I'm 22 and I've never dated. Never kissed or anything. Obviously I am a virgin and sometimes that really makes me feel bad about myself, even though it is silly to beat myself up over it. I believed for a long time that I had a special girl who would come along in my life at some point. By now I realize that is a load of crap. I'd be lucky to meet a girl who loved me for who I am and in a lot of ways I'm not notorious for being lucky, especially with girls obviously. So I think, if there is nobody out there for me, then let's get practical for a moment, i may as well have sex before i kill myself. But the thing is, the thought of getting a prostitute makes me sick because if I am paying somebody to touch me on purpose, then I am conceding to the ultimate degree that I am a worthless piece of turd who is unable to actually attract a girl like normal people, so I can't figure out if I should kill myself as a virgin or get a prostitute and give up what very little is left of my dignity. Jerks get girls all the time and they don't deserve them. I've read many pieces about it that say that nice, sweet guys (me) are the type that nobody wants, and being an outright jerk will get you more girls than being an excessively sweet guy. Apparently us nice guys are not a challenge to date. I find this interesting because girls don't usually go for outright drug addicts, who would be a real challenge to date. I was raised with extremely low self esteem, it is how my parents taught me to feel about myself, even though that is not how they feel about themselves. So naturally I am submissive and not a decision-maker, and I have been assured that all girls hate that, which I can understand, but can't there be one girl out there who understands the horrible pain i'm in? All she has to do is just understand and i'll do my best, but that seems to be too much to ask. Being assertive and standing up for myself is not in my nature, I can't do it. I always (morbidly, i'm a sick person inside my head) fantasize about grotesquely beating someone to near death and disfiguring their face for life next time they try to mug me, but every time the slightest everyday confrontation happens i back down and give them what they want before i even realize that i have the choice to stick up for myself. It is not until afterwards that I realize i could have held my ground there and been a man. Its not in my nature to be attractive to girls i guess. I am social phobic, when i go out, and do what i have to do and keep to myself. For so long, i wrestled with what to do, kill myself as a virgin or try to get a prostitute, though i admit i'm not sure exactly how to get one because it isnt legal here and i don't live in the city. Still, if there is no emotion and we both know she is only touching me because i'm paying her, is it even worth the trouble. I want love more than sex. But no I'm not good enough apparently. I have to be strong and a jerk and mostly or entirely care just about myself. Wait no, I just have to be myself... Wait no I have to be strong and occasionally sweet. Wait no sweet by default and strong when it calls for it. I don't know how I'm supposed to be but being myself is obviously not good enough, and I'm a piece of junk and I can't be strong as much as I desire to, because on a scale of 0-100, my self esteem is like 5. 22 years of shit all for nothing. I should have offed myself when i was 16 but i was stupid and naive and thought it could get better one day if i just kept hanging on. Six years later i'm nothing but worse. Well i think in a few days I'll have a short opportunity to kill myself and i know what i'll do, it will be painful but it is simple and it works. I've been under such constant extreme stress in the past week that it is actually making me sick. I havent eaten in 2 days, i can't get hungry, and i occasionally feel like i will lose consciousness. I will most likely die as a 22 year old virgin in a few days. I want to know how it feels to be loved but it won't happen. Like I said love is more important to me than sex. I want to know how it feels to be in a loving relationship. Any girl who would love me I would give her all of the love she wants. Sorry that was way long but I'm going to kill myself over this.