I am new to this forum and I think im writing for attention, or possibly just to say something somewhere. I have no real reasons to complain, or to be unhappy. I dont know what is real anymore, and what ive made myself believe while trying to find reasons or explanations for why im failing at life. Ive wondered if im simply lazy and weak, and everything is an excuse for that. Looking back I think it started about three or four years ago, I lost weight without trying and became underweight, which made me happy until I realized it looked too skinny. I tried gaining weight again, which failed miserably and I kept losing more, and at some point I stopped caring. It was a stressful time too, alot was going on and I am very scared anyone I know will read and recognize me so ill skip all the lame details ive gathered in my head to make some kind of excuse for myself. About a year ago I stopped even trying to keep my life together, and somewhere in the middle of the year I figured it was no point pretending to be studying when I really wasnt. I dont know when thoughts about suicide become "abnormal", as I stopped trying in life I became more practical about it. I have not made any real attempts at following through, the closest would be the rope I have hanging ready on the inside of my closet. I feel very guilty even thinking about it, it would be a horrible thing to do to my family, yet I dont know how much better it is that im around the way I am now. I also hurt someone very badly, which probably makes me completely undeserving of life. Selfishly I dont even know what I want, I dont want anything, I want to not be here. I dont even know if id be able to go through with it, I am very scared of failing and making things worse than they are. I dont know how to fix myself, I mean, I know what needs to happen I just dont know how to make it happen. Also I am extremely narrowminded, and dont see how I could possibly benefit from seeing someone professional other than my regular doctor to fix the physical problems. The result is im stuck, trying some days and giving up others, while hating both myself and life more as time goes by.