What to write in a note?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by PK71, Nov 2, 2010.

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  1. PK71

    PK71 Active Member

    I'm "checking out" on Saturday, I have a hotel booked and everything ready so I'm getting my affairs in order.
    I need to write notes to my loved ones, I really don't want to as I know it will hurt to write them but not doing to would just cause them even more hurt. I will tell them it's not their fault and that they couldn't have saved me but what else?? I just want to tell them the right things to try and ease their pain.

    Thanks xxx
  2. Marlon

    Marlon New Member

    It doesn't seem like you want to let yourself go just yet... if writing that letter is the only thing stopping you from "checking out" then please don't write that letter.

    From what you wrote it sounds like you love your family and they love you back. Whats wrong?
  3. PK71

    PK71 Active Member

    I do want to let myself go now and I would but somebody is relying on me for something and that person has been good to me over the years so I can't let them down though if I really have to I wil - just need to try and make it to Saturday and then relief.
  4. Borrowed time*

    Borrowed time* Well-Known Member

    Can you tell us why you feel like this?
  5. PK71

    PK71 Active Member

    I've having suicidal thoughts for 13yrs (I'm 26) - doesn't really matter what the latest trigger is as it's one in a long line and I'm just tired.
    See I've felt this bad for about two weeks (in crisis rather than the usual depression) and you know I felt like giving up two weeks ago but I'm a fighter, I've had to be to deal with this for so long and I gave it my best shot, went back to the GP, went back to the local NHS mental health crisis team (been there before lol) and at first that was fine.

    They gave me a four day supply of Diazepam which helped a lot but they wouldn't prescribe any more and the last nurse I saw there, well he said if I get depressed or anxious I should make a cup of tea or if I'm out count any red cars I see to distract me. How patronising! I've literally had my world ripped apart and the best they can offer is telling me to make a cup of tea, like hello? I've sort of managed for 13yrs, do you not think it's beyond the mild distraction stage? I love being spoken to like I'm a teenager on a bit of a downer.

    Anyway, I digress, I've given it my best shot. I know this is going to hurt the people who care about me but tbh I've been living for other people for far too long - people are selfish, they'd rather see me alive and living in misery to save their own grief than find the one bit of piece I need. I don't blame them, it's human nature but now it's mine turn to be selfish and I hope they can understand my reasons for it. So my mind is firmly made up.
  6. Borrowed time*

    Borrowed time* Well-Known Member

    I agree what they said to you was very patronising. I was actually disgusted reading that. Can you ask to speak to the doctor again or at the very least a different nurse?
    I know what its like to make a firm decision and decide to stick by it but there is still time to change your mind. I hope you keep talking on here.
    Im sorry if im not helping much but i do care and will help as much as i can.
  7. PK71

    PK71 Active Member

    Well after that I just didn't go back to the next appointment. That was a week ago and they eventually got round to calling me yesterday to ask if I was OK, I said yes and they discharged me. There really isn't anything they can do - it sounds really negative but I've exhausted all avenues over the years, medication, therapy, self help and more. It's like imagine it was cancer and the Doctor had tried and failed to send it in to remission, eventually he's going to turn around and say that's all he can do, it's terminal. Well, this is terminal.

    Hey, don't be sorry, I like talking on here, you are helping, this makes things a little easier to get by atm, thank you
  8. Borrowed time*

    Borrowed time* Well-Known Member

    Are you in the UK?
    You have have a really bad service from the system and im sorry for that.
    I understand what you are saying when you say this is terminal, i just dont feel it has to be. I have also been wanting to die for 13 years, since i was 12 to be exact. Thats as far as we are similar. You at least tried to get help. I still hope you dont do it and decide to live for yourself, not for any one else.That is a truelly selfish act in my opinion.
    Im usuallylurking around some where if you ever want to talk
    Take care:hug:
  9. PK71

    PK71 Active Member

    Yep in the UK, you? The system is awful but mental illness is a second class illness in the eyes of many.

