What the heck is wrong with me

[KillerBee]

For the past couple of weeks I've been contemplating suicide once again. Even though I haven't felt very depressed for quite some time the urge is still very strong, and becoming stronger. Since the last time I tried its gets easier and easier to attempt an OD, and I know my insides can't take much more abuse. Its the worst feeling when you wake up from an attempt, and you feel sick to your stomach. You think thats a sign that the end is near, but its very much the opposite and you spend the next couple of hours vomitting uncontrolably. I know that if I keep up this destructive habit, I'm gonna fail out of college. My grades have started reaching an all time low, but I cannot help but continue my self-destructive ways.

Everytime I think of suicide I become excited, and wish for it to happen so badly. Being alive I just feel like I am inhabiting a place I do not belong. I've had my fair share of depression. After wadding through hospital to hospital I'm convinced that its just not helpful to me. I can't connect through to anybody socially, and I'm almost convinced that I bring out the worst in people. I can't handle a relationship without things going terrible wrong, and having the person stick an icy dagger through my back. The scars they left behind have been so painful, but eventually those sad feelings subside, and all your left with is emptyness. A large consuming void of emptyness fills me, and just helps convince me that I'm not meant to be here.

I have come here to seek refuge from that pain I get everytime I leave to go to class. My chest hurts everytime I walk by people, since my paranoia has gotten out of control. I assume every stare, every whisper is about me, about how much they all wish I'd die. I'm losing it, and very soon I feel I'm gonna cross over the edge again like the last time, and wind up in a hospital. Afterwards they would just release me, and eventually I'd come full circle to where I am now. It gets worse each time through, and I believe its all going to end very soon.

 

[Sycotic_Sarah]

Hugs if wanted KillerBee, i feel that they are completely neccersary.
:hug: :hug: :hug:

You are quite alike with me, with the paranoia.. everytime i see someone, i always feel and think they are thinking about me, and wanting me to die, i feel exactly as you do, that every whisper, every stare, every thought when they are around me, is about how much they want me to die, and how much they want to do it themselfs.

It seems alot has become out of control recently, are you on any medication? I think medication would be neccersary for the feelings you are having, and paranoia, but the negatives are you might overdose, by impulse, or by plan.

I can't pretty much do anything physically to help, but people do want to help you, or you wouldn't of wound up in that hospital, people do care about you, and want to help you recover, but i can see quite clearly you feel very much unloved & unwanted. I feel and see that all the time, i'm not sure on your situation, but love life seems quite dead at the moment, but you never know, you are still young, you are still in school right? You have your whole life ahead of you to be thinking about love and what you will do with your life.

This probably isn't helping at all, but i just want to let you know that i do care about you, everyone on suicideforum to me is special and strong, you are very strong and brave for fighting, and making it this far, loads of hugs and love to you, KillerBee.
:hug: :hug: :hug: even a kiss if you want :cheekkiss:

Take care hun, you will get through this,
Sarah.

 

[KillerBee]

Thanks for the kind words Sarah. I'm glad that there is at least a glimmer of kindness that takes the form of something so small like these forums, but its a start and I'm thankful these places are around as an outlet to ease our sorrows. I wish you well, and hope you find the power to overcome the tremendous hurt you feel. It leaves a scar, but its still possible to recover.

 

[Sycotic_Sarah]

This forum, i must say, has changed alot of me, emotionally, its made me happy at many times, but also is helping me hang on, i havent anything to hang on for anymore, that i can admit.

I'm sure you will be very much welcomed and kept at hand on the forum, i guarentee that.

The hurt i feel, is impossible to rid, but i help those who have a chance at recovering and... feeling those feelings which havent been felt in so long. I really wish you well, and i hope that you find your place here, and in the world too, you are still young, you have plenty of time to figure out what you are going to do and become, i have high hopes because you are wonderful, sensative and caring, although ive just met you, i feel it.

Oh, i forgot to say welcome.
* Says it now *
Welcome to the forum, i hope we can support and help you in any shape & form.

Sarah.