What to do?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by 113, May 27, 2014.

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  1. 113

    113 Member

    I am new to this forum and I think im writing for attention, or possibly just to say something somewhere. I have no real reasons to complain, or to be unhappy. I dont know what is real anymore, and what ive made myself believe while trying to find reasons or explanations for why im failing at life. Ive wondered if im simply lazy and weak, and everything is an excuse for that. Looking back I think it started about three or four years ago, I lost weight without trying and became underweight, which made me happy until I realized it looked too skinny. I tried gaining weight again, which failed miserably and I kept losing more, and at some point I stopped caring. It was a stressful time too, alot was going on and I am very scared anyone I know will read and recognize me so ill skip all the lame details ive gathered in my head to make some kind of excuse for myself. About a year ago I stopped even trying to keep my life together, and somewhere in the middle of the year I figured it was no point pretending to be studying when I really wasnt. I dont know when thoughts about suicide become "abnormal", as I stopped trying in life I became more practical about it. I have not made any real attempts at following through, the closest would be the rope I have hanging ready on the inside of my closet. I feel very guilty even thinking about it, it would be a horrible thing to do to my family, yet I dont know how much better it is that im around the way I am now. I also hurt someone very badly, which probably makes me completely undeserving of life. Selfishly I dont even know what I want, I dont want anything, I want to not be here. I dont even know if id be able to go through with it, I am very scared of failing and making things worse than they are. I dont know how to fix myself, I mean, I know what needs to happen I just dont know how to make it happen. Also I am extremely narrowminded, and dont see how I could possibly benefit from seeing someone professional other than my regular doctor to fix the physical problems. The result is im stuck, trying some days and giving up others, while hating both myself and life more as time goes by.
  2. cymbele

    cymbele SF Supporter

    Welcome to SF. You will find a very caring community.

    Sometimes I too want to die and being able to write out how I'm feeling drives the suicidal feelings away. That and what you're doing - taking life on day at a time. You are deserving of life. Sometimes we screw up and hurt others but that doesn't mean you should die.

    Talking to a professional MH person, maybe a therapist would help you better deal with things. It sounds like you have discarded that option but it has helped me. The MH pro helps you to learn to deal with seeing situations in a different viewpoint and also a safe place like this to vent and get help. We are not pros just people like you dealing with the situations of suicide ideation I guess it's called.It takes a while for a MH person to help but if you have patience it will go a long way.

    Keep posting here. Feel free to PM me if you'd like.
  3. overdue

    overdue Member

    Its as if most of your post is from my own mind. Do you have anxiety, new member? Also, do you prefer evenings alone? I think that although your situation is complex to you, seclusion does not help you enjoy your time awake. Do you agree with that statement?
  4. 113

    113 Member

    Thank you for your replies, and support.

    I suppose claiming therapy wouldnt help was a bit a harsh and not what I necessarily believe, the truth is I really dont want to. I dont know what I would say, or how honest I would be. I also used to be scared of what would be registered in my journals, but that should be a non issue I guess. I dont like the idea of being analyzed.

    I dont have anxiety on paper, Im not sure if I do in reality. Possibly.
    I have no problem agreeing with your statement, Im sure its the dumbest thing you do. I see my family, as I moved back home after leaving university. I dont have anything but dumb excuses for why im not being more social, and simply being a very bad friend. Im not very nice all the time at home either, although I am trying to just pull away instead of punishing them. Actually, I think its probably better im not very social now so I dont make more people hate me.
  5. overdue

    overdue Member

    Are you finished with your higher education, or did you mean you moved home for the summer break? What are your plans for the summer? Is the warmer weather putting you in a better mood?
  6. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. You are not alone in your struggle. Dealing with a weight is emotionally and physically draining. Do not think that you don't gave support here but people will help you. I understand the social aspect as you do not want be hurt or hated by others. If people hate you, just do not interact with them. It's their loss and not yours. Hope this post helps
  7. 113

    113 Member

    Thank you for reading and caring!
    I might be bad at explaining myself, and I dont know all about what made me this way or how much it matters really. I mean I quit school. Ive always been thinking you just have to push through whatever happens, and I tried to for a long time but I cared less and less as I cared less for life. The beginning of this year I was very down already, then something was said which to me was the final straw, so I stopped leaving the house. I can still go back, but I dont know if I can finish it at this point. I dont think the weight loss itself was the cause, rather that it was a consequence and then probably contributed to making it worse. Poor diet caused lack of certain vitamins and some hormonal imbalance, which possibly contributed in more recent time. At least thats how Ive been thinking of it.

    My friends I close out, its not at all on them. I dont know if I trust my own judgement right now, Ill get angry or hurt for unreasonable things. Which I guess is just me feeling bad about myself and my life, and I just make myself look crazy by reacting. I dont want to sit and talk about my problems or explain myself to everyone, its just more depressing, and its hard to pretend to be happy, so I just close it all out and Ill apologize very deeply when I pull myself together. It would be my loss and my fault, not theirs if they are done then.

    Im not sure if my mood is better with the weather, Ive also been taking/getting the vitamins I lacked so it should be. I dont know if I can be happy anymore. Im tired of trying, I just feel done with everything.
  8. Nothguoh

    Nothguoh Antiquities Friend

    1,13 thank you for writing here. It sounds like it took you a while to get to this point, but posting here is a positive step even if it doesn't seem so now. Sharing your problems here will help. But you need to talk to someone who will listen without being judgmental, who will refrain from giving unsolicited advice, and who will accept you for who you are. A good MH counselor or therapist could do this without analyzing you. But so could a real friend. Unfortunately good counselors and good friends are hard to find. But they are out there and I hope you cross paths with one soon. Please keep posting.
  9. 113

    113 Member

    I would say I do have good friends, and it really is on me im shutting them out. One close friend Ive told pretty much everything, mostly as things happened, but in a somewhat more positive light. Im scared to be too honest, I dont want to give anyone reason to use force on me, I dont think I could deal with that at all. Also there is no point in people worrying more. Anyway the main point was that I have talked to someone, and my lacking social life is all on me. Thank you for your reply, it really means alot.
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