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Ideas & Opinions What the fuck is wrong with me?

Legate Lanius

Will spend less time online, afk 4 a few months
#1
I need some armchair psychologists to help me out here. I want to know what is wrong with me, no real psychologists have been able to diagnose anything but the usual major depressive disorder nonsense. Of course I am depressed, that's like "diagnosing" blood loss after someone's been shot. I will, of course, not take this as an actual diagnosis so it's meant as a fun sort of game for those that are interested in psychology. So I'll list the relevant psychological stuff and I hope someone has some ideas of what this can be.

Problematic external and internal behaviors:

Behavior 1: Can't stick to a job, education program, exercise plan, diet, sleep regimen, etc. Quitting at everything relatively quickly, prepared to drop everything at a moment's notice. Dropped out of college twice (technically thrice), quit two jobs quickly after beginning.

Behavior 2: Avoiding romantic relationships yet needing them so much that the lack of them causes psychological pain to the point of suicidality. I have rejected a small number of potential romantic partners- that I was madly in love with- for seemingly no reason; and of course I never pursued any such relationships myself. All of this despite these relationships being the thing I have cared about the most in life since early adolescence. I am now 22 and have never had a girlfriend, and have never had sex. This girlfriend-thing is the primary force that is moving me to want to commit suicide.

Behavior 3: Switching world-views and other important mental frameworks very frequently. One day my life is all about surviving, the next day it's all about striving to make money, the third it's all about dying peacefully as soon as possible, the fourth it's about punishing the people who put me on this planet and the fifth it's about getting into physical shape. One day I'm on one political side, the next day I've switched sides and the third I lack an opinion, switched to a different one or something else completely. No values stick, no ideas holds firm, all goals are abandoned.

Big five (well, two actually matter): Extremely low in extroversion, high in neuroticism.

Physical health: Sub-optimal cardiovascular system as the result of a sedentary lifestyle. Healthy BMI, body fat percentage a little too high for a male. Diet has no major deficiencies, blood work shows no signs of deficiencies or hormonal imbalances.

Previous "treatment": Three various SSRIs were administered at different times during the course of around three years. Several therapists were visited. To no avail, obviously. Pills and talking can't touch whatever this is.

Grateful for any guesses that come through here. You're the real MVP.
 

Aurelia

πŸ”ΆπŸ”Έβœ΄ πŸ‘‘ βœ΄πŸ”ΈπŸ”Ά
#2
It sounds like BPD and Avoidant PD to me. Let me ask you a question, why is it that you quit things quickly after you start them? Are you afraid of it losing its appeal? Or has it already lost its appeal at that point? Are you afraid of getting rejected or not being good enough at something?
 

Aurelia

πŸ”ΆπŸ”Έβœ΄ πŸ‘‘ βœ΄πŸ”ΈπŸ”Ά
#3
By the way, I would definitely have to ask more questions to be able to give you a well thought out answer. Personality disorders (which this definitely sounds like) need a lot of info to diagnose. Sometimes, very specific info. It's not as easy as listing your symptoms because a lot of symptoms tend to overlap. So just wanted to make sure you understand that BPD and AvPD were just my initial thoughts based on what you said (and of course, I'll be willing to explain why), but that is also subject to change depending on how you answer my questions.
 

Legate Lanius

Will spend less time online, afk 4 a few months
#4
It sounds like BPD and Avoidant PD to me. Let me ask you a question, why is it that you quit things quickly after you start them? Are you afraid of it losing its appeal? Or has it already lost its appeal at that point? Are you afraid of getting rejected or not being good enough at something?
By the way, I would definitely have to ask more questions to be able to give you a well thought out answer. Personality disorders (which this definitely sounds like) need a lot of info to diagnose. Sometimes, very specific info. It's not as easy as listing your symptoms because a lot of symptoms tend to overlap. So just wanted to make sure you understand that BPD and AvPD were just my initial thoughts based on what you said (and of course, I'll be willing to explain why), but that is also subject to change depending on how you answer my questions.
Yeah, I gotcha. Thx 4 reply!

I'd say I quit since the thing loses it's appeal fast. It's like my mind is completely changed, and I never have much motivation or reason to start a job/education in the first place. Last time I quit my job just a few days back, largely due to my feet not being able to handle it but also because I can't really stand being around normal people for too long. Especially if they start dating each-other and shit. The psychological pain starts building up from day one of seeing what I am incapable of being/having. Friendships, carefree attitudes, feeling pleasure, romantic relationships, etc.

I'd love for you to ask the questions you need, but it's completely okay if there's too much and too complicated to just post on the forum.
 

Aurelia

πŸ”ΆπŸ”Έβœ΄ πŸ‘‘ βœ΄πŸ”ΈπŸ”Ά
#5
Okay, let's start with personal relationships. What is it that makes them difficult to keep/commit to for you? Are you afraid of losing the person? Them rejecting you? Hurting you in some way? Do you have trust issues with most people? Suppose you've met and began speaking with someone who could potentially become a new best friend in the future, what kind of thoughts are going through your mind that makes you decide to run away from it?
 

Legate Lanius

Will spend less time online, afk 4 a few months
#6
Okay, let's start with personal relationships. What is it that makes them difficult to keep/commit to for you? Are you afraid of losing the person? Them rejecting you? Hurting you in some way? Do you have trust issues with most people? Suppose you've met and began speaking with someone who could potentially become a new best friend in the future, what kind of thoughts are going through your mind that makes you decide to run away from it?
I don't have any opportunities to meet people, I avoid from the get-go. It's tough to tell what would happen, I never let anyone become an acquaintance.
 

