What the hell do girls want from me

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by jxl, Aug 18, 2010.

  1. jxl

    jxl Member

    I'm 22 and I've never dated. Never kissed or anything. Obviously I am a virgin and sometimes that really makes me feel bad about myself, even though it is silly to beat myself up over it. I believed for a long time that I had a special girl who would come along in my life at some point. By now I realize that is a load of crap. I'd be lucky to meet a girl who loved me for who I am and in a lot of ways I'm not notorious for being lucky, especially with girls obviously.

    So I think, if there is nobody out there for me, then let's get practical for a moment, i may as well have sex before i kill myself. But the thing is, the thought of getting a prostitute makes me sick because if I am paying somebody to touch me on purpose, then I am conceding to the ultimate degree that I am a worthless piece of turd who is unable to actually attract a girl like normal people, so I can't figure out if I should kill myself as a virgin or get a prostitute and give up what very little is left of my dignity.

    Jerks get girls all the time and they don't deserve them. I've read many pieces about it that say that nice, sweet guys (me) are the type that nobody wants, and being an outright jerk will get you more girls than being an excessively sweet guy. Apparently us nice guys are not a challenge to date. I find this interesting because girls don't usually go for outright drug addicts, who would be a real challenge to date. I was raised with extremely low self esteem, it is how my parents taught me to feel about myself, even though that is not how they feel about themselves. So naturally I am submissive and not a decision-maker, and I have been assured that all girls hate that, which I can understand, but can't there be one girl out there who understands the horrible pain i'm in? All she has to do is just understand and i'll do my best, but that seems to be too much to ask.

    Being assertive and standing up for myself is not in my nature, I can't do it. I always (morbidly, i'm a sick person inside my head) fantasize about grotesquely beating someone to near death and disfiguring their face for life next time they try to mug me, but every time the slightest everyday confrontation happens i back down and give them what they want before i even realize that i have the choice to stick up for myself. It is not until afterwards that I realize i could have held my ground there and been a man.

    Its not in my nature to be attractive to girls i guess. I am social phobic, when i go out, and do what i have to do and keep to myself.

    For so long, i wrestled with what to do, kill myself as a virgin or try to get a prostitute, though i admit i'm not sure exactly how to get one because it isnt legal here and i don't live in the city. Still, if there is no emotion and we both know she is only touching me because i'm paying her, is it even worth the trouble. I want love more than sex.

    But no I'm not good enough apparently. I have to be strong and a jerk and mostly or entirely care just about myself. Wait no, I just have to be myself... Wait no I have to be strong and occasionally sweet. Wait no sweet by default and strong when it calls for it. I don't know how I'm supposed to be but being myself is obviously not good enough, and I'm a piece of junk and I can't be strong as much as I desire to, because on a scale of 0-100, my self esteem is like 5.

    22 years of shit all for nothing. I should have offed myself when i was 16 but i was stupid and naive and thought it could get better one day if i just kept hanging on. Six years later i'm nothing but worse. Well i think in a few days I'll have a short opportunity to kill myself and i know what i'll do, it will be painful but it is simple and it works.

    I've been under such constant extreme stress in the past week that it is actually making me sick. I havent eaten in 2 days, i can't get hungry, and i occasionally feel like i will lose consciousness. I will most likely die as a 22 year old virgin in a few days. I want to know how it feels to be loved but it won't happen. Like I said love is more important to me than sex. I want to know how it feels to be in a loving relationship. Any girl who would love me I would give her all of the love she wants.

    Sorry that was way long but I'm going to kill myself over this.
  2. Krem

    Krem Well-Known Member

    Why do you care about girls? As you posted, you know how irrational they are. What does it matter if you orgasm with someone else?

    You said you wanted love. Girls, who are the ones who fall for the "bad guys", are not capable of actual love. They're controled by hormones, media, and society, that they think they love whom they do, but they don't. Once you try to find women, who can actually be respected, who have matured out of the obsession girls have, you'll find that they'll actually want someone sweet, caring, who'll be supportive and make a good father+husband. They're not after irrisponsible jerks once they're actually making real decisions, instead of emotionally-charged desires.

