What The Hell Is Wrong With Me

[Julia-C]

My mom died the 14th of April 2011. I only spent about one hour with my mom in the past 17 years. I went 17 years without calling her on the phone. I let 17 years pass by without telling her happy mother's day. For all accounts I stopped loving my mom 19 years ago. So why am I crying now wishing I had my mom?

Am I going crazy? Why am I suddenly missing someone who didn't love me?

 

[MLKane]

You're not going crazy, even if your mother didn't love you she did still give birth to you. somewhere down there, deep in the bits of the brain that evolved before we became intelligent that means a lot. that part of you that instinctively wants to protect members of your genetic group, family, clan, whichever, that part of you knows that the loss of a member of that group is not good, and so it makes you sad. it's all instincts, just like when there is a bang in your house at night, you know it's the boiler playing up or something, but the lizard part of your brain doesn't it just hears "THREAT" and puts you on alert.

 

[Terry]

There's also the "what might have been" feeling at play here.
Whenever someone dies we are left with "should have done more, seen them more often" etc.
With an estrangement it becomes even more complex.
The whole, "I'll sort it out later, I have time" is taken away from you.
Now you can not make her love her (if she really didn't love you) or you love her.
You are probably mourning lost opportunity as much as anything.

 

[Julia-C]

You're not going crazy, even if your mother didn't love you she did still give birth to you. somewhere down there, deep in the bits of the brain that evolved before we became intelligent that means a lot. that part of you that instinctively wants to protect members of your genetic group, family, clan, whichever, that part of you knows that the loss of a member of that group is not good, and so it makes you sad. it's all instincts, just like when there is a bang in your house at night, you know it's the boiler playing up or something, but the lizard part of your brain doesn't it just hears "THREAT" and puts you on alert.

Thanks for your feedback.

There's also the "what might have been" feeling at play here.
Whenever someone dies we are left with "should have done more, seen them more often" etc.
With an estrangement it becomes even more complex.
The whole, "I'll sort it out later, I have time" is taken away from you.
Now you can not make her love her (if she really didn't love you) or you love her.
You are probably mourning lost opportunity as much as anything.

I think you hit the nail on the head. I think I am missing who I wanted her to be. I doubt I will ever miss who she was. Thanks you too for your feedback.