For the past couple of weeks I've been contemplating suicide once again. Even though I haven't felt very depressed for quite some time the urge is still very strong, and becoming stronger. Since the last time I tried its gets easier and easier to attempt an OD, and I know my insides can't take much more abuse. Its the worst feeling when you wake up from an attempt, and you feel sick to your stomach. You think thats a sign that the end is near, but its very much the opposite and you spend the next couple of hours vomitting uncontrolably. I know that if I keep up this destructive habit, I'm gonna fail out of college. My grades have started reaching an all time low, but I cannot help but continue my self-destructive ways. Everytime I think of suicide I become excited, and wish for it to happen so badly. Being alive I just feel like I am inhabiting a place I do not belong. I've had my fair share of depression. After wadding through hospital to hospital I'm convinced that its just not helpful to me. I can't connect through to anybody socially, and I'm almost convinced that I bring out the worst in people. I can't handle a relationship without things going terrible wrong, and having the person stick an icy dagger through my back. The scars they left behind have been so painful, but eventually those sad feelings subside, and all your left with is emptyness. A large consuming void of emptyness fills me, and just helps convince me that I'm not meant to be here. I have come here to seek refuge from that pain I get everytime I leave to go to class. My chest hurts everytime I walk by people, since my paranoia has gotten out of control. I assume every stare, every whisper is about me, about how much they all wish I'd die. I'm losing it, and very soon I feel I'm gonna cross over the edge again like the last time, and wind up in a hospital. Afterwards they would just release me, and eventually I'd come full circle to where I am now. It gets worse each time through, and I believe its all going to end very soon.