Legate Lanius

Will spend less time online, afk 4 a few months
#7
Okay, let's start with personal relationships. What is it that makes them difficult to keep/commit to for you? Are you afraid of losing the person? Them rejecting you? Hurting you in some way? Do you have trust issues with most people? Suppose you've met and began speaking with someone who could potentially become a new best friend in the future, what kind of thoughts are going through your mind that makes you decide to run away from it?
I've never liked having anyone all up in my shit, I also flinched like a mfer when someone would touch me during adolescence. Now I don't flinch anymore, but it's sort of symbolic. I would say I'm more aware of possibilities of getting physically harmed by strangers and sometimes even close relatives than most people. I met a guy literally off of the street and bought him some booze, was my latest "fresh and advanced" social interaction about half a year ago or an entire year ago (bad with time), he wanted to hang out and I sort of suffocated the "friendship" in a polite way. I didn't "get anything out of it", that's the exact phrase I used in regards to not spending time with any friends outside of my regional equivalent of high school, too. I don't "get anything out of" hanging out with people.
 

Aurelia

πŸ”ΆπŸ”Έβœ΄ πŸ‘‘ βœ΄πŸ”ΈπŸ”Ά
#9
I've never liked having anyone all up in my shit, I also flinched like a mfer when someone would touch me during adolescence. Now I don't flinch anymore, but it's sort of symbolic. I would say I'm more aware of possibilities of getting physically harmed by strangers and sometimes even close relatives than most people. I met a guy literally off of the street and bought him some booze, was my latest "fresh and advanced" social interaction about half a year ago or an entire year ago (bad with time), he wanted to hang out and I sort of suffocated the "friendship" in a polite way. I didn't "get anything out of it", that's the exact phrase I used in regards to not spending time with any friends outside of my regional equivalent of high school, too. I don't "get anything out of" hanging out with people.
What do you mean you don't get anything out of it? Like, it doesn't bring you happiness or satisfaction, and yet, you still long for these relationships (not necessarily romantic), and want to feel as though you're getting something out of it? I mean, if you long to have them, then you are getting something out of it--the hope of future satisfaction. However, then that hope is crushed? Am I understanding this correctly?
 

Legate Lanius

Will spend less time online, afk 4 a few months
#11
What do you mean you don't get anything out of it? Like, it doesn't bring you happiness or satisfaction, and yet, you still long for these relationships (not necessarily romantic), and want to feel as though you're getting something out of it? I mean, if you long to have them, then you are getting something out of it--the hope of future satisfaction. However, then that hope is crushed? Am I understanding this correctly?
Don't give a shit about friendships, my DNA tells me to get a romantic relationship and then punishes me with emotional pain for not having one since it wants to propagate this garbage genetic profile of mine. I don't get a hit of pleasure from thinking about relationships that I deem nearly impossible to obtain.
 

Aurelia

πŸ”ΆπŸ”Έβœ΄ πŸ‘‘ βœ΄πŸ”ΈπŸ”Ά
#12
Okay so when it comes to friendships, you don't even bother is what you're saying. And romantic relationships, even though you want them, aren't worth the hurt and pain?
 

Aurelia

πŸ”ΆπŸ”Έβœ΄ πŸ‘‘ βœ΄πŸ”ΈπŸ”Ά
#13
I've never been in a romantic relationship. I don't really run away, I just down pursue. And also avoid.
I thought you said you were in a romantic relationship before? Or did I misunderstand that? I could have sworn you said you were in one for a bit and then ran away from it? Or do you just avoid all relationships, period?
 

Legate Lanius

Will spend less time online, afk 4 a few months
#15
I think this is starting to sound a lot more like AvPD than BPD.
Yeah, but I'm missing some key stuff there. I don't have social anxiety and don't care what (real, specific) people think about me. Also don't want friendships at all.
 
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Legate Lanius

Will spend less time online, afk 4 a few months
#16
I thought you said you were in a romantic relationship before? Or did I misunderstand that? I could have sworn you said you were in one for a bit and then ran away from it? Or do you just avoid all relationships, period?
Nah, never had a gf.
 

Legate Lanius

Will spend less time online, afk 4 a few months
#17
Okay so when it comes to friendships, you don't even bother is what you're saying. And romantic relationships, even though you want them, aren't worth the hurt and pain?
I have been completely unable to obtain romantic relationships for four years despite trying to online date.
 

Aurelia

πŸ”ΆπŸ”Έβœ΄ πŸ‘‘ βœ΄πŸ”ΈπŸ”Ά
#18
I have been completely unable to obtain romantic relationships for four years despite trying to online date.
Okay, so you do try when it comes to romantic ones. Why do you think it hasn't worked out thus far? Haven't been able to find anyone on there? Or your fear stops you from pursuing it?
 

Aurelia

πŸ”ΆπŸ”Έβœ΄ πŸ‘‘ βœ΄πŸ”ΈπŸ”Ά
#19
Yeah, but I'm missing some key stuff there. I don't have social anxiety and don't care what (real, specific) people think about me. Also don't want friendships at all.
You don't have to want friendships or have social anxiety. All you need is 5 criteria to match to be diagnosed. Everyone is different.
 

Legate Lanius

Will spend less time online, afk 4 a few months
#20
Okay, so you do try when it comes to romantic ones. Why do you think it hasn't worked out thus far? Haven't been able to find anyone on there? Or your fear stops you from pursuing it?
There are too many males where I live, tens or hundreds of thousands of men are facing life without love and chronic suicidality as a result.
You don't have to want friendships or have social anxiety. All you need is 5 criteria to match to be diagnosed. Everyone is different.
Right. Guess I could have it, what about schizoid? I've always gotten high scores on sczpd tests.
 

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