what to do??

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by martinculling, Mar 11, 2010.

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  1. martinculling

    martinculling Member

    hi all, just need to talk to people that feel and think like i do! im 44yo and have had anxiety all my life. been on medication strong now since 1997 had alsorts of therapy, one2one, cbt, hypnotherapy etc. made an attempt on my life in 05,07 and have thought it over again the last 6months ive been off work with anxiety an bad tension headaches.my boss is considering my suitability as a farm supervisor which ive been doing for the last 10yrs i get quite obssessed wth my work and my attention to detail which is now going to cost me my position!! but ive been off so much in the last 2 years i think they have had enough. my marriage has and is suffering through different things. ive been married 20yrs but last year had a one night stand.i have 2 girls 17 and 19 at sxith form and college.
    i have so much but as a person i feel so empty with no sense of self and identity.my wife says she lost me a long time ago. im always gauging myself against others i had a very isolated childhood and i think i just dont get other people. ive so many lifetraps etc dependance, entitlement, etc no sense of autonomy. im now on duloxetine 60mg a day which doesent help told my gp ifeel suicidal and waiting to hear from psychiatrist who is very vague to say the least!! i want to live but have no fight in me at all i just cry alot too.
    when i plan to end it, i play it all out writing letters preparing everything then i cant. i just want to turn the switch off and feel permantely at peace.
    can anyone help ?? mart.
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum.

    Did it help to post that out? Hopefully you will feel heard here, and feel able to be honest and know you won't be judged for it.

    It sounds like you have fought incredibly hard and worked so hard, so well done you, and good on you for fighting with everything you had.

    I read this sentence

    And I think that is something to hold onto so tightly! The fact you want to live is the most important thing. We all get times when we feel overwhelmed or so tired and drained, so we really can relate to those feelings. Have you tried just trying to 'be' and exist and effectively recharing your batteries, ready to fight again?

    Are you in the UK? Is there anything that you can think of that might benefit you?

    From some of the things you have said, I wonder if Dialectic Behavioural Therapy may of benefit to you. It teaches you a variety of skills, and some of those are about existing in the present, not comparing yourself, things like that- A group of skills, as a whole, called Mindfulness. I have found Mindfulness to be very beneficial to my anxiety, and wonder if it may help you too.

    I hope you are able to post and keep posting and find it helpful for you.
  3. martinculling

    martinculling Member

    hi thanks for your reply yes im living in the u.k. the thought of change scares me deep down i know i cant change but equally i cant accept myself either!
    its like i said about my job i cant handle it but cant bear to see someone else take over. i dont have any sense of direction for someone my age. my wife says im stuck in the past after quite a suppressed upbringing my grandmother got quite involved and was very draconion but shes also generous and i cant cope with this mixed message even now!! shes 86 now but strill tends to treat me as if ive never grown up. trouble is i still goe to her and my grandad its like an abused person still going back for more why is this? she had my mum by an american soldier but cos it was frowned up in the war my mums gran brought her up in the same victorian way while my mum had to call her mum auntie dot know why? i never did all the normal things as a teenager and its like im having a mid life crisis now. i dont think i should have been born i just feel f----- up in my mind. i need to hang on for my kids but its hard. in the last few years ive just see death as an escape. im at a crossroads and dont know which road to take !! hpoe to hear from you again !! mart
  4. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    If you 'know' you can't change, then you won't change. It may be that that, or similar, is a reason why the things you have tried have no yet worked; maybe you're not yet ready to get better. That is incredibly common, so its nothing to be ashamed of or anything if that's the case, but it is something to think about.

    Your wife sounds very aware. I'm sorry that you had a rough time. A person's upbringing has such a huge effect on the rest of their life. Have you ever tried talking to your grandmother about your upbringing?

    Your children need you. Their child and upbringing and their future will be completely different if their dad killed himself. They need you and knowing you know you need to hang on for them is a really good thing.
  5. martinculling

    martinculling Member

    hi scum,thanks for talking to me again i want to feel good about myself and the future but im so down in this black hole i dont know which direction to go in when i just want out til i sat with a rope around my neck then i cant.
    i then goe home as if nothings happened. i have to play it out and its the only time i feel in control with a sense of impending peace. a psycholgist told me the only person who can save me is myself and i can do it! i dont think i can i just always look for a rescuer! my mind is tired of ntrying to work it all out.
  6. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I completely agree with the psychologist. The only who CAN save you is you, and anyone can do that with the right support. If you continue to look for your rescuer then you won't ever get better because that rescuer is you. The right therapist can help guide you and support you and help you down the path. If you're always looking for someone else, then you won't ever give yourself fully to getting better.

    Have you ever tried contacting places like MIND or saneline?
  7. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hi Mart,
    I can't really add to Scum's great advice other to reiterate that you can do it with the support of places like SF and us. Nobody can do it alone, it is too much. I sure hope you are still going to that psychologist, are you? Like Scum says they will help guide you as you yourself do the work to save you.

    I think the fact that you are so aware of your situation is HUGE, most folks don't have a clue so you are almost home free on this issue, yes the hard part is ahead but it is doable.

    Well please please know we are here for you and use us as much as you like.

    Take care and feel free to PM me anytime.

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