What the fuck did I do to deserve this? *trigger warning*

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Petal, Oct 26, 2015.

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  1. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I have a broken ankle which is causing great pain and that could be causing me to feel this way but I don't think so. Last week I cut my arms several times (after not cutting for 3 and a half years, I was never really a cutter), tonight I cut myself 4 times. I have no friends anymore, I have become withdrawn, I feel everyone hates me. I have no one, I'm crying so bad, I was doing SO good...what the fuck happened?

    I feel so alone. On friday, crisis team contacted me and offered me a place in the psych ward but I refused because I don't want to go back to that stage in my life. I am a HUGE burden to everyone around me. I'm crying, I'm bleeding....please help?

    Don't worry-the cuts don't need stitching.
     
  2. robroy

    robroy Well-Known Member

    Hey Petal I'm here for you. I'm in kind of a dark place and just gave myself some cuts and was about to give myself some more before I read this, why don't we talk and try to help each other out alright?
     
  3. robroy

    robroy Well-Known Member

    Let's not be ashamed of ourselves for cutting, we're both doing our best but we're only human and we're going to slip up every once in a while. Also im guessing you've been in this dark place before and the feeling had passed before and will pass again, so try to remember that to.
     
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  4. robroy

    robroy Well-Known Member

    Also Petal, right now that your in this dark place you're looking at everything through a very dark lense, it looks and feels like no one cares about you but that's never the case no matter what your mind is telling you; once in group therapy my therapist told us "a thought is a thought is a thought", just becuse our mind is telling us something doesn't make it true. I can state with all honesty that without having met you in person you have had a direct impact on my life by making me feel cared about and less lonely and I'm sure others here will tell you the same thing(hugs)
     
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  5. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Petal, I am sorry, I didn't know that you had broken your ankle, of course I would have no real reason to, but I am sorry,it may be that you feel incapacitated or just less mobile because of your ankle, that is a natural reaction, it is frustrating I am sorry that you have started self harming I am aware of the issues that it causes, that on top of feeling you have no friends and withdrawing, I believe that you know not everyone hates you, the feeling exists? You are not a burden I think you must know that as well, I am telling you that YOU are not a big Burden, You are not hated! I don't know what is happening, has all of this come about since you broke your ankle? You know you have the support of most of this room if not all, we are an will be here for you if you need! I like many others respect you and the work you have done an do for the people that come here, I am glad as well that you did not need any stitching!
    Petal, you are important Please take care of yourself Please If you want to self harm let someone here know! or talk to someone.
    Please Please Be Gentle on yourself!
     
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  6. Damaged_Goods

    Damaged_Goods Well-Known Member

    Petal, I hope you are safe. I just read this and I am crying right now for you. You were like the first person to talk to me here, and welcome me, and I see your posts to others and you are an inspiration. I'm sorry that you are going through such a hard time. I almost cut earlier too. Sometimes it feels like it is our only release.

    I know what you mean about being "okay" for so long. Doing so good. I've been there too. I held up really well for almost a year. N I don't know what triggered me either... it just happened. And I said the same thing "what the fuck happened??" Talking to my daughter today on the phone, I realized that each day is a new day. I don't have to be perfect today, and neither do you- we are lucky enough to have the chance to try again tomorrow. My daughter told me.... instead of looking at how many days have been good or bad, try seeing each day as day one. So that way, if we screw up, we can mark it off like it was just a pre-test, see, and we don't have to dwell on it. We get to start over and try it again.

    Hold your head high, Petal. You're not a burden. You hold so many of us here up. Now let us do the same for you. <3
     
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  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Thank you very much robroy, at the end of the day I know it is nothing to be ashamed of, I just got caught up in bad thoughts. Thanks for the offer of support that means a lot to me right now. We BOTH will get through this crisis.
     
