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What to do?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AquariusX, Sep 2, 2007.

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  1. AquariusX

    AquariusX New Member

    I guess this is my opportunity to vent, I assume that is partly what a site like this offers, venting your troubles and hoping someone might sympothize and relate. So where to begin? I'm currently 23, and about 6 or 7 years ago, my mother left me and my brother to "fend" for ourselves, disappeared out of the blue and eventually found and confronted with an answer of "I don't want to take care of them anymore." Not that we were bad kids or anything, but I guess she didn't want us anymore, who knows really.

    As a result we had to move in with my grandfather, sort of hard to pay rent on a house when we are kids and don't work. As the years go on, my brother married and moved out. But also as the years go on, my grandfather got older, and started to develope altimers and other aliments. In time I've become his caretaker. But my life now is limited to just that. Not that I don't love my grandfather, just that its difficult when my late teens and early twenties are being spent solely on taking care of him. Most people my age are out and about partying, socializing...having great times. I spend my days going to school and coming directly home to take care of my grandfather and making sure he is taking his meds and eatting well. Most might think that a good and thoughtful thing...but it is highly frustrating when the person you are helping can't understand how to take care of themselves and gets angry at you for just simply trying to help.

    As a result of this, I don't go out practically at all, cause I'm constantly worrying about my grandfather. He has lots of trouble when no one is there to help him with things, and my family and even mother (which I do still talk to, and its her father) doesn't want to help or put forth the effort. I think I've become and alcoholic as a result just as a means to relieve some of the stresses of it.

    I have attempted suicide at least twice, taking loads of pills with alcohol, but been unsuccessful and ended up waking the next day. I feel like my life is being wasted away, I should be out having fun etc etc. but I spend every night and weekend at home. Years of not socializing because of feeling like I have other obligations to family have left me in a state of social anxiety.

    I shouldn't have to be spending my life like this, but I can't just abandon someone I know that needs help. But at times I wish I could just end it....Everyone else in my family seems to just look out for themselves, but its like I'm not allowed to do the same. I've already lost what most people say are the best years of their life. Maybe if I wasn't around, the people that should take the responsibilities of their life, will be forced to.

    Anyways, sorry for the long rant... being able to vent a bit and not just in my head is sort of a nice relief. Maybe no one will read it, but I've let it out some anyway. Just feels like I've reached a point where happiness and a normal life are just a dream.
  2. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    Just wanted to let you kno that I read it :hug: It's a great thing you're doing, even though it's extremely difficult.
  3. AquariusX

    AquariusX New Member

    Thanks for reading.

    Though the thought of death seems a huge HUGE relief...
    Lately I tell myself on a daily basis that I can't take this anymore...I just want peace from this...
  4. Mew

    Mew Active Member

    Is hiring someone to take care of him like 2-3 times a week an option? If it is, you could go out and get some, from the sound of things, much-needed me time :)
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