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What to do?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by yorkie bar, Mar 4, 2010.

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  1. yorkie bar

    yorkie bar Well-Known Member

    I find it really difficult to reach to others for help, but here i am.

    Been to hospital today. Not had the biopsy. The doctor had a look around and decided not to do it today.I've got to go for a stay in hospital while they take a biopsy,cameras etc.I' ve got to go seperately for a pre op, op while they do other tests too. I'm going to be off work for a minimum of a week, not allowed to drive etc.while they remove whatever needs to be removed.And i still don't really know whats going on, because they won't say what they are looking for. Maybe i don't ask enough questions. There were two medical students sitting in. Did i mind if they stay? Of course i mind if they stay. I don't know how i got there in the first place. Thats not like me at all. They missed an experience i feel really guilty about.

    I told my boss, and she said she won't book out anymore work to me now ( because she does'nt want to reallocate, if i have to cancel). So now faced with no work for an indefinite period. No work, no money, no home, no body

    I've thought seriously about it, and almost 100% decided not to go for the tests. I'll ring the hospital tomorrow, and tell them why.I simply can't afford not to go to work. The state won't help me, because, tecnically. i'm working. Whats the point? when i don't care whether i live or die anyway? All i do is live to work, to have money to go to work, to go to work. I have no quality of life anyway. So why the fuck am i continuing to go out to work?

    I can't continue this life, like this

    Let what will be, be?
  2. jnine

    jnine Well-Known Member

    Hello yorkie bar,

    it doesn't sound like you are feeling well at all today, are you sure you want to be making such big decesions feeling like you do?

    maybe you could wait a bit, a day or three, and then look at it again.

    I'm sad you have all this going on, and all going on at the same time.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 4, 2010
  3. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    It seems you are gone already..

    I am sorry to hear there is so much going on medical wise, that stuff is always very scary but feel free to give me a PM as I may be able to answer some of your detailed questions.

    There is another member, rhinolady, that has been going through something similar did you see her post? Maybe the two of you can lean on each other?

    I hope that there is another member here that can relate to what you are going through better than I, I am sorry but I wanted to die so bad when they thought I was dying I didn't care at all but now that I want to live my illness is better so not sure how I would feel.

    I am always here for you so lean on me all you need too.

    Love Bambi
  4. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    Hi Yorkie I know its hard especially when you have money stresses, but you have to look after your health first, you and your health is alot more important than any job. It doesn't sound like your boss is very supportive, is there no area in your contract where they need to support you with this stuff like sick pay or anything? Sorry I'm not very knowledgable on this stuff so have proberly got it wrong. Do you have any support by you?if you do can they help you with some financial support for living etc? Sending a big hug x :hug:
  5. yorkie bar

    yorkie bar Well-Known Member

    Thankyou for your replies

    Maybe i am gone already, as you said.

    I've lost the power, or will to, be, anymore. just what is the point in putting myself through all that going into hospital entails.

    Yes, i have been looking at Rhinolady's posts. Just can't seem to talk about it, like she can. They told me not to cancel my next appointment, i already cancelled two.If i do cancel my appointment, my decision will be final. I just can't seem to face it. I don't have the will to live like 'normal' people do. I know a few people going through similar, and do their utmost to live. I simply don't care. I'm quite happy to die.

    Pebble - I'm self employed. My 'boss' is a contact between me and companies. No work, no pay, and no sick pay either.
  6. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    It's hard, so hard, to face what you are facing. Have you got any support around you? Any family or friends who can help you through this? Or any support groups that the hospital could recommend?

    Could you do any other work temporarily while you are not doing what you normally do?

    If you go to the appointments and have this done, then you stay far more in control than if you don't go. It's scary, its horrible and its petrifying, but its important to find a way to go if you can.
  7. yorkie bar

    yorkie bar Well-Known Member

    I don't seem to be in control of anything right now
  8. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Going to the appointments puts you in control and gives you more choices than if you cancel and walk away.

    It feels so scary when things feel out of control. Not sure if you saw my reply on rhinolady's thread, but I too had to go through biopsies and stuff (my tumour is in my bladder though), so I can relate to the kind of fear you feel. My PM box is open if you do want to talk about it.
  9. yorkie bar

    yorkie bar Well-Known Member

    Thanks Scum

    It does'nt feel as if i have any control at all. The doctor said he would do what ever was neccessary, which means i could be out of action for a long time.
  10. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    That must be a scary prospect to face, because its all unknown. Can i ask where your problem is and what they want to take a biopsy of?

    Also remember that you have control of what he does and doesn't do because you can tell him beforehand what you don't want done and what you do want doing.
  11. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    hon please hang in there. like i said yesterday we can and will walk this road together no matter what the outcome of our tests are.

    from the sounds of it going in to the hospital to get these tests will keep you out of work for a week. i think you need to make it specifically clear to the old boss that this is all the time you will need. i don't know where you live, but here in the states they can't let you go based on this. if they did you could have yourself a huge lawsuit on your hands.

    personally, i really don't care what the outcome of my test is to be honest. there is that old saying "it's a no win situation" well to me this is a "no lose situation". so what's the harm in trying? there really doesn't seem to be any. so please i strongly encourage you to hang in there and get this taken care of. i know it's hard not knowing. that's the worst part of it all. at least when you know you can know what you're dealing with and work with it from there.

    hang in there and please by all means take care, and continue to pm me as much or as little as you'd like. we'll get through this together.
  12. yorkie bar

    yorkie bar Well-Known Member

    Thanks rhinolady

    I don't know what i feel this morning. I've hardly had any sleep. I'm not employed by a company as such, so she can treat me how she wants. I was talking to someone last night, and they said it can take 6 - 8 weeks to wait for an appointment, although, the nurse said it would'nt be long, as he did'nt have a waiting list. The NHS without a waitng list? I don't believe it.

    I'm going to email my boss and tell her, i'm not going to go, as i simply can't afford not to work for any length of time, my financial situation is so bad.I've never had a phobia of hospitals, but somehow i just can't go through with all this, and i'm happy to die anyway.

    yorkie xx
  13. yorkie bar

    yorkie bar Well-Known Member

    Thats it, done. I've emailed her, and now its off to the daily grind on the treadmill of work..................................................
  14. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you have to go through all that medical stuff but your health is important.....
    no health-no work....
    If you are off work being so sick does the government have a sickness benefit you could claim???..they do where I am.....
    I hope you have some support through this...
  15. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Just wondered how you were doing?
  16. yorkie bar

    yorkie bar Well-Known Member

    I'm shattered, just walked in from work, had another 14 hour day. Either one thing or the other will kill me.

    I emailed my 'boss' this morning, to say i was'nt going into hospital, and shes never mentioned it to me today, just been ringing me up with work all day, so it looks like the problem is sorted.

    A knackered yorkie xx
  17. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    please Yorkie get the help you need with your health.......
    we care.....
  18. yorkie bar

    yorkie bar Well-Known Member

    Is there any point in anyone caring? Don't waste your thoughts, when i don't even care. I've just given up, its all too much
  19. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I;m sorry you've given up...
    I wish you'd reconsider.....we care on here...
    you need to care about yourself too though ..you are worth it....
  20. yorkie bar

    yorkie bar Well-Known Member

    I'n really not worth it. This is the perfect solution to ending it all. I've lived my life, its all over
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