I can not go on like feeling like this. I don't wanna die but I'm not keen on living either. Not like this. Had another PDoc appointment this morning. Crisis team were also there. It was awful. The dr said he wants to see me again next week and go from there. I know there is no magical cure for what ever it is but it is getting deeper and deeper now. I was sat in the hospital bed in tears yesterday as I was feeling so bad. I was told I am going to have a massive scar on my leg and although I am bothered by this I was still thinking when can I next do it. I was told by psych nurse who I have seen a few times that if it carries on then I will have to go in to hospital, yet, I still want to do it. He was going on about honesty and how I need to be honest but I struggle. I know if I want people to help I am going to have to help myself. I have been referred to crisis team also now. But, I don't know what or how I can use them. All the time I want to self harm. It's not like it builds in me and can feel it coming on so how can they be of any help. I am wanting out. I keep looking up ways to make it look like an accident. I can't go on like this. I have to go back to A+E tomorrow for wound check. I think I am going to ask to speak to psych dept again. Tell them that I am thinking about stuff in the wrong way. I am scared if I am too honest then I will end up being on a ward. I can't deal with that. I know it will make it worse. If I was then I would make sure I found a way to end it on there as I couldn't live having other people know I have been there. It is something that will follow me around for the rest of my life. I don't want that. It really wouldn't help me. I told nurseman yesterday my fears about being honest. I said that there was plenty of stuff that I hadn't told him before. I did tell him about "the smell", the voices and also thinking I am seeing things and that it really freaks me out. He said it's normal to have those when you feel like I do. And that it is quite common. It doesn't feel normal to me. How can I tell them how I really feel and be honest when they have the power to lock me up. I just can't do that!