how to explain all this without feeling pathetic but whatever. Im 26. I live with my parents. I work a pathetic job at starbucks which brings in close to nothing. Im going bald. I have swollen veins in my testicles. I have white spots all over the shaft and rim of my penis. I havent been laid in 4 years. I have very abnormal looking sperm. I have no college education to speak of. I've completely lost contact with all friends and haven't gone out to hang out with anyone for literally 1 year straight. All my friends are out living their lives, clubbing in NYC, working 60,000+ year jobs with girlfriends, casual sex, one night stands, blah blah blah. Iv'e tried to disguise what Im going through as just being "depressed" but its so much more than that. All these physical problems are driving me nuts. There's no real cure for any of them and Ive been told to just live with it. I'm not going to talk to any of them about this shit. It's way too fuckkin awkard and embarassing. What makes it even worse is that things were ok about 3 years ago. My hairloss was under control and I started feeling attractive again. But it turns out the medication I was taking had horrible side effects. Then I got hit with all these other things at the same time. Swollen veins , white spots, abnormal sperm. ALL at the most SENSITIVE part of the male anatomy. WHAT THE F*CK. My hairloss makes me look like 15 years older and incredibly unnatractive. How can anyone feel confident with that shit? On top of that I live with my f*ckin parents at 26 with NO education to speak of and no car, no friends? WHY AM I LIVING??? I WAKE UP TO SUFFER. THATS ALL. MEDICATIONS DONT HELP. NOTHING HELPS. All I do is think about these problems. I cant function socially because I have literally NOTHING to say. I have no money. I cant buy new clothes. I have no car. I just cant F*CKIN function whatsoever. I cant get a credit card because Ive been late on a couple payments in the past. I know what its like to feel somewhat normal and the contrast makes it feel 1000x worse. Everyday Im surrounded by people living their lives happily engaged in all these activitities blah blah blah. its too much. This is NOT LIFE. This is HELL. WHY IS SUICIDE LOOKED DOWN UPON?