what the fuck am i doing with my life

[Reckoner]

I fucked up.
I dropped out of school to pursue getting wasted.
I lost my job, the love of my life, and most of my belongings to substance abuse.
I might have cancer, but no health insurance to cover a checkup or surgery.
My only talent is songwriting and playing the guitar, but even that doesn't bring me joy anymore.
I want to be certain that I will die a painless death, in a warm, safe place, not later down the line, homeless and desperate.
All my happiness is behind me, I don't see a light at the end of this tunnel.

And the fact that I'm telling faceless dozens about it on an internet forum doesn't exactly bring me peace, either. Seems everyone here is just vying for attention, padding their stories, rehearsing their broken verses. I guess this is my own form of catharsis, to write out how I feel, but people, I used to look down on those who couldn't "pull themselves up by their bootstraps", but wouldn't you know, karma has a great way of making things come full circle, huh?

Does someone out there care about a cynical, drug addicted writer?
Of course not. That's why Hunter S. killed himself. He didn't have anything left in his life to look forward to, and that's where I am. The best of it all is water under the bridge, all that's left to anticipate is the cold, lonely world we live in.

 

[messedupmarionette]

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. I don't really know what to say except that you're not as alone as you feel right now. Everybody has highs and lows, and there are probably more people in your life that care about you than you think. It's not easy when you're battling something like an addiction, but it is possible to go on and live a happy life. The more you try, the more support you'll have.

I'm not really sure what else to say, but if you want to talk feel free to send me a message.

 

[fieldsOfSarrow]

Does someone out there care about a cynical, drug addicted writer?

lol, ya we all do to one degree or other, with the exception of the ghouls out there that love to stare and caper around those that are about to crash and burn.

personally i have never been able to laugh at others, been dealin w/ depression all my life has sorta left me in no state to really look down on others.

 

[darkrider]

well I care about everyone that writes on here.. because we share the same pain. I feel like I can associate more on here than on the outside.

 

[snowraven]

Hi and welcome to the forum. Sorry you feel your life is in such a bad way at the moment and hope that you find the help and support you need to either cope with or even better to overcome your problems. The fact that you have realized the true cost of your habit is a good thing. I don't know what you are into but If you want to chat or pm me you are welcome to anytime. I'm not fully sure about it but didn't Hunter S actually survive quite a while before leaving us? He certainly got up to a lot of stuff. Take care.S.:smile:

 

[jameslyons]

Hi Reckoner,

I can't empathize with your direct troubles right now, but it may help to know that:

I Write,
That my depression and suicidal impulses handicapped my writing output.
That I stopped going to classes for seven weeks and as a result have failed all my classes.
That I stopped working for weeks and lost my job.
That I accidentally deeply cut myself.
That I threw in the towel, called my family and friends to tell them of my troubles, and then prepared to commit suicide.

Know that I didn't kill myself and I'm glad to find the energy to go on. Writers are prone to depression. The environment and cultural influences are there to tempt us, but it's important to realize that most writers who were suicidal managed to live through their depressions. While it may be a constant in our lives, it's important to make sure we never succumb to it.

Have you yet made a list of the reasons why you want to end your life?

James.

 

[sudut]

Its o.k. Let it all out.

 

[Stranger1]

Hey Reckoner,
I did the same thing. I started getting high when I was twelve. By the time I was in high school I was getting wasted everyday. It was all I cared about. Somehow I made it to twelfth grade, and by then I was skipping school everyday to get drunk and stoned. Like a dumb ass I left Texas and went back to Florida. If I would have hung in till the end of the school year I would have graduated because my teachers were passing me just to get rid of me.
Me and a couple of friends had long hair and were known to be druggies. Everyone else were rednecks. The only friends we had were hispanics. My girlfriend was Mexican. I still miss her nowadays.(thats a whole nother story).
I have bullshitted my way thru jobs. I finally found a management job that paid excellent and worked there for ten years. Thats when I had my breakdown and attempted suicide. I woke up the next day sick as hell, my hands, ankles and feet were all swollen up from (methods). From there I went into a phsyc facility for people uninsured because I lost my job that was the only choice I had.
You can kick the habit, you just have to set your mind to doing it. Like I said I started when I was twelve and finally quit in my middle thirties. I have been drug free for twenty some years. I only had one relapse when my neice decided to get me high and then started buying it for me. Then she narced on me with my sister. (BITCH). I haven't spoke to her since and never will. I have no use for her. I hear her girlfriend has her hooked on smoking crack now!!
Do your self a favor and quit. Once you get past the withdrawls you see life in a whole different way. I hope some of this babbling makes since. Sometimes my mind gets all tangled up and I say something and mean something all togethor different. Take Care!~Joseph~

 

[EspenN]

Well, if you're good at songwriting and playing guitar you could try getting a band. If you get alot of people to like your music, it might bring you joy again.

