What to do

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by anuj, May 21, 2012.

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  1. anuj

    anuj Active Member

    I was fine yesterday. But today I am very upset and angry. The only reason I'm alive is that I really love my parents. I don't know what to do. I m smashing my hand. I have three options break my hand, cut or 10 aspirin. What should i do now? I know that in long run I should die.

    My elder brother is getting married today. He lives in another country. He didn't invited my to wedding. But its fine, we are still cool. The point is that he is smarter than me and he can take better care of our parents than me. But my parents won't shift to another country if I am here. So for the betterment of my parents I should die.
  2. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    Hi Anuj, I can imagine it must be very painful to feel rejected by your brother, someone who should be very close to you.

    I also know how you feel in regards to sibling rivalry. My younger brother is 3 years younger than me and smarter than I can ever hope to be. He is already in grad school for instance and I know he will soon get a job that will make my earnings look meager in comparison. Plus, I'm sure my parents like him better because he is not saddled with long-term depression and thoughts of suicide like me. Those things do not hold him back from living a full and happy life.

    Unfortunately, I don't know you. But I am willing to bet that your family will miss you if you pass away. Depression makes us think otherwise. I also feel that I will take a great burden off my family's shoulders when I die, I will spare them any futher humiliation and embarrassment by having such a failure of a son, brother, cousin, etc.

    You were just fine up until recently right? What was it that triggered you? The news that your brother wasn't going to invite you to his wedding? Currently, I am triggered by my upcoming birthday, the worst day of my entire life. : (
  3. anuj

    anuj Active Member

    I am not worried about my brother's wedding. In any case it wouldn't have been possible for me to go for wedding.
    I have screwed my life. I have broken family relations, friendships coz I was very sure that I will be dead soon. So I minimized the no. of people who would be effected. But they think that I am very bad person. And come to them only when I need. Anyway, I still have that advantage.
    I understand your horror to birthday. I remember mine. Everyone was happy except me. I know they were happy coz of party and not coz of the fact that I was born. Everyone should regret my birth.
  4. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    Yes, I also feel that my birth was a terrible tragedy to occur upon my family. Of course, they did not know this at first, but will only realize it now that I have become such a failure and disappointment and burden to them. I really wish my dad had thrown my pre-mature, weak and fragile body into an open sewer in Delhi where I would rot and die instead of taking me to a hospital to save my life, get me a breathing and feeding tube, etc. If he was able to look upon the future back then and see what I am now, he probably would have done it. I probably would have done it if I were him!!!

    I know what you feel about wanting to isolate yourself and break off all relations with your loved ones. I also want to do the exact same. I am not good enough for anybody. Everyone on this planet is better than me, I have a massive, severe inferiority complex, but I actually feel it is well warranted. If I told you all my details, you would understand how much of a utter loser I am. I am the textbook definition of that word. I am not good enough for any of my family members nor friends. I am not good enough for a relationship with a girl either. I am probably not good enough to keep a pet either.

    But I also want to isolate myself from everyone so that when I commit suicide, nobody will miss me. So far, I haven't lost anyone that I really loved. I have not gone through that terrible experience thus far. But I can only imagine the extreme sorrow and grief at losing a loved one. I think I would want to die before my parents so I don't feel sorrow at losing them. I don't want to cause sorrow to whomever still cares about me, whomever is still left. That is why right before I die, I'd prefer everyone to either hate me or just not care about me, not know that I exist. I would like if nobody at all came to my funeral. Just cut open my corpse, take away whatever organs you could and donate them and/or donate my body to science, etc. At least then, I would have done something meaningful with my pathetic life.

    All the feelings you are going through are very normal, exactly what all of us other depressed people go through with. You are in good company here.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 21, 2012
  5. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    I lost my son. I am a parent who has lived through what you propose and say. IT IS NOT better for your parents. My life is ruined. Think hard.
  6. anuj

    anuj Active Member

    I understand that it will be very hard for my parents. And I have tried very hard to keep me safe. But everytime it take hell lot of effort to move 2 step forward then something will happen and I am again at 0 even in minus sometimes. Now a days I self harm by medium od of aspirin. So sooner or latter I will die. There is nothing that can be done.

    @Rahul, don't be too hard on yourself. I believe in you that you will achieve. Just give yourself some time. Trust me you are not a failure. Just remember one thing though- rat race produces some winner rats and many looser rats, but only rats.
  7. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Anuj, that insight ^^ made me think and smile, so thank you. Someone who can come up with that out has lots more to offer the world.

    How do you think you have screwed up your life? What has happened? Maybe we can talk and find some constructive options to make things better. Hope you'll talk here, or feel free to PM me. I'm thinking about you and hoping you feel better. :hug:
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