I'm in college, I'm 21, and theoretically everything should be going well for me- I have extremely high grades and I'm a really good athlete. But I've been lonely and unhappy for years and I've been thinking about suicide on and off since tenth grade. I had to go to a college I didn't like as much because of money, and for all my efforts I just never fit in here. I got to go to another school for a while, but when I came back I found that my friends had either graduated or changed and I felt more miserable than ever. I was going out and partying, trying to be social, but I just kept falling apart more and more. I finally did it a month and a half ago- I took about 50-60 pills of Ultram and ten drinks of alcohol and ran away from my house; I didn't tell anyone where I was going, and I almost died in the ER. I've been on medications for four months and I've been getting counseling, but I still just don't want to live. I feel so indifferent to everything, and the only thing holding me back is my promise not to do it again. Even this is starting to fade now, because when I told my Mom I might need to drop out of this semester she started asking me what else I would do, pointing out all the reasons it was a bad idea, etc. I just don't know what to do; I can't study, I can't be around people, all I can do is climb into bed and stare at the wall, wishing I didn't exist. I just don't know what to do. I don't really know what I'm expecting to get out of writing all this, I think I'm just desperate.