    I'm not basing this on TV stereotypes. I'm basing this on the people whom I've "met", studies I've read, other people's experiences, and more small stuff.

    Love is not "omg i wanna have sex with u", it's far more complex than that. Although it sucks that people like us don't get to experience it until both partners are running out of physical charm, both would be mature enough to not build a relationship on looks.

    Until then, try and keep yourself distracted. Get a stable, well-paying job if you can. By the times girls stop being girls, and become women, you'll have a headstart over those who didn't, and will thusly be presented as a better life-partner.

    The world isn't perfect. Far from it, it actually sucks a great deal. Some deal with it, and make the best of it. Some of us don't. Either way, having your options laid out, and having as many facts brought forth, make the decision better, which one it'll be.
  3. jxl

    jxl Member

    Thank you for reading and giving me your insight. Just so you know, I do have a stable and pretty well-paying job, and I've even been starting my own business. Also at no point did I imply that love is "omg i wanna have sex with u", at least i didn't mean to.

  4. Krem

    Krem Well-Known Member

    Pre-emptive protection from someone stating that they do "actually love, like totally". :)
  5. jxl

    jxl Member

    What is that supposed to mean? I actually don't understand.

    Are you saying having a job and soon my own business is protection from shallow valley girls? Or are you mocking me somehow?
  6. ASkylitDrive

    ASkylitDrive Well-Known Member

    I do have to say not all girls are shallow, or as irritable as people are saying here

    As for the falling for bad guys. Yes it has happened in my case. What you don't understand is most of the time girls don't KNOW they are jerks. Those kind of guys put on a sweet front and the moment they get what they want they show their true colors.

    I'm sure it is upsetting being a virgin and new to love at 22, and you seem bent on suicide being your future. Don't let it. It took my father until he was 45 to find the love he was looking for, but it happened. And it happened when he wasn't even looking for it.

    Anti social may be part of the problem. Not because people are avoiding you, but because you don't make yourself noticeable. Maybe in your work place try to make some friends? Ask people for coffee... ect.
  7. Krem

    Krem Well-Known Member

    I said that love is not blahblahblah. You said that you knew that. So I then explained that I was saying that saying that love is not blahblahblah, was the pre-emptive protection.

    And, to the SkylitDrive, I said irrational, not irritable. Although they are irritable partly because of the irrationality, or at the very least have the same cause.

    And, although it tends to happen that some pretend, it's not even often compared to when it's obvious. Often you overlook it, justify it, and then later question how you could 'fall for such an ass'. Do you think Twilight is popular because its well written or has deep meaning? Every person who objectively reviewed the book, and, more importantly, the relationship between the two main characters, told that's it's an unhealthy relationship etc., and most confirmed that he was a "bad boy". Same goes for the numerous kinds of entertainers idolised as sex objects, and why the masculine, the athletic, and the 'powerful' get more girls who "love" them, compared to the nice guys.

    But I'm repeating myself, and stating what's obvious-but-ignored.

    And, yes, there are girls out there who're not as shallow. There are a few who look like they're not, but are. The actual girls whom he'd enjoy being with, whom he might a loving relationship out of, are so rare that bringing them up is just cruel, bring up hope where there is realisticly none. Same as saying "If you buy a lottery ticket, you might win.", except more meaningful.
  8. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    jxl, I can completely understand why this is getting you so down, and I'm not sure how to help you feel better about this without spouting a load of cliches. But the thing is that the right person is out there, and you should never give up hope of finding them (and there's the cliche! But it's true).

    Krem definitely has it right here:
    You're only 22, and although you're unexperienced, a) this is actually a good thing because it means you can be molded into the perfect partner (strange but true) and b) girls your age are often the irrational, sometimes shallow girls that Krem spoke of. You seem to be quite mature for your age, which also bodes well for you.

