from last night: Tonight I am feeling like an outcast. Outcast from life and family and friends. I work hard to help others, but I still feel unliked and unwanted. When I was young - I was treated badly by family. That caused me to self harm myself for 17 years. And through out life I have felt I was on the outside of everything ; never a part of things. I felt that way in religion , school, and in general. Now, I feel my life is ending. I see the signs all around me. And I am weary from all my problems. I no longer feel like fighting back. Am considering stopping all of my herbal chemo. I just do not care any more. My latest reading indicates that the special medicine for which I stopped taking all opiates - will only add a few months of life. That’s not good enough for all the pain and difficulty it presents. And I was turned down for regular chemo – supposedly because I wanted the special medicine today I am feeling a bit better , and am trying to express my needs here for the future, because i do not know what to do when i get into trouble. so here goes: when i come to the suicide forum - it is for suicide problems. It is because i can not discuss suicide thoughts or problems anywhere else. yet when i come here - the triggering room is always empty, and if i go there no one else does any longer. they used to - way back. so , I do not know what to do. I am not going to tell the doctors that I am in trouble from all the hormone therapies, and the herbal chemo I am on , because they will cut my meds and i will , simply die . that is what they did the last time i mentioned I was having emotional / suicidal problems. so i come to this suicide forum . but i do not know how to reach out when i am sick -- i freeze up . I cannot express myself. I was very badly abused when i was young . I was left to suffer horribly. and the result, is that i can not reach out when i am in trouble. so i am lost . i am lost now . i honestly do not know what to do i tried to express myself to a kind person on the chat room - and they tried to help me , but basically they said - tell the doctors what is happening. And i can not do that because i know they will cut me off from the meds. so i am stuck . i am back in my own little hell. and i don't know what to do . my life is very painful. i don;t want to live any more. no one cares. is anyone out there? why am i alive?