What to do

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kome, Apr 2, 2012.

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  1. kome

    kome Member

    I hope this is the right forum. edit: Until a moment ago it was in the crisis forum, since im delaying my suicide for a bit instead of today i put it here.

    Anyways, something happened in my life. Everyone else would see it as stupid. In fact im not even going to share it here since its so retarded. And its my fault anyways. There is something i blame someone else for, but even though they did something horrible to me its my fault for getting in the situation where they could do that to me in the first place.

    So something happened today, and it broke me. I cant really go on like this. I look at my normal life and its impossible. I cant continue in this state of mind. School, chores whatever. I cant do any of those anymore. While writing my suicide note i got a call from my father ordering me to do a chore, and i snapped (he doesnt know tho). What i want is to just go into bed and sleep off this feeling, i dont want to work. But thats not really an option, i got stuff to do and my parents arnt going to let me get away from doing those. The thought of doing any of those routine things right now is unbearable though.

    So thats why im here. A few moments ago i was deadset on dying. But there was someone i wanted to talk to first. Or maybe not talk but just to tell them im sorry. Not for killing myself, since they dont care about that. Well he's a human being so they probably would care if they knew i committed suicide. But im not going to put them through that. After everything else they deserves better than that. So when i die (soon?) they wont know.

    But i missed them. Twice. I have no other way of contacting them, and i just missed them by a few seconds both times.

    wait nvm, i just got in touch with them right now. Lets move on to other stuff.

    I hesitated about dying thinking i need to wait for them and now i just dont know. I still dont think i can continue, so suicide is still in my thoughts. Just not right now.

    I got my second day of classes tomorrow (new quarter and all). But im really not up to it. In my two hour biology class there's an important assignment, but i really cant bear the idea of going through a whole day of classes like this. Do you guys think i should skip all my classes instead?

    Well maybe what im really asking right here is if anyone can talk to me tonight. Im alone and got no one else in life. At least not anymore. There's no one else for me to talk to...

    edit: How did i even fuck this up? Ignore that last line, what im wondering right now is whether to skip class or not.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 2, 2012
  2. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Hi Kome.
    I don't know how old you are and because I'm 50 you might think I don't know what I'm saying that can relate to you... But I do, and I can relate. Many are here if you want to just chat it out. I can tell you that life has many ups and downs. I have myself been up and down through life... living the high life at friends mansions in Beverly Hills, and then down so low I was living in my van. From rags to riches to rags again, and then again in reverse and forward... Life changes over the years and there are times so low you don't think you can go on. Then, times change and happiness is abounding. Don't give up, just wait it out. Fight the fight that can be won. Think of a sports team that is down many points that comes back to win a game. Be that team. And, if you lose that game, there is the next one... or the next.
  3. kome

    kome Member

    Well ive always been a mariners fan...

    Heh, thanks for the advice and thanks for commenting. I'll try to keep it in mind. This isnt the first time ive been suicidal, so i know there are some moments where its better than others.

    God, im so embarrassed of my post up there. I made it while completely panicking out. :(

    Oh im 18 btw.
  4. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    My son was 18 when he.... left us.
    Don't ever do that. I can't even begin to tell you how that devastates those who care about you who are left behind.

    I remember being 18. It's a tough time. It does get better. Think about the things to come one day - marriage, kids, pets, homes, cars, good times with friends. It's all out there.
  5. kome

    kome Member

    Im sorry for your loss... i really am... i dont know what to say... :(
  6. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Thanks. Believe me, you don't want anyone you know to end up feeling like I do.
    Good talking with ya. :)
  7. kome

    kome Member

    Thanks, it was a pleasure and i'll keep that in mind.

    Anyways, to everyone else, still dont know whether to skip or not tomorrow... :\
  8. Anneinside

    Anneinside Well-Known Member

    Go to class... it will keep your mind busy and you won't add falling behind to your other concerns. I was a professor and I noticed the people who came to class and it made a difference for them. Just listening and thinking about the course content can help you even if you didn't get the assignment done. You'll learn and it will make a big difference in your test grades. ...

    Go to class. Sit. Listen. Think.
  9. kome

    kome Member

    Im sorry, i tried but i couldnt bring myself to do it. :(

    Im such a failure...
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 3, 2012
  10. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi kome - you sound a real nice 'kid' - (sorry, but when you're over 50 like me, anyone under 20 is a kid) - but really you're a wonderful young man just starting out on the adventure of life. You might not feel like that at the moment, but that is OK. Feelings come and go - and things happen in life - it's good to have a support team, somewhere to come to offload when they happen and your feelings about it all. this is a gr8 site for all of this.

    OK, so you skipped class - and it's made you feel bad. So, the solution hun, lies with you..... don't let this feeling beat you. The way to not let it beat you is to make it your goal to attend the next class. Even if you just go and do nothing else there, at least you did more than last time, and you can feel good about that.

    Start a journal about your feelings, and gradually you will get to be more in control of them, and understand that they do not need to dictate your life to you. I'll PM you a method that was given to me by a counsellor. Keep writing and getting to know yourself and us - support teams and cheerleaders :stars:
  11. kome

    kome Member

    Class is the farthest thing from my mind now. Something else came up and now i feel like shit again. And this time i pretty much have no choice but to go to class tomorrow. :(
  12. kome

    kome Member

    Oh shit oh shit shit shit shit shit.

    Im feeling suicidal again. I lashed out at my friend/crush over the internet and now im regretting it , and oh god im such a shitty person.
  13. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    These things are but moments in time and are forgotten quickly. Move on and mend because there is danger in trivializing when there is so much more to see and do.
  14. kome

    kome Member

    I do this to them all the time though. And one time i ended up geniuenly breaking our relationship. There's no way they'll forgive me for it again this time.

    Im such an idiot! I wanted them to return my feelings then i fucked that up! Now i wanted them to like me and i fucked that up as well! I didnt mean for it to end up like this! :(
  15. kome

    kome Member

    Okay, another day tomorrow and i gotta go to class.

    This is even harder than yesterday. Today was even worse than how it was yesterday. :(
  16. kome

    kome Member

    I cant believe this. Just when i finally get over this yesterday, i get stabbed in the back again and now im back where i am earlier this.

    Fuck me. Fuck them. Fuck my friends. I really wish i had a way i can hurt them, but nope, only know them online so i got no way to retaliate.
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