As when it comes to this forum it seems to me like most, or at least some, of the members here are mostly trying to help. Some are attention-seekers, but it might be that they actually need that attention, just like you do now. Everyone needs help now and then, and asking on here might help you, I guess, to find some answers you're looking for

To the fact that you might have cancer, I don't know what to say ... I've never had anything like that before myself ... but it might come from drug-use, as you say you do.

 

[Melodie]

Ugh, I'm afraid I'm going to drop out of college because I can't get any work done. Then i'd have to break up with my boyfriend because I can't bear dating him as a freaking college drop out.

 

[Reckoner]

I posted this topic however long ago I posted this topic.

Things were looking up since I last posted. I sorted through most of my shit, got a couple gigs at a few local parties, which didn't pay well. But hey, it's money, right?
Got back on track with writing a few short stories that weren't centered around depression. Wrote a happy ditty or two. Haven't gone to a doctor about a checkup, but...

Recently, I left town to visit relatives for Thanksgiving. While I was gone, my ex went out and found a new boyfriend, and has completely cut off any contact with me. While this, on paper, sounds like just the thing that needed to happen, I dated this girl for around four years out of high school. It was like a short marriage, so when I found out she was dating one of my friends, I flipped shit. I haven't spoken to her, but I'll be fucked if I'm not missing her like crazy right now, and that's just dredged up a bunch of my depression and concerns about my life. I've been drinking nonstop since I heard this.

The guy she's seeing now is a intermittent roommate of mine (and is so because of my friend's generosity, not mine) so it's likely that when I go back to MY apartment, he'll be there, sleeping on the couch. I don't know if I'm going to be able to NOT hurt him. I want him to hurt as much as I'm hurting now.

God, I sound selfish.

I'm not sure I have any good friends that I can trust left... nobody to really turn to except for this forum again. I didn't intend to post again since last time, but after recently reading a bunch of near death experiences and attempted suicide stories, I'm considering killing myself again.
I'm trying to go about this as calmly as I can, I've already planned out a place where I can leave my car and hike into the woods with a backpack full of bricks, jump into a lake, and shoot myself (in that order? maybe?) so my family won't know what happened to me. And though it's selfish, I want her to hurt. I want her to know that she's the reason I've disappeared.

On the other hand, the only thing that's stopping me is my mom and dad. I don't want to hurt them, they're getting pretty old, and I think that if I killed myself, they'd never recover from the shock, hence why I want to disappear rather than paint the bathroom with my brains.

It just seems that whatever's out there is better than this, better than being susceptible to the highs and lows of the human condition. I know that if I don't end my life on a high note, I'm going to spiral into depression and substance abuse for the rest of my life and just drag this out much longer than it needs to go.

Sorry for the bump. Had to get this out.

 

[soliloquise]

I posted this topic however long ago I posted this topic.

Things were looking up since I last posted. I sorted through most of my shit, got a couple gigs at a few local parties, which didn't pay well. But hey, it's money, right?
Got back on track with writing a few short stories that weren't centered around depression. Wrote a happy ditty or two. Haven't gone to a doctor about a checkup, but...

Recently, I left town to visit relatives for Thanksgiving. While I was gone, my ex went out and found a new boyfriend, and has completely cut off any contact with me. While this, on paper, sounds like just the thing that needed to happen, I dated this girl for around four years out of high school. It was like a short marriage, so when I found out she was dating one of my friends, I flipped shit. I haven't spoken to her, but I'll be fucked if I'm not missing her like crazy right now, and that's just dredged up a bunch of my depression and concerns about my life. I've been drinking nonstop since I heard this.

The guy she's seeing now is a intermittent roommate of mine (and is so because of my friend's generosity, not mine) so it's likely that when I go back to MY apartment, he'll be there, sleeping on the couch. I don't know if I'm going to be able to NOT hurt him. I want him to hurt as much as I'm hurting now.

God, I sound selfish.

I'm not sure I have any good friends that I can trust left... nobody to really turn to except for this forum again. I didn't intend to post again since last time, but after recently reading a bunch of near death experiences and attempted suicide stories, I'm considering killing myself again.
I'm trying to go about this as calmly as I can, I've already planned out a place where I can leave my car and hike into the woods with a backpack full of bricks, jump into a lake, and shoot myself (in that order? maybe?) so my family won't know what happened to me. And though it's selfish, I want her to hurt. I want her to know that she's the reason I've disappeared.

On the other hand, the only thing that's stopping me is my mom and dad. I don't want to hurt them, they're getting pretty old, and I think that if I killed myself, they'd never recover from the shock, hence why I want to disappear rather than paint the bathroom with my brains.

It just seems that whatever's out there is better than this, better than being susceptible to the highs and lows of the human condition. I know that if I don't end my life on a high note, I'm going to spiral into depression and substance abuse for the rest of my life and just drag this out much longer than it needs to go.

Sorry for the bump. Had to get this out.

use your music. try bandmix to meet others to work with. it helps. the world needs creative people, don't blow it if you have talent. use your music as a tool to mae life bearable.. i do