What to do, apart from the worst? does it stop?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by tappa, Jan 7, 2011.

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  1. tappa

    tappa Well-Known Member

    i have been depressed for about 4yrs, the past 18months have bin really difficult so i cant reli hide it. i only jus made it out of college wiv a pass (due to my teacher giving me the work and tellin me to put my name on it and hand back in). then i had the summer of jus thinkin shit and wanting to die.
    i have no reason to b depressed, i have had fine upbringing, loving fam and friends and everything.
    but i am. I think its something to do wiv this major self-hatred thing i have and me puttin others before myself too much. so ppl say anyway.
    i jus dnt want to live. i hate myself and over a period of yrs have lost all confidence, motivation and desire for anything.
    i started meds and councilling and everythin in march 09.
    at the end of august 09 i reached out to a friend of a friend (who i know to of been depressed for yrs) and told her about everything and asked how i stop self-harming and thinkin and planning suicide. i had it all planned out. tht evenin. hangin myself. had tested the rope, timed things, checked weight and such variables.
    but my friend of a friend was jus there , it was nice to tlk to someone hu 'gets it' . We started to get very close. (im bisexual, we both girls) and for the first time in about 5yrs i felt genuinely happy (being wiv her). But she has a bf. she tried it on wiv me the beginning of 09 but i pretended i didnt feel the same becus im a loser and didnt believe she cud genuinely like me...but she kinda does.
    long story short her being there for me stopped me killing myself. she has since sed she loves me but cant leave her bf it wud b unfair, she gta give him a chance (which is understandable - after all i had my chance).
    i told my parents about the depression bcus of her, gt a job and pretended everything was ok. but at the end of august i reach the point of no return. tht day i wanted to die. there was no other way to go. Im still in tht mindset, i jus been tryin to keep going to keep everyone happy. my fam. my friends. watever. but they cant help me. we all no we can have all the support in the world but its us tht has to change or sort ourselves out or watever.
    i have to thank my friend of a friend for wat she has done for me, i never in a million yrs wud of thought i'd make it to xmas. but here i am in 2011.
    am i happy im here. no
    do i wish i'd never confided in her and gone, deep down, yea, i really do.
    i've been gettin help now for nearly a yr, and i know thts nothing compared to most ppl here but i have only felt worse and worse. my meds have been changed numerous times, all have no effect, neither does any support i have.
    it jus means nothing and so does my life
    i jus dnt wana b here
    reli cant hack it anymore
    wen does it stop
    all i think about it plans of suicide.
    there is a cliffedge about 10miles from my house and i can drive there this weekend. i jus wana dive into oblivion.
    how and wat to do tht i havent already tried.
    i've rang crisis teams time after time and gt support and all tht. but they think becus im holding down a ful-time job tht im fine but i jus pretend to b ok at work, then come home and pretend to b ok to my fam and friends cus i feel so guilty.
    wats the alternative, be my reli depressing self and bring everyone else down wiv me. where wud tht get me. i'd jus feel even worse, i've tried to b honest bout how shit i feel but ppl jus get worried but cant do anythin to change the way my head works so they feel bad. making me feel bad.
    sorry bout the essay but thought i'd share exactly where im at so someone can tel me the secret to staying alive. cus i dnt get it.
    my friend of a friend moves in wiv her bf nx week which is fun :/
    she tries to b there for me but it jus gets her in shit wiv her bf so i bk off cus i love her and dnt want her hurting.
    she the only gd thing tht ever happened to me but i am glad she picked him over me cus i know deep down tht i'd never b wat she needs. she needs security. im 20 (so is she) but her bf is 26 wiv a car job and flat. security.
    anyways yea so im at a dead end and every day i live i think more and more about death and ending it and jus giving up cus i dnt want anythin enuf. not a thing. i dnt care for anything. like sure i'd like my friends and fam to b happy and prosperous and tht but i dnt care enuf to stay around and watch it happen.
    desperate need for a miracle cure .
    i know u guys wont have answers.
    all u can do is support.
    and tht doesnt change anythin.
    so im sorry but i jus randomly wrote this for a last hope
    much love xxx
  2. ~Young-Violet~

    ~Young-Violet~ Banned Member

    Hello Tappa,

    Sometimes the suppirt we do offer can be helpful to you and other times itt may not, I am so sorry to hear about how you are feeling and it seems like your life has had a lot off bounces from good times to bad. Coping with feelings like this can be awfully hard at times I am glad you feel you can confide in people such as crisis helpline and your friends, are you still in tcouselling? What do you do with your couseller such as CBT and all?

    Depression is a awful thing to have to cope with and at times but can make your emotions a muddle at times, and unable for you to understand them and control them. Weldone for getting a pass, I'm glad you had help/support from your teacher, weldone.

    Even if you have everything ta-hat you want, you can still end up becoming very low and depressed quater of the worlds population had shown more happier people are depressed than the ones that have nothing.

    Weldone for telling your parents that was a brave step to take, itt seems like you can confide and trust your friend highly so weldone!!! Do you speak to her regurly like through texts and sns? Keep us posted take care x
  3. tappa

    tappa Well-Known Member

    no i cant cus she tries but bcus of her bf she cant b there for me (he gets angry at her) . i had councilling recently jus cancelled it tho cus they jus say the same stuff and nothing changes. i had cbt but it didnt work so they put me on a more advanced list. it jus endless of nothing working and nothing helpin so wats the point
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