What the hell am I doing?

[struggling]

Ive been tying to stay away from SF, I cant help anyone else and feel guilty. Now Im scaring myself. Ive started hiding behind my mask of 'ok' again not admitting that i often want out of this life so badly. I love my family and it keeps me here but not for me, for them. Fed up of feeling this way. Trying to find things to distract me but they're just as destructive in different ways. I think I must have an addictive personality, Im addicted to perfection, to being the best at everything to never failing at anything. Its got so bad that I cant even let myself fail at anything, not even jobs around the house, I want to punish myself for not doing it all. Ive also started gambling in a small way, and am addicted to the feeling that I might win, that I could beat the system. Im feeling out of control, unable to stop and wanting to stop before it gets out of hand. I need adrenaline to survive. I need to push myself harder and harder but fail all the time. Im having almost constant panic attakcs, feeling faint and dizzy but cant tell anyone how bad it is. I cant bear to be with people around but make myself do it for the kids' sake. Im screaming inside to be left alone to curl up and die. Ive no motivation at all, no sleep, no interest in anything except keeping up the pretence.
My life is nothing, worse than nothing. Just like me.
I dont even know if I want help anymore, just to tell someone how much I hurt. I want out.:sad:

 

[Robin]

Hi struggling, it's been a long time since we've chatted, I know I get really busy quite often but you are more than welcome to drop me a pm anytime you are feeling low. I'm not very good with advice but I will say what I have said in another thread and that everything you're doing is a symptom of a disease, it is making you feel this way, it's not something you chose and deserved.