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What to do?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by debola, Apr 4, 2013.

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  1. debola

    debola New Member

    What to do?.

    Today I once again found myself crawled up in the fetal position, on the floor or my room, crying about how sad and useless I am. I’m 20 years old, black, gay, slightly overweight and about to graduate from college with nothing to show for it. They say that the average male my age would think most about sex, but as of late that no longer applies to me. What I think of when I wake up, what I think of before I sleep, what I think of everytime I close the door of my apartment, is suicide.
    I’m not writing this to gain anyones pity. The last thing I want to do Is discomfort someone else with my own bullshit. I’m just writing this as some release. I don’t know whether or not to go into details but regardless I’m going to write this out however it goes.
    I feel like my university life is about to amount to nothing. My GPA is a 3.0/4.0 and I have accomplished absolutely nothing worthwhile in my four years in college. I basically stayed in my room most of the time, watched tv, binge ate and the masturbated for the past 4 years, with the occasional party where I got drunk every couple of months. I hate myself with a passion and the only reason I haven’t killed myself up until now is because I’m afraid.
    You’re wrong if you think im just some wimpy guy who’s afraid to pull the trigger on his head. What I fear isn’t death but what could possibly come after and what I would do to those left behind.
    I was raised Christian and even though I could barely be associated with the word now, a part deep inside me still clings to those beliefs. The bible says hell is for eternity, furthermore Catholicism believes suicide to be the unforgivable sin. Hence I hope you can understand my fear of killing myself. I would want nothing more than to dedicate my life to Christ today only to be met by a mad gunman outside the church. Truly, I cannot think of anything better happening.
    The second reason I fear death is because I know my mother would be devastated. Like I said, I don’t want to bother anyone with my sad story. People like me with sad depressing stories are a dime a dozen and even those who aren’t depressed have their own sad problems and stories. However, I am faced with the dilemma of having to continue a life filled with regret and sadness just to keep my mother happy, or end it like I want to.
    I know usually people always say things could get better but could they really?. My life is in shambles, no professor in my school would say anything good about me, even within the 10% who would vaguely recognize my name. I also just recently attended a job fair where I failed to impress a single employer. Whether it was my lack or organizational skills, crappy resume, low gpa, nervousness or just general unpreparedness that made them trivialize me in their heads I will never know.
    There are many depressing things in my life. My sexuality and my constant battle to align it with my supposed religion, my race, my country of origin, my grades, my lack of social skills….. the list goes on and on. Please tell me, anyone who actually bothered to read this sad rant, what would you do if you were me, please don’t just say something you’d see in a self help book, please be honest. I had always thought suicide would be my salvation but I’m not sure if I can overcome my fears and go through with it.
  2. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    I am glad that at least two things have so far saved your life. Have you sought help for depression? Called a crisis line for gay people? I know there will be support from this site for you. I'm very sorry but you have to take the first step seeking help to make any change in your life. I hope other members will be able to advise on churches where your sexuality would not be an issue. I only know of those in the UK where there are also gay Christian groups.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Theodora is right hun you have to take that first step to change where you are at right now. You reach out for help to councilor at your school to your doctor to a therapist but do it ok
    You can change how things are with support it can happen but you need to reach out for support hun hugs
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