what the hell is wrong with me?

man... i tried to distract myself watching sex drive. ive always wanted to see it, and i got excited when i found a version that actually worked.

and now im sitting here depressed and pissed as anything... watching this thing makes me feel so pathetic. the main character has feelings for his best friend, and she reminds me SO much of my best friend.. well, i guess my old best friend not. we havent talked in days cause i completely fucked our relationship up. ive had feelings for this girl ever since i can remember, she said she would never leave me, that anything i do to her wouldnt ruin our relationship. and now fucking look at me, im sitting here getting ready to cut myself deeper than i have before. i screwed this shit up, nobody else. she did nothing but try to help me and i COMPLETELY blew her off. i said unforgivable things, i broke a promise to her.. i told her i never would do that again. i told myself i would never do it again.. sometimes i wish i had the balls to end it all.

/trigger

edit: should clear it up... shes with my friend from 9th grade. i introduced the two, he does nothing but hurt her now and i feel like its MY fault. shes always been there for me, she told me to write my name where i want to cut myself. i fucking disgraced her name, what the hell is wrong with me..? somebody kill me.. PLEASE

 

There's nothing wrong with you.

You're human, and humans make mistakes.

 

ive made too many.. i hurt her over and over and over, ive never done anything to deserve her. i ONLY hurt her, i dont know why she has ever even talked to me.

when will these people leave?! i cant do it while there in the house, i cant. if they walk in on me ill be F'd in the A.

this is pathetic.. IM pathetic.

 

i cut myself.. i burned myself.. i punched my desk hard as i could. why dont i feel better? i hate myself. i wish i could ask for help, i wish it was still a month ago when i had some urge and some moral decensy to ask for help. now.. i just dont know. nothing can help me.

ive got an entire month in maine coming up.. i cant do this to myself. something has to happen, fucking something. if nothing does.. its over.