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    That is so true. When we are feeling down on ourselves we forget about all the tomorrow's that we will have. You are sweet, yeah I welcome everyone here, I am SF's cheerleader ;) I wish I had a daughter, I miscarried, another sad story that I won' get into now but yeah I'm only 26 and have plenty of time to have children. What is worrying me now is I have to get my cast done again tomorrow and they will probably notice the scars, oh well, at least I have tomorrow, I have that privilege. Thanks for your post of support, it's greatly appreciated. Give your daughter a hug the next time you see her and make sure she knows how much you love her <3
     
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    It really did feel like I was a big burden to my mum today, she kept checking was I okay and have everything, then when I couldn't cope she went out and got pissed drunk (something she very rarely does) and I felt the blame for that. I do feel like a burden -not here (sf) but at home. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to support me, I appreciate it! I'll probably feel fine tomorrow don't worry, I am not at risk of suicide. Hugs!
     
  10. robroy

    robroy Well-Known Member

    Glad to hear back from you Petal, I'm just listening to my favorite album, The Wall, it always comforts me and has helped remind me of some of my close ideals. I hope you have something like that to help you a little. In the mean time try and take care of yourself a little and keep us updated, we're here for you just like you've been here for us:)
     
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  11. Damaged_Goods

    Damaged_Goods Well-Known Member

    And as my daughter says.... "the scars remind me that my past is real....." You are human and you are YOU... nobody else's opinion matters.

    And yes, you are young, and you have plenty of time to have children. I had Chel when I was 20. I got sick when I was 26. But not this bad. N I had never even heard of "cutting" until I caught her doing it when she was 12. It scares the hell out of me that she will end up like me. But shes strong. She cut because she couldnt handle her dad abusing me. Once I left him, she stopped and hasn't cut for 7 years. And yes I will hug her... probably too tight- lol. she saved my life today.

    I wish I had another bracelet like the one she gave me... I would give it to you. It is the serenity prayer, and it helps keep me from cutting. Whenever you think about hurting yourself, think of my daughter. and think of the one you will have some day. And pretend that you have my bracelet on your wrist. Stay strong Petal.
     
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  12. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    I think that you're about the best friend that one could have... And that's that! :)
     
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  13. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Petal, you have remain strong. Yes, you have lapsed but we know know deep down you are strong especially for others here. YOU ARE NOT ALONE BUT HAVE MANY FRIENDS HERE. All I can say....

    Those with true strength are not always going to be seen as perfect, and are not going to win every battle. No one wins every battle. Instead, they are those who refuse to let life make them back down after suffering a defeat.

    The strong are the ones who are brave enough to travel new horizons and to conquer feats that they have set in their heart which no one could ever separate them from.

    The strong know that it may take losing a time or two in order to gain the experience they need to win. But they never let this truth stop them.

    They know that fully becoming who they desire to be means maintaining a commitment to do the small things on a daily basis. It is with the small daily victories that we learn how to become a victor in the major challenges that lie before us.

    Be committed to greatness no matter what comes your way, be strong Petal.
     
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  14. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Awww thank you so much!! :)
     
  15. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Awww thank you so much!! :)
    Thank you so much for your text message, it really did brighten up my day (not just saying that).
    Have just taken my medications and feel much better now. I guess I just had a relapse last night, I felt no one was there for me and in real life there wasn't. My mom got pissed drunk, which she's entitled to of course as she rarely does that. I just needed someone. Thank god for SF. I just walked to the chemist and back on my broken ankle without a crutch now it's killing me, no one would go for me.
    I need to find my own way in this world......im doing okay now, sorry if what i did upset you hun, big hugs :) Thanks for the inspiration =)
     
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  16. ruined123

    ruined123 Member

    I'm really happy you feel better Petal... You are such a sweet and caring person and it breaks my heart seeing you suffering like this. Im grateful for the times we talked and you gave me support, and so many other people here are grateful for you as well. Please never say to yourself you're a burden again, you are the opposite of that, you're a wonderful person. I hope you don't put yourself down because of the self harming, but I also hope you don't do it again because you don't deserve this self inflicted suffering.
     
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  17. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I'm doing very well now, I contacted my mental health nurse and she was so so nice, I feel a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Also contacted another member of my mental health team and for now I think I am over this crisis, thank you ruined123- very sweet and that means a lot to me <3
     
  18. Lynn, you are one of the best person to have as a friend. Many million hugs to Lynn.
     
  19. Zaheer

    Zaheer Account Closed

    you okay ?
     
  20. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Aww thanks hun, you're the best :) Doing so much better today :)
     
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