when i first started cutting years back, i would just make small cuts that i could hide easily and i wasn't addicted.. it was more like a sporadic thing i'd do when i was stressed. these past few months things have become unbearable and a few days ago i just went crazy... my arm is absolutely covered with cuts right now. today i realized how utterly stupid i've been by doing this to myself and made an appointment to see someone at my school's mental health service. but they told me i'd have to wait several weeks to see someone. so i said ok, it's better than nothing and i don't have the time to go further than my school campus to see a psychiatrist somewhere else. and i was sure i would stop. but then tonight as i was talking to my brother, the subject of cutting came up (he found out a long time ago that i do this, after he saw a few scars) and like many times before he started ridiculing me, saying i'm an emo kid crying out for attention, when no one but him knows that i cut, and i've always hidden them from people. i don't think anyone would even fathom that i do this to myself. and my brother also tells me that i "dwell" too much about the past whenever i refer to the times i was sexually abused when i was younger. he said i'm being stupid for thinking about it so much. after we got into a small argument, he basically just hung up. and i was angry of course, and this triggered another bout of cutting. i really feel stupid for this. i don't have anyone to talk to... i don't have any good friends i could talk to. i don't want to worry my parents and a part of me is certain they would also ridicule me and tell me to stop being so selfish and ignorant. i'm kind of afraid i might end up doing something worse if i happen to exprience a large enough trigger... i don't know. there's nothing else that makes me take my mind off the stress and pressure i have right now. sorry that was so long.