What. The. Fuck.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by aoeu, May 14, 2009.

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  1. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    About a week ago, the last thing I was looking forward to... fell through. Now, I have no job, few friends, and no education in progress, and it's at least 3 years before I get any sort of degree. I'm living in a shit home, looking for a shit job, and...

    I feel great. I haven't had a panic attack in a week. I can be idle without freaking out. I can remember things without wanting to die.

    I don't get it. I don't know if this is cause for congratulations... I have no idea how this is happening, or how long it will last. I thought I was going to constantly drunk by this point, but I have no inclination to abuse any drug.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Steffan,

    Erm,I'm not sure why you're feeling the way you are but perhaps the depression has eased? Or you've stopped caring :dunno: I'm glad you're feeling good though :hug:
  3. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    I'm wondering if the death of the education was the key factor. There's no stress. No deadlines. I have money to live a year saved up... It would last 4 months if I were in school [and I'd have less time to earn money]. I'm not worried about forgetting anything. I'm not worried about my upcoming interview, I'm not worried about the results of it... I just... I can do whatever the hell I want.
  4. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    Sounds like it was the stress of the education (I know I'm not telling you anything new)! I hope it was and that you'll be able to continue to feel good, like you are.

    As to friends, you can always make new ones and sounds like you're already interviewing. Then, with the job, you can get a better place. Good luck.
  5. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Oh, the interview was for school. That's what fell through.
  6. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    Sometimes striving for something just makes me more depressed also.
    Some of my happiest times is when I was pure and simply just living my life. Breathing air, smelling the roses and living hand to mouth. I didn't have to worry about anything other than making sure I got to my job at 9am, made a few beds, cleaned a few toilets, laughed with the other cleaners at the hotel and went home at 5pm.
    It's one of the last times I remember being - okay.
  7. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    AOEU: Sorry, stuck my foot in it again, but you'll be fine anyway.
  8. Mightbehere

    Mightbehere Well-Known Member

    maybe because what you were aiming for wasnt really healthy for you. why not just play things by how they turn out instead of studying for something that mentally destroys you.
    peace man! :hugtackles:
  9. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Naw, school interviews are unusual... and I didn't clarify it was a school interview.

    Anyhow, minor rant: I attended a judo class last week, it looked fun from what I saw... I suffered a slipped disc about a month ago [from a seizure - outside of anyone's control], and it's started to act up again in the last week. I want to go to the judo class, because I'm concerned my anxiety might keep me from returning ever if I don't go tonight, and my life is terrifically boring, besides, but at the same time I might injure myself badly. :( Nothing's ever simple.

    Edit: Decided not to go. Probably the rational decision. I checked out off-the-shelf back braces instead... as my textbook said, they don't do anything... Turns out they don't even CLAIM to do anything. Going to have to either see an orthotist or suck it up.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 16, 2009
  10. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    ...what if the depression comes back? :( That's probably just a frustrated thought, I don't believe I've felt this good in two years... So it might last.
  11. Jack Rabbit

    Jack Rabbit Well-Known Member

    I get it - can't explain it, but I get it. Don't anticipate depression, this seems like a good time to live in-the-moment.
  12. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    If attending judo class makes you happy then by all means attend.. Just tell your instructor about your back.. He may be able to give you some tips on exercise and stretching that might help..Good Luck!!
  13. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Eh, it's gone. Back into the ennui...
  14. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    hey!, im so glad you are feeling great!

    seriously dont analyse it too much mate, just enjoy it!
  15. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Okay, I seem to have bought a second week out of depression somehow... This gave me the confidence to do something... perhaps a bit too bold: I accused a billion dollar institution of fraud. It's a tuition dispute with my university, and basically they screwed me out of more than $4k.
  16. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Okay, that's all over. Triggers, flashbacks, nightmares... I'm back in hell, and I'm drinking again. Fuck it all.
  17. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    I'm slipping back. Day by day... It's not full swing yet. I can go hours without triggering. But they're slowly returning, one thought after another. I'm lonely again. I'm hopeless again. And I'm starting to care again.
  18. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Aw, and I was so proud of myself for not drinking today. Unfortunately, reality kicked in and so I have to.
  19. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Alternate theory: bipolar. Runs in the family. Possibly explains my massive mood swings as noted in this thread.

    So the depression will be back again and again.

    ...but I kind of like the manic bits. :)
  20. BlondRedHead

    BlondRedHead Well-Known Member

    I know we analyze these things so we know the "cure" for the future. But realistically it was prob stress and you found your breaking point. No joke, I was sick for so long trying to keep my job, trying to pay the mortgage, roomates and all those other worries. Once I was laid off and the house foreclosed my anxiety attacks went away and I could breathe again. Weirded people out!

    I always say, we can't hover in one place for too long and being at the bottom counts too, you have nowhere to go but up :)
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