    I think that the only thing stopping you from finding a partner, and yes, love, is your low self-esteem and social phobia. Even if you are out somewhere and a girl would like to talk to you, she won't know how to approach you because your body language will be warning her off. I have a couple of female friends like this (one of whom is 31 and in the same position as you, so you're not alone and it can happen to women too!), and I watch them when we're out and can see why men won't approach them.

    Have you spoken to anyone about your self-esteem and anxieties? I really feel that if you had some therapy of something to help you deal with this, you would feel a lot better about all of this. It's worth a shot, right?

    You sound as though you actually have a lot going for you, being a self-confessed good guy, and with your own business and all that - there's absolutely no reason why you can't make a very happy and comfortable life with someone. I'm not trying to give you false hope or anything, it's just the way I see it. Please don't kill yourself over this, it would be a terrible waste.

  9. lifelover

    lifelover Well-Known Member

    I´m 20 years old. Virgin. Never had a girlfriend. Kissed and dated first time at 19 years old. And it began with a smile from me and a return from her.

    Not enough for suicide in my opinion. I just am myself, do what i like and keep on...and on...; sure feels good dreaming about my "second face" but be myself and carry on the best i can feels good to me.

    For me, time barely counts. I eat shit and smile, like a hyena. Yeah a lot of shit

    Ok, keep on!

    (sorry i suck so much at english, i would like to say alot more :))
  10. mcviking

    mcviking Well-Known Member

    Just so you know I wouldn't recommend doing the whole hooker thing. Been there done that more times then I even want to think about it and it leaves you more hollow then when you were alone. Just work out alone.
  11. mcviking

    mcviking Well-Known Member

    Also, I would say that a good 80% of the male side of this site would be classified as nice guys. Here's the thing man , and this is coming from experience, its attitude. I also know what it feels like to be so hopelessly alone and desperate. The feeling of just wanting to hold someone and know that someone cares about you. The deep throbbing pain when you see asshole after asshole manipulate girls and you just want to tell them I would give you the world.

    Forget all the hype. Forget all the pick up artist bullshit. What its really all about is a numbers game. You need to get out there as much as possible. You need to talk to to girls. You will get shot down. You will get hurt. But the woman of your dreams doesn't fall out of the sky.

    I felt the same way when I was younger and still do to some extent. What you need is a release. Something to devote your time to. Something that's constructive. I really recommend exercise. Exercise will make you more confident around women. Or music. Pick up a guitar or a piano. Whatever you do that keeps you entirely focused on the task at hand is the best thing.

    Going back towards attitude, nice guys finish last because they don't care or love themselves. I know you have probably heard that 1000 times. Its true. Believe me. Women get smell desperation and loneliness like a blood hound can smell a corpse. Force your self to be positive. Force yourself to try.

    You won't see results right away but its the step in the right direction. You need to build confidence in yourself. This is what attracts women; no matter how you look, how much you weigh, or how inadequate you feel. You can only learn these things through trial and error. IF you see a pretty girl at a bar or a coffee shop walk up to her smile and talk. Talk for five minutes. At the end ask her if she would like to go get some coffee or something sometime.
    Get involved in your interests. Finding a girl that shares the same interests is key to finding a good one.

    Don't make the same mistakes I did. Just because a girl is willing to sleep with you doesn't mean she is the one. Don't mold yourself to cater to her every need. Cause then she isn't falling in love with you, she's falling for something you aren't. She will leave you if you do that. Don't let desperation get the best of you. That's why the most important thing of what I am saying is getting involved in something that you excel at, that will boost your confidence and you success with women.
  12. Krem

    Krem Well-Known Member

    Mcviking, you're giving advice on how to have sex with girls. He said he's after love. If he was after "picking up girls", he could just as well buy a *****. He's not going to go to a bar, party, or other places which involve alcohol and casual sex, to find a long, lasting, loving relationship. He, as far as I can see, is smarter than that. (Although WHERE he would go I'm at loss. But just because I don't know where, doesn't mean I don't know where it's not. Similar to if you lose your keys, don't know where they're at, you know they're not in the oven.)

