What the hell is wrong with me?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by delargeal, May 11, 2008.

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  1. delargeal

    delargeal Well-Known Member

    I was diagnosed with depression around 18 months ago. I was put on prozac but suffered a bad allergic reaction to it (or so we believe it was, I was tested for streptococcus as my psychiatrist had never seen a reaction to prozac like that but it came back negative and my symptoms had disappeared within a few days of stopping prozac).

    I have had a few therapy sessions, but I missed a few appointments due to college work. For a time I felt normal and stopped going. Eventually I was removed from the books.

    The normality stopped after a few months and I have slowly drifted back to the point I'm at now.

    I have episodes where I become hypomanic and also mixed states and so believe I actually suffer from Bipolar.

    The hypomania is annoying because my mood can change so rapidly I can have all these ideas and be so dedicated to them but then suddenly move onto something different.

    The mixed states are annoying because I tend to be depressed but have energy and become agitated and capable of almost anything (I have scars healing on my arm).

    I have not been back to the psychiatrist. I don't know why. Maybe I'm afraid, I just dunno. Or perhaps I have too much pride to go begging back.

    I'm worse than I was 18 months ago. Although I planned to kill myself and wanted to self harm, I had never done it. I always had the strength to resist, but not anymore.

    I am at the point where I can see no future. I have no one to talk to (although I do have friends) and death just seems the easy way out of this, even though I know it isn't.

    I'm just tired of it all.
  2. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    Hi..This probably doesnt mean much but you can talk to me if you want.. Im on msn and yahoo messenger..Also Im only a pm or email away.. So if you feel the need to tell someone how you feel and want it to be someone whos been there, Im around..
  3. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    It may be time to find a different doctor. If Prozac doesn't work, you should be given a different med to try. There doesn't seem to be a test that can tell you what anti-depressant will work for you, except by trial and error. And bipolar has even more meds to try. It took me 4 or 5 tries before I found one that helped me, and each one you try you have to give six weeks to know if it's going to work. This is a real test for one's patience.

    Don't give up on your doctor or on medications. Keep tring until you find the right one for you.
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Iagree it took me 3years to finally find a combination that works. They have to keep making adjustments to keep stable. As far as meds try effexor it works for alot of people. Good luck, Stranger
  5. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    I have been on medications for mental problems for 9 years..Still havent found one that does the trick..
  6. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    there's nothing wrong with going back for some more help, nothing wrong at all. i had a bit of a relapse myself, last week, and had to go see my doc and then to the ER. i was embarassed because i had been doing well, and at the last two psych appointments i just breezed in and told 'em i was doing fine (which i was) - i guess i thought they would think i was being a bit melodramatic by showing up.

    would you go back to the same psych or look for someone new? in the meantime, can you use the health services at school? because you have asked for help before, then you know what to expect. be sure to tell them about the suicidal thoughts. i'm sure, despite you missing a few sessions and ending counselling, that they'd want to help you again in this difficult time.
  7. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Why be embarrassed? You're not "begging" at all. These people are PAID to help you. Sure, they hope you will improve and move on, but if you don't, they are still making money. They got into this line of work because they like to help people and they want to make money doing what they love, so it's not going to horrify them if you need to come back. It may even teach THEM something about how to help deal with their other patients. It's a win-win. Go back. It helped you once and you seem very treatable IMO.
  8. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

  9. delargeal

    delargeal Well-Known Member

    Today was a rough day. I had people in my group, who have frozen me out before, doing so again a week before our final assignment is in. I asked one of them to look at his work so I could see what needs doing and he refused to show it me, claiming that I had to do my own work when a large portion of his was copied from another group member. Said copied sheets were apparently what the entire group was using yet he would neither provide with a copy or let me copy it up.

    Even worse today was that the feelings became stronger. It's like I can feel Death, I can see him when I look in the mirror. I can even talk to him and even when I don't he's still there.

    I decided that no matter how bad it gets, he won't get the satisfaction, even though he knows he's already close to his prize.
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