What to do?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ThoseEmptyWalls, Jan 10, 2010.

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  1. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    Its been a good while since I have logged in here.. I lost internet service and just got it back a few weeks ago. I just now felt the need to log in here... I really have no idea whats going on in my life and every time I think I have some idea it crumbles.. My son just came home a little bit ago. He stayed lastnight with my Dad because our gas was off. Anyhow..I moved the furniture around while he was gone. He came running inside and tripped. Feel down, spilled the dogs water everywhere and knocked a knot on his head. His Dad starts screaming at him for falling down and breaking the dogs bowl. He fell down, a accident, and he didnt break the damn water bowl... Then his dad gets all pissy because he wouldnt accept his appology... Then I ask my husband to put his tools away and he throws them in the floor... So this isnt a crisis really but I didnt know where else to post this.. I dont feel like my life is in crisis but then again its been this way for years so I dont know..My point of this post is.... My husband turns into super jerk when our son comes home from my Dads (or my moms).. We seem to get on alright when our boys not home..But as soon as he steps foot into the house it changes..What did I do..What did he do..What can we do to help change this... I know I didnt want to have the baby (whos nearly five now)..I know I begged someone to drive me to a abortion clinic..I will admit my life is sort of ruined in a sence..I love my son (so dont accuse me of saying I dont)..Im just wondering if my attitude has some how effected his? Im scizoeffective..Im a little crazy...Im a little unsure of things..I get confused easy..I change my mind a lot..My feelings show and Im not afraid to say what Im thinking..Did I somehow make him turn this way..My moms a mental health worker and she explained it to me like this.. When people are treated a certain way or deal with someone elses behavior for so long they build defences..What can I do to help change this? I try to take down my walls and his stay up (which force me to rebuild mine)...I love my husband..I know I bitch a lot about him and sometimes I over do it a little (I can admit that).. I love him and I know deep down he loves me..I just wish I could help him..Helping him would help us..Then I could start to help me..
     
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Kristen I can relate to how you're feeling. And I rally wish I could give you some sound advice or words to make you feel better. I loved my husband too but things had to stop, he wasnt willing to make the changes. It didnt matter how much I tried. He had to be willing to try too. So please dont put all this blame on yourself. Hun you know you have a mental health issue and you know your limitations. I think he has to do the same thing. Best I can offer is :arms: and if you want to talk drop me a pm.
     
  3. Lost.

    Lost. Well-Known Member

    In your heart, do you truly believe that you are fit and up to the task of being parents?

    By your description, your husband seems to see the child as more of a burden than a son. Barring any significant breakthroughs on his part, if he is aggravated by the responsibilities of being a parent, chances are he will not change any time soon.

    At the risk of your boy growing up having a cold, non-existent relationship with his father (which I had and have suffered horrible effects as a result), do you love your husband enough to put up with his quirks?

    Your situation is a difficult one and I hate to insert my unprofessional advice in the matters of strangers, but I hate seeing a person so conflicted.

    From my very, very limited vantage point - something has to give here.
     
  4. musiclady

    musiclady Member

    Are you past the point in your relationship that you two can't talk? Send the boy to gma's again and sit down with hubby and explain what you see. Calmly. Ask what HE needs changed in the relationship and see if maybe it's something doable. Otherwise, I guess you could have the boy spend as much time with others as possible and encourage lots of afterschool activities when he gets older. look for Big Brothers or a male relative that can take the kid under his wing. Can't say it will work, but if you haven't tried it yet, it's worth a shot. Hubby may not realize how he acts when the boy is around. Maybe he resents the kid and doesn't see that.
     
  5. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    I honestly dont think he notices his behavior. I bring it to his attention but I really dont think he sees his behavior is wrong. I think its because of his upbringing..His Dad died when he was like 8 or 9. He was left in the care of his mother and sometimes his grandfather. His mom screamed and yelled at him all the time. His grandfather would beat him so hard the imprints of whatever he was being hit with would be on his skin. I think that really effects the way he sees himself and his behavior today. Being talked to so badly as a child made it seem normal. So he doesnt see his behavior as wrong. Now hes not a hitter or anything like that... I think anyone would see beating a person as wrong.. I just cant seem to make him understand his behavior is hurtful.. Otherwise hes great..He plays tons of games with the boy, tries to teach him things, spends a lot of time with him...
     
  6. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    But if you or someone doesnt make him see that it is wrong the cycle continues!!! His behaviour stems from his childhood and so it will for your son. To say he behaves a way because of how he was brought up is really just an excuse to not have to deal with this problem. Yes it has scarred him and limited his parenting skills and abilities. But he can take control and change it too. Try and tell him that. Ask him if he wants your son to grow up angry too? Your son is still quite young. You have time to change how he thinks and how he ultimately will choose to show his anger when it comes to surface. I dont want to try and make you feel like I'm ganging up on your husband. Furthest from it. I would really like to see him get help so that you all can be happy and move forward as a family. Here if you want to pm.
     
  7. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    I didnt think you were ganging up on anyone.. And Im not excusing his behavior because of his childhood - Im blaming his behavior on it.. Honestly I dont know how to make him understand.. Sometimes I feel bad for even being with him.. I know I will sound like a shit when I say this but..His IQ is low (my husbands). He actually technically is considered 'Low Level Intellictual Functioning'...Could that perhaps be hurting his ability to understand his behavior and remedy it?... Sometimes I feel awful for being with him but I love him..When I first met him I was stuck on him! I bumped into him on accident and he studdered out a hello... He took me to a community picknick later on (well a group of us but he drove!). After his mom died I got the nerve to ask him to be around more and we have been together ever since - 7 years next month.. I love him and his behavior, his iq, nothing can change that. I just hurt so much for him..When I see hes confused..When I see hes hurting..I hurt too.. I just want to find something that will let him see once and for all - You dont need to hurt.. When you hurt I hurt..It doesnt have to be like this.. He drives me insane but I would do anything to help him. I just want my husband back.. I want my calm, kind, loveable teddy bear back.. Instead of my loud, stupid, jerk..
     
  8. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Kristen I know how you feel about him. And yes definitely his condition could play a major part in his behaviour. Have you ever looked into any type of suppor groups for his condition? Or even a support group for depression. I'm sure that may play a part for him too. You could attend together. Maybe get some coping skills that both of you could use. Might even by getting him to attend a few, get him to open up a little about how he is feeling. They really are very comfortable things to attend. No pressures to talk. No stressors. Just being with other people that really understand. Like here but with faces (lol). It sounds like you already have a sitter available. Look up mental health in the phone book and call a couple to see what you can find. You might even be able to turn it into a might out for the two of you. Attend group then go grab a coffee or drink afterwards. Something to consider?
     
  9. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    They dont offer anything like that here. I checked the local papers community corner and only support groups are for greif, addiction recovery, things like that (no mental health support groups). My mom works for the local mental health agency that services the county I live in and the surrounding counties so Im not able to attend anything offered thru them (its against company policy)... My husband went to personal therapy for a while but it was a 60 mile one way drive and we couldnt afford to keep making the trips.. Yes its something worth considering and we would go if only something was offered close enough to our home.
     
  10. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    I emailed the WV Nami branch and requested information from them. Perhaps they can tell me if there are support groups in my area that Im not aware of. Information like that can be hard to find if you dont know exactly where to look.
     
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