what to do?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by rororo, Mar 26, 2008.

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  1. rororo

    rororo New Member

    Let me start this by saying that I have been shy all my life. I have no idea why but it is just difficult for me to have a normal conversation with someone. My parents are both very articulate and my brother(1 year older than me) was always one of the most popular kids in school, but for some reason I just can't talk to anyone I'm not absolutely comfortable with. It always frustrated me, but little did I know that it would get worse.
    When High School started I was actually excited because I thought it was gonna be the time that I came out of my shell and actually enjoyed meeting new people, but the exact opposite happened. During my first two years it was apparent that I was was never going to be like everybody else. The only thing keeping me sane was my one true passion: soccer. I could translate the extreme stress of an average day of schoolto help me on the field, but there was still a huge void in my life. During my final two years of high school I started to develop depression. I felt lonely all the time, even when I was with the only people I could relate to (mainly my teammates).
    With the depression looming over me, it was time to decide where i wanted to go to college. I had decided on a college about 15 minutes from home, but two days before I was going to commit, I found my high school coach had gotten a job as head soccer coach at a prominent D3 school about an hour and a half from my house. I still wanted to go to my original choice, but after a little pressure from my parents(they loved my coach), I decided I would give it a try.
    I was so scared at tryouts, but I realized that all of the guys on the team were very nice. They helped me around campus and always talked to me when they saw me. I was starting to come out of my shell. The team was doing great and I was one of only two freshmen that were starting. I had almost completely forgotten about my depression. Things were looking up.
    After about 2 weeks of feeling great, it all started to go downhill. I was so concentrated on soccer and being social that I completely neglected my classes. I had a 3.7 GPA in high school and got a 30 on my ACT, but at the end of the semester I ended up with a 1.0, passing just 2 out of 5 classes. My coach and team were supportive, but I could tell they weren't happy. I promised my coach that I would improve because i need at least a 2.0 to play. My roommate, who I had a pretty good friendship with, moved to his friend's dorm and I haven't seen him once since(about 2 months). I didn't see my teammates very much anymore, so most nights I just spent alone in my room. My depression returned, worse than ever. Everything irritated me. I wanted to get up for class in the morning, but instead I would just lay there, because class just wasn't important to me anymore. Nothing was. I would lie in bed for hours doing nothing. The only time I left my room was for an occasional class or to get food. I could feel the depression building. I would sit for hours in my room crying about my life but not doing anything about it. I no longer had any motivation to live.All the players who were once so friendly to me barely talk to me anymore. I failed the easiest class I could take in college (a half-semester class) for the second time, which means I can't practice with the team in the spring, which means there is about a 1% chance that i'll make the team next year. My parents were pissed about me failing the class once, I can't imagine what they are going to say when they find out I failed the same course again. I had to lie to my parents and my coach, but it is inevitable that they will find out I lied to them. My life is swirling out of control. I have lost the team I had once loved, the trust of my parents, and pretty much every friendship I had. There is only one person I can talk to here (someone from my high school team), but he is so popular I only see him a couple times a week at most.
    Last week I had spring break, but of course, I was too shy to talk to my parents because of the severe punishment that would follow. I just lied my way through their questions about my classes. This worsened my depression and I felt so guilty that I almost couldn't take it anymore. Then my brother comes home, and I find out he was increased to a full scholarship(half soccer, half academic) and he had a beautiful new girlfriend, pretty much doing everything that I wanted to be doing. I felt like I had failed my parents and everyone close to me. My parents are spending their hard earned dollars so I can fail and my brother is going for free and getting a 3.8.
    So here I am now, depressed and lonely, back in the dorm room by myself. Tomorrow I have to face my coach and I don't know what to tell him because he worked so hard to help me and I promised him I would improve, but I only got worse. I'm overcome by guilt. The team starts practice tomorrow, but the only way I can be with them is if I lie to my coaches face, and at the end of the year he will see my report card and I'll be fucked. The team was looking forward to next season because we only lost 1 senior and we could be one of the best teams in D3, but I'm not going to be able to be a part of it. It is tearing me up inside. I have let down everyone important to me in my life. No matter what I do or what I think of, the guilt just gets worse along with my depression. I don't want to do anything stupid, but if I live I will have to face everyone I let down, and I'm too weak to do this. My depression is at its all-time worst. The thought of facing my coach tomorrow has brought me to tears, and I am crying as I try and finish this. What can I do. There are more details but the more I type the worse I feel. Please help.
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Unfortunately you aren't going to like what I have to say. And I think you already know what it is. You have to face the music and talk to all these people. Tell them the truth. The longer this goes on, the longer you are carrying the guilt and pain of what is happening. And the longer you leave it the more you have to answer for. And the longer you try to live the lies that are out there the more and greater the depression becomes. It is one huge nasty circle. And the only way to break it is to tell the truth. Once you have that off your plate, you can start cleaning up the rest of your plate and hopefully by doing so you will help decrease the depression. But ultimately it's up to you but you have to live with the outcome either way. Good luck hun.!!
  3. tired eric

    tired eric Member

    i agree, tell the truth today! talk to your coach and see what he can do. be honest and tell him you need help with both your depression and grade issues. you might be able to get a "Did Not Complete" for some of your grades due to a medical condition and finish the class requirements over the summer or fall when feeling better. i have seen it before. point is you have to ask for help sometimes and there are sometimes answers we never discover when clouded in despair. be honest and take care of you. the rest will come!
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