    (And it's a mixture of confidence, and taking their control. They get control back via sex, or so they believe. If they believe they don't have free access to you, they'll try to. It's not complicated. It is, however, shallow, worthless, and more effort than it's worth. Better off masturbating.)
  13. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Try internet dating. That's how I managed to finally find someone.

    Um... And I guess what they need (not want) from you is to a) know you exist and b) know you're interested. You have no chance of getting a date without both of those, for obvious reasons. Being shy sucks but it can be fixed.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 18, 2010
  14. Decode

    Decode Well-Known Member

    I have social anxiety so i know what it feels like just to go out and get on with what you got to do and keep to yourself. I'd say its probably not girls not going for a nice guy and avoiding you, its probably you avoiding them. You will just not meet nice girls like that. You need to be out and about and have confidence. If you have not gone down the doctors route yet i would definitely do that, get on some anxiety meds. If you've got mates start trying to go out with them more, socialize with the intent to have fun, not to look for a girl, that will come. Confidence won't come over night, i would recommend martial arts or some type of clubs social stuff that will help you build a base for you to meet new people, girls. Plus be yourself.

    As far as the prostitutes go life's to short do what ever you want but it sounds like it will just make you feel worse.

    Suicide i think be a mistake for to do something that serious without trying every option first.

    I hope things work out for you.
  15. mcviking

    mcviking Well-Known Member

    No I wasn't I was giving advice on how to be more social with girls and to build confidence with a positive activity. I didn't mention sex once. There is no guide to finding the love of your life. That isn't easy. But meeting a girl and talking to her (WHO COULD be the one you want) isn't as hard as many guys think. Everyone has to meet their special someone somewhere right? I simply gave him some advice if he sees someone he is attracted to.
  16. jxl

    jxl Member

    I didn't mean to generalize girls, I might have done that unintentionally, sorry.

    I guess if I simply had confidence then I could act sweet like I am naturally anyway, i'd be attractive. I put on a shy, miserable front which is what is killing me i guess, that is what everyone here seems to be telling me.

    Thank you everybody for reading and responding, and putting up with me, I truly appreciate the time and effort!
  17. Things

    Things Well-Known Member

    "Jerks get girls all the time and they don't deserve them. I've read many pieces about it that say that nice, sweet guys (me) are the type that nobody wants, and being an outright jerk will get you more girls than being an excessively sweet guy. Apparently us nice guys are not a challenge to date. I find this interesting because girls don't usually go for outright drug addicts, who would be a real challenge to date. "

    That's bogus. People who say that are generally assholes who pretend to be nice and act like they're entitled to what ever or who ever they want. And if no one falls for it, they blame every one else and make up excuses ("Women don't want me because they're *****s, and any man who can get a date is just a jerk!"). The reason I say people, is because women act like this too.

    "Jerks" (how do you know they're jerks?), if by that, you mean abusive men, get women because those women are not mentally healthy. I don't mean this in a mean, judging way (I'm in no position to hold that opinion), but users are easily attracted to people they can use.

    There's a lot more I need to say, but I really can't find the words. Plus, I don't think I can explain it in a way that makes sense.

    This site can explain it a lot better than me: http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/niceguys/ng.shtml

    I hope this helps you understand what I'm trying to convey.

    Edit: I don't mean to insult you of course, I'm just talking about the kind of people who are like this.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 19, 2010
  18. Frequency

    Frequency Member

    Good. That will make it easier to get in a relationship with a single mother later on.

    Not trying to be a dick here, just calling it as I see it. (I'm pretty sure that's what's in the cards for me as well in x years, you see.)
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 19, 2010
  19. jxl

    jxl Member

  20. jxl

    jxl Member

    I really don't understand how you could not be meaning to insult me, regardless of your disclaimer. Okay I get it, its me who is the jerk, got ya. Are you not merciful for pointing that out to me. Yes you're absolutely right, I do feel entitled to whoever and whatever I want, after all my self esteem is really super duper high and that's why i'm on this board in the first place. That's why I am completely unable to work up the guts to approach a girl, because I feel entitled to whoever i want. Clearly you are really, really smart.

    If someone can close the thread then just do it please, it ran its course and thanks everyone for reading and responding.