what to do?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by sunshinesblack, Dec 23, 2010.

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  1. sunshinesblack

    sunshinesblack Well-Known Member

    Since my perfectly isolated socially i sped too much time with my family. They r both old (mentally)
    Am sick of old people, my demented dad is driving me nuts and I dont want to visit my soon to be ded grandparents.I dont think they need to see me like this, they know i have bad issues myself and just dont want to deal with the general illness reunion.
    I know its selfish but it brings me down so bad, i cant take it anymore, its like am in a nursing home full of demented dieing old people and its speeding my getting there up. Need to be alone am batter completely alone. Im 24 and they r form 55 to 95 y all of them.
    My mom wants us to go and booked transportation tomorrow(did not pay)
    I want to prepare for a job aplication and work as ususal and maybe enjoy not having my retarded dad around telling me all the time how to put the sugar in my coffe and other useful advice.
    Dunno if ill ever get out of this house (if I dont get one of these jobs am considering suicide by my birthday) but i cant take this anymore, they are like a deasease to me, they have been badly influenceing my life for so long (they where never the smartest people and now they r old too, wish i could find respect for that but i cant)
    Its just like burying myself in a casket for a few days and my moral cant take it anymore.
     
  2. damage.case

    damage.case Well-Known Member

    Being alone all the time isn't all it's made out to be.
     
  3. sunshinesblack

    sunshinesblack Well-Known Member

    how about being alone with a bunch of walking ded around?
     
  4. Ferodaktyl

    Ferodaktyl Active Member

    i'd guess simply refusing to go is not an option for you...
     
  5. sunshinesblack

    sunshinesblack Well-Known Member

    it is, they cant force me, but my mom will get sad and already tried to emotionally black mail me we may never see them again
    I had enough fights with her, i can say no and just refuse to go
    I guess i just feel a bit bad myself but frankly not sure i can afford to feel bad for others right now
     
  6. Ferodaktyl

    Ferodaktyl Active Member

    go with the lesser evil, but only you can decide
    each decision has its consequnces
    even better, sleep before u decide. sometimes helps
     
  7. damage.case

    damage.case Well-Known Member

    Can you go and just try to keep by yourself as much as possible?
     
  8. sunshinesblack

    sunshinesblack Well-Known Member

    I doubt ill have any batter judgment in the morning, i never do lol
     
  9. Ferodaktyl

    Ferodaktyl Active Member

    as i see it, if you go, you'll have a shitty time
    if you don't, you will feel selfish and still have a shitty time
    if i were you, i'd go. At least i'll have the moral upperhand, and something to blame for the shit but me.
     
  10. sunshinesblack

    sunshinesblack Well-Known Member

    i can but we have to sleep 3 in the same room, i can never go to sleep there so its hell since they get upset if i make noise or keep the light on, also have to stay in same room, theyll watch some retarded tv show and comment surprised on how retarded it is. I have to go say hi to all of them and chat some but have literally no intention/need/ reason/whatever in doing that. They are already depressed with thyr lifes and i dont need to share mine.
    My hillbilly aunt which was always nice to me suddendy changed atittude a while ago after my mom told her i have issues. Am still angry and my mom expects me to act like all is great and she likes me (is denieing its so), but i dotn think they want me there that much either, its more my mom that likes to play as she did all my life that everything is fine no matter what.
    I feel like crap even getting out of the house and have people see me and what mess im in.
    And ive been going there for years all memories i dont need now, itd really like some mental peace and focus.
     
  11. sunshinesblack

    sunshinesblack Well-Known Member

    :laugh:

    nah thing is i cant rally feel selfish anymore, wtf my mom wants me to pretend yet again and i am suicidal, can they handle that, do they accept me like that ? no! than fuck off, i have quite a lot of hate pent up
    Its just that feeling of total lack of connectedness emotionally, that pretending diminishes, but truth is, the less connected i am to them, the batter, i had to learn that the hard way
    My dad has been mental for at least 10 years and i had to accept every idiocy as respectable and worthy to considere atittude ......i rather not go to that place cause as i sayed i get angry at them and it does not go away easy

    oh, wanted to ad that i do want to have only myself to blame and look forward in not blameing these people, it gets kinda self insulting after a while
    there is peace in being the only one to blame, you know its you and that is still improvable, keeps the mental noise of others away and makes for more realism

    Guess its still really hard for me to accept my own blame but i have to move forward, ill end up blaming the dog next
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 23, 2010
  12. Ferodaktyl

    Ferodaktyl Active Member

    hmm....
    so you can choose not to go
    you also don't want to go
    more, you hate to go, and you could use some time on your own
    it's crystal clear, you must go:D:tongue:
     
  13. sunshinesblack

    sunshinesblack Well-Known Member

    yah exactly :D
    story of my life right there
    its just that i feel so easily guilty of all this
     
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