What the f*ck is the point of living if every second of every day is hell?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by utterly overwhelmed, May 16, 2008.

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  1. utterly overwhelmed

    utterly overwhelmed New Member

    Im too f*ckin tired. I wish I wasn't conditioned to believe that killing myself would result in becoming a ghost and suffering 10x more trapped inside an ethereal body. I easily would've gone through with it already.

    I dont know how to explain all this without feeling pathetic but whatever.

    Im 26. I live with my parents. I work a pathetic job at starbucks which brings in close to nothing. Im going bald. I have swollen veins in my testicles. I have white spots all over the shaft and rim of my penis. I havent been laid in 4 years. I have very abnormal looking sperm. I have no college education to speak of. I've completely lost contact with all friends and haven't gone out to hang out with anyone for literally 1 year straight. All my friends are out living their lives, clubbing in NYC, working 60,000+ year jobs with girlfriends, casual sex, one night stands, blah blah blah. Iv'e tried to disguise what Im going through as just being "depressed" but its so much more than that. All these physical problems are driving me nuts. There's no real cure for any of them and Ive been told to just live with it. I'm not going to talk to any of them about this shit. It's way too fuckkin awkard and embarassing. What makes it even worse is that things were ok about 3 years ago. My hairloss was under control and I started feeling attractive again. But it turns out the medication I was taking had horrible side effects. Then I got hit with all these other things at the same time. Swollen veins , white spots, abnormal sperm. ALL at the most SENSITIVE part of the male anatomy. WHAT THE F*CK. My hairloss makes me look like 15 years older and incredibly unnatractive. How can anyone feel confident with that shit? On top of that I live with my f*ckin parents at 26 with NO education to speak of and no car, no friends? WHY AM I LIVING??? I WAKE UP TO SUFFER. THATS ALL. MEDICATIONS DONT HELP. NOTHING HELPS.

    All I do is think about these problems. I cant function socially because I have literally NOTHING to say. I have no money. I cant buy new clothes. I have no car. I just cant F*CKIN function whatsoever. I cant get a credit card
    because Ive been late on a couple payments in the past.

    I know what its like to feel somewhat normal and the contrast makes it feel
    1000x worse. Everyday Im surrounded by people living their lives happily engaged in all these activitities blah blah blah. its too much.

  2. Fishman

    Fishman Guest

    well at least you have gotten laid and it sounds like you lived you 'before' years quite well.
  3. utterly overwhelmed

    utterly overwhelmed New Member

    Yes, I feel like I lived life up to age 14 but after that it has been essentially f*cked but truly f*cked after age 18 due to many reasons I cant properly explain. I can't even get into everything as I feel I dont even have the ability to properly convey it. Social anxiety, being shunned and made fun of as a clown by what I thought to be good friends, etc. Through therapy and family support I thought I could maybe deal with this stuff but when the physical problems hit it has become way to overwhelming.

    It all feels inescapable.

    My intuition tells me that when most people read this they think my situation to be pathetic. I should just get over it as people have worse things to deal with.

    I know I have stuff to be greatful for and it could always be worse (not having arms or legs) but that doesnt do anything in making me feel better.
  4. Darken

    Darken Well-Known Member

    I am very similar to you. I have no friends, bad social anxiety, bad social skills. Every thing you mentioned. Plus I'm fat and unhealthy. The thing that makes me feel better, is that there is technology to fix nearly every thing. Humans just have not activated it, in most of the world. You can fix all your problems with this technology. Compassionate professionals that can really help people like us do exist. They can take the biggest loser in the world like me and make me into a normal person. They can cure all diseases also, top secret though. I'm just waiting for the future. There also is meaning in life, there is higher realms and utopian worlds. God is real. That's what I believe.
  5. LostMyMind

    LostMyMind Well-Known Member

    Your description fits me exactly, replace balding with fat ass and that's me. At least you have a job, I'm soon to be on disability because of schizophrenia. I'm not sure what to say, I'm in the same boat as you and it seems to be sinking more everyday. When I wake up in the morning I wish I didn't.
  6. ZundertowZ

    ZundertowZ Well-Known Member

    this may sound weird but i wish i had parents to live with! when i say im alone, i mean im alone! no parents, no siblings, no real friends! im in a living hell!
  7. dreamstar

    dreamstar Active Member

    Hey there, I feel your pain so much. Oh God I'm in pure hell now!!!! I have real BAD social anxiety, no social skills, just a complete and utter social LOSER! I'm almost 30, still live with my parents. I work this crap office cleaning job. I'm poor, barely get by. Have no friends. Got these three email people I keep in touch with but thats fading more and more everyday. One is an 'unpredictable' bitch and the other two are just 'distant'. I've never felt so ALONE:(. I just wish there was someone I could reach out to but there is no one:(. I just wish there was some LOVE and WARMTH but all there is is just COLDNESS and EMPTINESS:(. I cry out to God because he's all I got in this world to turn to but thats feeling so empty these days:(. I've developed bad physical problems recently too. Its so awful. It just makes the emotional suffering so much worse to have physical problems on top of it all:(. I dont know what to do. I've tried to fix the physical problems to no avail. Its just hopeless. I want to die so bad but there are no good ways:(. I'm afraid of brain damage and wounding up worse off:(. I just wish I could go off someplace where no one could find me and just starve to death!!!!!!!!! I dont know why they have to make suicide so hard:(. Anyway, just want you to know I feel your pain. Life is so cruel:(.

    take care,
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