What the hell do I do? I am afraid.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by AMonotoneMind, Aug 31, 2011.

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  1. AMonotoneMind

    AMonotoneMind Member

    I can't stop taking paracetamol etc. It brings me so much more relief than self harm. I am taking more than I should on a daily basis. I just can't stop :(

    The last few weeks has shown me that the recovery that I thought I was making is nothing but laughable. I have always suffered from flashbacks of my childhood. I collapse, I shake, I scream, I cry, I smash my head against the wall and I curl up in the foetal position begging for the world to swallow me up. They can last from just a few minutes to half an hour and it can take me hours to recover from each one. Sometimes the stress from one induces another. I get several daily but it was okay; I was used to this.

    Now I am having similar episodes but I can’t call them flashbacks because what they depict has never happened to me. Today I came out of one of these episodes where I had been screaming because all of my teeth had fallen out. I came out of it and spat blood in to my hands - I had scratched my gums to pieces during the episode. Yesterday there was a six year old inside of me, pummeling my insides, desperate to escape so that she could be held and comforted. I was so sure that it was real that I wanted to go to hospital to have an x-ray. I soon realised that it was just another episode.

    There is only one person in the world that I feel close enough to and trust enough to tell these things. She is one of the members of my local crisis team and worked with me for a year, holding my hand and cradling me as I collapsed in the woods having flashbacks and sitting through my mental health act assessments with me. I’m not with the crisis team anymore so I can’t talk to her. I have a CPN but because I was always in and out of crisis I haven’t had many sessions with her and I don’t trust her enough yet. I feel so alone and unable to cope.

    I don’t know what to do. I really can’t go on like this.
     
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Greetings, and welcome! :welcome:

    Like I say sometimes, I wish I could relate more to what you're going through. Unfortunately, I'll have to settle for sending hugs your way. :hug:

    Wishing you the best,

    Mr. A
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You need to call hospital when you are so unstable like that you need to get help now Therapy to undue all the harm to integrate all those personalities Leaving it won't help hun it will only get more unstable call your doctor get a hold of him or her and get on some proper medication to treat the flashbacks like seriqual or resperidone get the professional help you need to heal
     
  4. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    Hi

    Welcome to the forum but I'm so sorry to hear of these things that are happening to you.. it sounds very scary indeed and it's understandable that you're feeling afraid. I hear that you don't know your CPN well enough yet to talk to her about this but i wonder if you could open up to her a little more.. maybe even write her an email if you're not able to do it in person. Do you have an appointment set up to her in the near future?

    I'm concerned about these flashbacks you're having.. it sounds terrifying and i wonder if they're anxiety-based or something. I really don't know.. and on top of that you're taking paracetamol daily too :( I hear that it brings more relief than self harm but the internal damage they could be doing could be massive.. does your CPN know about the self harm/ODs?

    I do hope you're able to get some help and support for all the things going on for you right now.. i'm glad you found this forum and hope it helps to write some of it here.

    Jenny
     
  5. AMonotoneMind

    AMonotoneMind Member

    I can't talk to her. I really tried to today but she just doesn't understand. When I had a flashback in front of her all she could say was 'you need to snap out of it' which considering I can't hear her until I am almost out of it seems a little pointless. She knows about the cutting/burning etc and my GP checks my arms every week but she doesn't know about the ODs as I dont want to tell her as I am scared of being sectioned under the mental health act again. I spoke a little bit to my GP today and she was really worried but because it was after 5 she couldnt get hold of my psychiatrist or CPN and I have burnt all my bridges with the local crisis team. My CPN and Psych wont be back on duty until monday and I dont know if I can hang on that long. I really am trying my best and I know that I just sound weak and pathetic but I am struggling so much. I haven't left my house apart from to go to the doctors in three weeks... I can't handle it :(
     
  6. kaykay1126

    kaykay1126 Member

    I don't know anything about what you are going through, so I cannot offer much help. I just want to say that I am sorry this happens to you. My wish for you is that you had at least one person who you could have around to help you through. Sometimes it helps to just not be alone. We are hear if you need to talk.
     
  7. kaykay1126

    kaykay1126 Member

    And by "hear", I mean "here."... Oops.
     
  8. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    These flashbacks sound extremely scary and I just want to give you a big :hug: It takes a lot of trust to tell the mental health workers what is extremely close to us so I can understand why you don't trust your CPN too much yet. Tell your CPN a little bit, see what happens. Tell them in your own time. Don't be too worried about telling your CPN/GP/PSych that you often OD as a form of SH. It is usually my chosen method of SH. I haven't been threatened with a MHA or even hospital. They will just ask you why that choice to SH as they would any method.
     
  9. AMonotoneMind

    AMonotoneMind Member

    Unfortunately I was put on a 136 last week and then had an MHA and they said that they wanted to section me but my family said that they would take responsibility for me. Unfortunately with that they made me promise not to OD or I would get put straight back in... I took 50 today and I think nothing of it but they go mad :L
     
  10. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    50 is a lot of P* to OD on. You will cause your liver so much damage. And liver problems are extremely painful. Trust me I have seen it. If you explain the OD isn't to actually kill yourself, but to SH they might see it slightly differently, but 50 at a time I can understand their concern. Don't push these people away, it is very cliche but they DO want to help you get better. I have come to a point where I just think what the heck, to hell with it, what will be will be, if they section me then I just don't care anymore. But that is just me. I really hope you do work something out though hun.
     
  11. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi AMonotoneMind I too am sorry this is happening to you. Are you ODing because you want to be out of pain? I too worry about liver damage. I can understand self medicating to be out of extreme pain. But really the pain and physical limitations that can case can make matters much worse, I am sorry to say.

    from what you are saying, the people who are supposed to heap are not really understaning whats going on with you. I wish there was a counseller who understood the depth and nature of your pain.

    Sometimes, before we can get the right dx and then help, life is absolutly unbarable and frightining. But just know that there is good help out there. Even if you have not yet found it. I wish for you, that you will be led to really good help very soon. Because whats happening now sounds very frightining and painful. :hugtackles::hugtackles::hug: :arms: for you. Oh yes, and welcome. I am very glad you are reaching out ! :goodjob:
     
  12. AMonotoneMind

    AMonotoneMind Member

    It is a fair amount but not as bad as my specific past suicide attempts. I know, my liver is already fucked :( I wish that I could take that view on being sectioned but I just can't. I hate it there :( Thanks for you advice etc. Means alot that somebody actually cares...
    __________________
     
  13. AMonotoneMind

    AMonotoneMind Member

    Hi Flowers,
    I don't know why I am doing it. It brings me relief like cutting does, and I like the possibility that I could be dying. That sounds ridiculous but it is comforting. There is one psych nurse that understands but I cant see her anymore :( and nobody else gets it :( Thank you -- <3 You put a small smile on my face today xxx
     
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