What the fudge is wrong with me????

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Butterfly, Sep 30, 2016.

  1. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    So as many of you here will know that I spent 11 weeks in hospital for suicidal ideation and severe depression and I was discharged on Tuesday. Prior to being discharged I was on home leave for 2 weekends which went really well. I felt ready to come out and I was doing fine, especially as I am home alone a lot as my partner works and I am off sick. My new CPN came round yesterday to introduce herself and did my hospital follow up. I told her that I felt low at times but it was manageable. Then my mood took a massive nose dive yesterday afternoon and today I have felt horrendous. Funnily enough the suicidal thoughts aren't too bad; they were extremely bad in hospital so this is tame for me. But I feel sad and have zero motivation to do anything. The basics are extremely difficult and I find it really frustrating. In hospital I managed the basics despite being paralysed with suicidal thoughts so I don't know why I'm struggling so much.

    I really resent the fact that I now have to take so many medications; psychiatric and physical health. I hate it. I hate it so much. I already feel like there's not much point in continuing to fight my depression and bipolar because I feel like it's a losing battle. I feel like this isn't happening to me. That it's all a dream and one big mistake. That it's all in my imagination and I'm making it all up. I can't live like this. I just can't.

    I'm sorry for the rant. I just needed to get this out of my system.
     
  2. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hi Lexi, I'm sorry you're going through this after so long in hospital. It could be the change in location, moving back home. The times you were out for a weekend you knew you were going back. Hopefully it'll feel better after a few more days at home. All I can think of is to try and keep busy doing things you like and keep yourself/mind occupied, I usually read or watch documentaries and that helps distract my mind. Take care my friend and hope all gets better real soon
    Brian
     
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  3. calvinandhobbs

    calvinandhobbs Well-Known Member

    I think that's good advice, Brian. Butterfly .. I'm proud of you and think it would he hard at first. Baby steps?
     
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  4. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Thanks for the replies @Brian777 and @calvinandhobbs

    I think it is probably down to the change of environment and coming back into the "real world". In hospital if I felt unsafe then the staff could help keep me safe. Now it's all up to me. That is not a bad thing. Being in hospital has helped me get to the point where I can utilise my coping strategies, whereas before my concentration was shot. I am trying to keep busy and get stuff done but it's just been so difficult as my motivation level is literally zero. I do have plans for next week though. I am going for coffee with a couple of people, I have appointments to go to and I am planning on getting myself out of the house every day for at least 30 minutes. It sounds lame but I am going to go Pokémon hunting to peak my interest to encourage me to go out, lol.

    My mood isn't as low today but my motivation level is still at zero. Lazy Saturday for me!!!
     
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  5. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    It's a difficult change Lexi, from hospital to home and out in world. It may take a little time and the Pokemon game sounds good, I read Bens post about it and may take it up myself, my motivation is zero most days. I'm sure in a few days you'll start to feel the benefit of your healing time. Be patient with yourself :)
    Hugs
    Brian
     
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  6. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    @Brian777 I really hope so. Back to feeling utterly dreadful again tonight :(
     
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  7. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    I'm so sorry Lexi, is your fiancé or parents with you? It may help having those who love you around at this time.
    Sending thoughts of healing no hope
    Brian
     
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  8. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Yes I am with my fiancé. I feel like such a failure and like the past 3 months have been a waste of time because clearly nothing has changed. But I don't know what needs changing so I can fix this. Maybe I'm not supposed to. I don't know. I just want to give up. I haven't got any fight left.
     
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  9. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Lexi, I know you're discouraged, but I'm sure the three months of treatment has helped. Sometimes we feel worse before we feel better, do t give up on yourself. I posted a breathing technique from the HeartMath institute that's helped me, it may be worth a try. Be kind to yourself Lexi, you're a good and caring person NOT a failure.
    Hugs my friend
    Brian
     
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  10. calvinandhobbs

    calvinandhobbs Well-Known Member

    You are not a failure. You are strong and wonderful and admired .
     
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