What the hell am I going to do?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GoldenPsych, Jan 24, 2011.

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  1. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I can not go on like feeling like this. I don't wanna die but I'm not keen on living either. Not like this. Had another PDoc appointment this morning. Crisis team were also there. It was awful. The dr said he wants to see me again next week and go from there. I know there is no magical cure for what ever it is but it is getting deeper and deeper now. I was sat in the hospital bed in tears yesterday as I was feeling so bad. I was told I am going to have a massive scar on my leg and although I am bothered by this I was still thinking when can I next do it. I was told by psych nurse who I have seen a few times that if it carries on then I will have to go in to hospital, yet, I still want to do it. He was going on about honesty and how I need to be honest but I struggle. I know if I want people to help I am going to have to help myself.

    I have been referred to crisis team also now. But, I don't know what or how I can use them. All the time I want to self harm. It's not like it builds in me and can feel it coming on so how can they be of any help. I am wanting out.

    I keep looking up ways to make it look like an accident. I can't go on like this. I have to go back to A+E tomorrow for wound check. I think I am going to ask to speak to psych dept again. Tell them that I am thinking about stuff in the wrong way. I am scared if I am too honest then I will end up being on a ward. I can't deal with that. I know it will make it worse. If I was then I would make sure I found a way to end it on there as I couldn't live having other people know I have been there. It is something that will follow me around for the rest of my life. I don't want that. It really wouldn't help me.

    I told nurseman yesterday my fears about being honest. I said that there was plenty of stuff that I hadn't told him before. I did tell him about "the smell", the voices and also thinking I am seeing things and that it really freaks me out. He said it's normal to have those when you feel like I do. And that it is quite common. It doesn't feel normal to me. How can I tell them how I really feel and be honest when they have the power to lock me up. I just can't do that!
  2. Yarrick2k5

    Yarrick2k5 Member

    For starters a doctors job is not to lock you up. So stop worrying about that. Being admitted to a psych ward or something like that is not really bad. They just want to help.

    Second, you're a freak. And so am I and everyone else in this world. Find someone who isn't mentally fucked up and I would be impressed. I've had a hallucination of a mechanical elf dancing at the bottom of my bed in a taunting manner. That was weird. The voices, yep. We all habe that too. I spend my time having mock debates and arguments with myself at like 2am in the morning. It's actually quite helpful for me to talk to myself.

    Tell them everything. Be honest, I bet you they wouldn't be surprised at all. They're doctors, they see all kinds of weird and fucked up stuff. Be grateful that you can actually think and reason, even if to you your mind seems like a mess. Everyones mind is a mess. We all want to think from A to B and make logical sense out of everything and appear sane. The reality is we don't think like that, we think from A to L then to 12 and back to Triangle and then to B. So embrace it I say. Be honest, tell them of all your quaint and unique features of your consciousness.

    Also, being someone who has my own battle to fight, one thing I don't ever do is damage the exterior to my body with intention. Self mutilation in my oppinion is a utter waste of time. If you were serious about suicide you'd already taken that kitchen knife to your jugular or done a Japanese style sepuku. Don't waste yourself with pointless cutting of the flesh. You'd only look back at them with embarassment.

    If you want help, be honest to the people whose job is to help people like you. Those doctors do have many other patients and people to save, don't be making their jobs difficult. I'm not saying this to guilt you, but to just not be a hinderance to them since they have shit to do.


    Turn up the music, dance as our worlds crash and burn around us :)
    Just don't die on us yet, stay the course and watch how your life pans out, no matter how much you hate and dispise it. This is what keeps me going day in and out.
  3. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    So went back to A+E today for checks on wounds. Is very infected. Consultant looked at the stitches which were done by the F2 on the ward and said what the hell, they are crap, they need to come out. I knew he was no good as he was doing them.

    Anyway, it was awful today. The consultant was just rude. Horrible to me. Said I will lose my leg if it continues as will get to stage where is too much scar tissue and they can't stitch. If gets a bad infection they would have to amputate my leg. Nice! I am worried. Of course I am. I know I will SH again. I know I will OD again and I know I will blood let again. Well I already have blood let. I have to go back on Friday to have them checked again. In a way I hope I get blood poisoning and that finishes me off.

    I really can't cope.
  4. Just hang on.. Take care of your wounds and keep them clean.. Talk to us in the forum whenever you are feeling blue.. Take care, :hug: All the best..
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You need to get a healthier way to cope with your pain i t is like any addictive behavior you have to want to stop it I hope you get some help to find ways to heal that inner pain hugs:hugtackles:
  6. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    <Mod Edit: Abacus21 - refers to deleted post> golden, sending you a big hug. sorry today's doctor was low on empathy. are you still seeing the woman from teh self harm network? can you see her more frequently? what about nurseman? was he around? i hope you can call crisis when you pick up the blades. i know you want to cut all the time, me too. but maybe you can tell yourself you'll call when you know you are on the verge of doing it. would that work?
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 25, 2011
  7. Screaminginsilence

    Screaminginsilence Well-Known Member

    Hang in there hun

    I'm in a crappy place at the mo to be giving advice but theres always light at the tunnel one way or another, and i'm sure things will work out for you

    Talking is always a good start :reub:
  8. Yarrick2k5

    Yarrick2k5 Member

    There is an expression such as tough love. And if you're just going to resort to ad hominem then the irony would be that you are the one displaying the narrow mindedness.

    Nothing I said was abuse. None of it was my intention for you to feel abused. You need to learn to not be so hyper sensitive (yes I know that is difficult for some people) and have a persecution complex. The world is harsh. But get some perspective please.
  9. Screaminginsilence

    Screaminginsilence Well-Known Member

    This isn't a forum for tough love, harsh words or judgement

    Its a place people come when they need some love and support

    Think bubble wrap :hamtaro:

    Welcome to the forum, please take on board what people are saying
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