Been very close to death before, could have dropped dead at any minute doing what I was doing to myself. Gave myself a break from doing it. Decided to get through Christmas. Now I have survived Christmas and I am doing it again, it will lead to death. already I am close and struggling, how long will it take? So why have I given myself a teeny tiny reason to live? Because I don't want to die? But I am doing it because I know that everyone else wants me dead and the world would be better off without me? Probably. It's so fucking confusing.