What the fuck? *triggering*

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Scum, Jan 8, 2007.

  1. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Been very close to death before, could have dropped dead at any minute doing what I was doing to myself.

    Gave myself a break from doing it. Decided to get through Christmas. Now I have survived Christmas and I am doing it again, it will lead to death. already I am close and struggling, how long will it take?

    So why have I given myself a teeny tiny reason to live?

    Because I don't want to die? But I am doing it because I know that everyone else wants me dead and the world would be better off without me? Probably.

    It's so fucking confusing.
  2. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    please hold on.. life is worth too much to just throw away.. and it can get so much better than what you are experiencing today.. please hold on..
  3. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the reply.

    It's not just today, its every day, and every day for the past 15 years. It doesn't ever get any better, I am beyond help (according to the docs, etc), I know that death is the right thing for me, I just am so confused as to why I have found a glimmer of hope. I don't want it. I want to die knowing that I want to die, as opposed to dying because everyone wants me dead, and I know it is best.

    Man its a mess, sorry
  4. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    I dont know what to say.. The way you talk is different to others.. its like.. you know you want to live, but you dont want to want to.. its a blurr, i know whati mean.. Just hold on, because it can get better.. you just eneever know when or how..

    take care _%
  5. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Hmm, that makes me think, just sat here pondering that one.

    I guess right now I am slowly killing myself because I know that others want me dead and are plotting to get me that way.

    I'm just a total mess. I find myself doing all these things that could lead to suicide, and often, at that time, thinking, 'what the fuck am I doing this for?'.

    I'm not in control anymore, I guess.

    But yeah, like I said in chat, thanks for the reply