I can't stop taking paracetamol etc. It brings me so much more relief than self harm. I am taking more than I should on a daily basis. I just can't stop The last few weeks has shown me that the recovery that I thought I was making is nothing but laughable. I have always suffered from flashbacks of my childhood. I collapse, I shake, I scream, I cry, I smash my head against the wall and I curl up in the foetal position begging for the world to swallow me up. They can last from just a few minutes to half an hour and it can take me hours to recover from each one. Sometimes the stress from one induces another. I get several daily but it was okay; I was used to this. Now I am having similar episodes but I can’t call them flashbacks because what they depict has never happened to me. Today I came out of one of these episodes where I had been screaming because all of my teeth had fallen out. I came out of it and spat blood in to my hands - I had scratched my gums to pieces during the episode. Yesterday there was a six year old inside of me, pummeling my insides, desperate to escape so that she could be held and comforted. I was so sure that it was real that I wanted to go to hospital to have an x-ray. I soon realised that it was just another episode. There is only one person in the world that I feel close enough to and trust enough to tell these things. She is one of the members of my local crisis team and worked with me for a year, holding my hand and cradling me as I collapsed in the woods having flashbacks and sitting through my mental health act assessments with me. I’m not with the crisis team anymore so I can’t talk to her. I have a CPN but because I was always in and out of crisis I haven’t had many sessions with her and I don’t trust her enough yet. I feel so alone and unable to cope. I don’t know what to do. I really can’t go on like this.