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What to do? Advice please.

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Null, Dec 13, 2011.

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  1. Null

    Null Well-Known Member

    Back story goes something like this. I had a friend at work, and I really valued his outlook and advice on a variety of different topics. I even viewed him as a father figure (he's 30 years older than me). One day I was talking to him about several problems (I cant remember what they were, but it was about 6 months ago), he told me (in now uncertain terms) to kill myself.

    The problem is... I cant get over it. I see him everyday. We work in the same office. I'm not sure why he would say this unless it was in my best interest. Every time I see him at work it hurts. Anxiety, shame, sadness all come over me, and its affecting my ability to work. Every morning on the way to work I hear his words echoing in my head... every time i see his face its a reminder of what he said to me that day. Emotionally, I hurt everyday, until i leave work, sometimes after...

    I keep thinking about it, and I cant get it out of my head. Maybe I just need a vacation... :(

    How do you handle situations like this? I mean WTF am I suppose to do? I don't really have anyone to talk to about this stuff, except my therapist... but she kinda wants to send me to the hospital... I'm not sure if its for the best.
  2. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    ((ARC)) I have to tell you, I am so upset for you. Please know that his "advice" to you was absolutely NOT in your best interests and this is not the type of "friendship" that anyone needs. I don't know if this guy is a sadist with some twisted desire to cause others pain, or if it was some misguided attempt at "bluffing", but it was awful for him to say. I can completely understand why you are now uncomfortable. My instinct is to advise you to just avoid him as much as you possibly can and his toxic advice and let go of that "friendship". But if you feel safe enough, maybe you can approach him and tell him that his advice was not what you needed in the desperate state you are/were in. And tell him that you want to clear the air so that you can continue being friends. Maybe you can talk to your therapist about this first and see what they advise. And please count ME among your many friends here on SF who understand what you are going through, and will do their best to give you advice and feedback that truly IS in your best interests. Sending friendship and hugs...T :console:
  3. MorganaNever

    MorganaNever Well-Known Member

    Few questions:

    1. When he said that, was he for any reason annoyed or angry at you (even if u don't know why)? Or did he say it in a manner of giving you genuine advice?

    2. Tell me more about the context, what else did he say, what happened just before and after, how did you respond and what then?

    3. What is your contact with him after that and how is he acting towards you?

    4. Is there any reason he would hold something against you?

    Who knows what was going on in this persons head at this point. Some people are assholes without awareness. But I simply don't understand the situation well enough to say anything yet about why he said it.

    I understand perfectly what impact words have and hate how little some people seem to get it. I don't know this person, but I know that some people say such things that you can be traumatized by them for so long, whereas they forget they even said it after a while, specially in anger. Also, some people are truly "dangerous" that way and deliberately want to mess up with peoples heads, control their emotions... and someone who is already struggling is always an easy victim cause of the vulnerability.

    Also, you said this person was a father figure to you. Some people believe "tough love" is the cure for everything and think they are doing good, whereas they are only making you feel miserable. It really seems to me that is the case if he just said it with no provocation.

    I don't know, tell me more.
  4. Null

    Null Well-Known Member

    I don't know if he was, but generally he makes his feelings known...

    I'll do my best to recall the situation and context.

    Me: Describing problem.
    Me: What? What do you mean. (at this time, it didn't quite occur to me what he meant)
    Co Worker: Maybe you just need to quit life... If its that bad, end it.
    Me: I'm not really sure that's going to help. I was looking for advice or ideas.
    Co Worker: Well you asked for my advice... I gave it to you.

    I'm sure those are not 100% the exact words... but the phrase is bold is EXACTLY what he said. Everything after that is kinda a blur.

    Generally not helpful. Generally not social towards me. It may be more about my attitude towards him though. I don't talk to him anymore, unless its strictly work related.

    Not that I can recall, but I cant be in his mind...
  5. Null

    Null Well-Known Member

    Oh well, at work today. I guess there isn't really anything I can do about anything. That being said, does any of this really matter?
  6. sha8811

    sha8811 Guest

    Sorry to hear you've had to deal with that. I would do one of two things. The first option would be confronting him, asking why he would ever suggest that option to you and explain how you look up to him for positive advice. Second option would be to end contact with him, or try and get a new job so you don't have to see him. Sometimes cutting ties with negativity is the best help. Best of luck, and don't take his suggestion to heart there are many more ways to solve a problem than simply giving up.
  7. MorganaNever

    MorganaNever Well-Known Member

    The hell with him. I wish people would be punished for the stuff they say, preferably by making no one ever listen to them again.

    He must be a pretty miserable human being to treat you that way and to betray your trust when you were confiding to him. Weather it was his attempt of "tough love"(damn those people make me sick) or he is just an evil bastard, know that it says everything about him and nothing about you.

    I am just really sorry you got so burned while trying to actually open up to someone. And then people say "you should just talk to someone about it" whatever the thing is.

    I know words can hurt like hell, and its pointless to say not to let it get to you, but really, nothing that comes from someone with that type of mind should be even taken into any consideration. Now you know who that person is.

    I'm really sorry you had to go trough that shit.
  8. Sais

    Sais Well-Known Member

    My subjective interpretation is that it was some sort of reversed psychology, maybe he got the impression that any advice he gave you until then didn't help because you wouldn't help yourself in following it. So he got tired and said that hoping for positive results?
    I repeat, just my subjective opinion. Anyway, you shouldn't let people get to you like that in the long way, because few actually care enough to deserve it.
  9. Null

    Null Well-Known Member

    I think your right, its an "attempt" at some soft of reversed psychology... I think my problem is the continuing contact as sha8811 mentioned. Simply getting a new job isnt exactly an option. I live in a small town, and my field is not exactly in high demand in this community. Perhaps in a larger city I would have options.

    Thank you MorganaNever for the kind words... I'm sort of thinking about sneaking away to an empty office to work... maybe no one will miss me :D
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