What The Hell Mom?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Purple_Thorn, Dec 30, 2015.

  1. Purple_Thorn

    Purple_Thorn Well-Known Member

    So you decide to take the one day out of my week between therapies and turn it into the do all day? Let's have Purple_Thorn go to the dentist, the doctor, and then a family party! What were you thinking when you decided to do this to me?
    Actually, I know. You weren't thinking about my severe anxiety because you made these decisions when I was in the hospital and you didn't know I was this bad.
    I'm really only ready for one thing a day. It's exhausting, it's anxiety creating, and at the end of the day I'm just so done that I'm thinking suicide again. Because why not end it all when every single damn day is the same painful shit?
    And the family party... God. Only a handful of people know the truth about what I am going through. The rest of them? I don't even know? Will they understand when I leave after 20 minutes because I can't breath, want to cry, etc. You know, a panic/anxiety attack? They probably won't. Then they'll ask questions and you won't tell the truth. You'll skirt around it.
    I wish you could tell the truth about everything. Say that I was in the hospital, that I have severe clinical depression, severe anxiety, and am just trying to survive. You don't have to tell people about being suicidal or the cutting.
    But mom, what the hell? Why are you doing this to me?

    Why am I blaming you for this when it's really just that my brain is sick and making me feel this way. I'm just choosing you to blame.

    I'm a terrible daughter.

    And a terrible sister. I think that I don't like my sister. At all. I don't know if I hold any familial love for her at all.
    Damn I'm messed up.
  2. OnceRob

    OnceRob Active Member

    Sounds awful, but on the positive side it seems like your family does kind of care for you even if it seems a little damaging. I know a guy who has spent his life on his own, never had anyone there for him, no friends or family, teachers did not even care if he was there or not, when he was 22 was homeless and his own father did not want him moving back in , he would rather seen him on the streets. Looking at your other posts its like your parents are aware of your difficulties but refuse to or are unsure how to accept them. Could that be because of their LDS influences maybe? Its so easy to forget that parents are just like us.
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, wow what a long day. I understand your feelings and what you are going through. You have every reason to be angry and it's a good sign that you are venting here. You are right that your mum is trying to sweep what happened to you under the carpet. Perhaps, she trying to help you with the family party to help you to rehabilitate back into the world.

    Go to the dentist, doctors and attend the party. If you feel down at the party, then use the excuse that you are not feeling well and need to go to bed. Take you music and headphones with you as that will distract you. Observe the people and look at the chitchat happening. You must remember that people can smile all day but keep what feelings deep down hidden.

    Keep posting here as it will help you with your recovery and take care.