    Why haven't you got help? Might work. I do believe in exhausting all the options.
  10. Borrowed time*

    Borrowed time* Well-Known Member

    Yes, east midlands.
    It shouldnt be seen as a second class illness, it affects so many people and not just the person suffering with the mental illness.
    Theres no help for me, im not depressed. I just dont want to live.
  11. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I really hope you change your mind....try more help...reach out to someone..

    I am a mother who lost a child almost the same age as you to suicide....
    there is nothing you can say that will make things easier for your loved ones...
    we were left a suicide note and it was left to the whole family and friends in general..
    I wish I'd had my own specific note to cherish but still that wouldn't be any compensation for my loss...I want to hold him and tell him I love him and make him stay....
    I want to be with him...my life is over
    I know I can't talk you out of it if you're serious...I'm not trying to make you feel guilty.

    I just want you to know what it will be like for those you leave behind...Hell!!
    Way better to stay and keep trying and keep trying and keep trying...
    i know how difficult that is as I've suffered depression on and off for most of my life..
    reason I'm still here :- don't want to cause my family any more of this pain

    I wish I could make it better for you...*hug*
  12. Astronaut

    Astronaut Member

    I agree about that nurse being patronizing ( not to focus back on a negative subject). It's interesting to think of depression as terminal. I guess that true for some mental illnesses. It's definatly not your fault, don't ever let anyone tell you it is ( you probably know that but it was worth repeating).
  13. PK71

    PK71 Active Member

    But my hell is worse that what they will feel. Surely if they love me they wouldn't want me to live like this?
    My Mum has two other sons and two daughters to look out for, she'll be strong for them I know.

    So that's a note for my mum and one for a special friend.
  14. Juliaa

    Juliaa Well-Known Member

    I really, really hope you change your mind. Please.
    Your family loves you, so much. You may not understand that or know how much. But they do.
    Please think this over. They will blame themselves, no matter what kind of note you leave. Their lives will be shattered.
    Don't do this to them, and certainly do not do this to yourself. You're worth living. Please.
  15. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    there's a fair chance that your Mum will follow you down the same road regardless of how many other children she has...and the hell you're in now (I'm speaking from both sides of the fence here) will be hers when you go...

    you are precious to her and nothing will ever replace you....please try and find some more help
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 3, 2010
  16. PK71

    PK71 Active Member

    No, she'll be fine, she's a strong woman that much I know. Well obviously she'll be devastated and no she wont be able to replace me but she wouldn't commit suicide. Time heals grief.
  17. ThinkingCap

    ThinkingCap Well-Known Member

    Time heals grief? If you have enough love to want to write a farewell letter to your family, then you sure as hell have enough love to keep them from pain altogether. Your pain, this pain, is difficult. I'm not doubting that for a second. But if, as you say, time can heal their grief, why can't it heal yours? What makes you so different from them? You have been treated horribly by your doctor and nurses, but instead of turning away and giving up, why wouldn't you fight harder? You have literally nothing to lose, you're at the end of your rope, you're exhausted, so why not try one more time? Nothing can hurt you now, you've already hurt yourself enough.

    Thinking and writing about suicide is pain in and of itself, and just by seeing how intense you are about this I know you've been thinking about it seriously for a long time. But know that your life isn't over yet. You have not run out of time, you can still get help. Is there any way that you could get in contact with a psychiatrist who could prescribe you something that would help? It sounds as if the diazepam was helpful, and if you could get some to carry you over until you don't feel so terrible anymore I think that would be good. Or have you gotten in contact with any psychologists near you? I too understand how mental illness is perceived as a second rate illness, it's definitely the same here in America. But you are hurt inside, even though no one else can see it, and there is still time for you to heal. Have you tried talking with your family? Is there anyone that you would trust to help you? Please reach out for help, you can still come back from this.

  18. PK71

    PK71 Active Member

    Thank you for the reply, so thoughtful.
    The thing is I can't fight harder, if I do I'll lose control of my emotions and the person who I blame for the latest trigger will get hurt and I'll still end up back here.

    I know the hurt suicide causes to loved ones, my Father killed himself a decade ago.
  19. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    How does that make you feel, the loss of your father? Do you feel like someone should have seen or known what was going on with him?

    I to wish you would rethink your decision, since youve been dealing with depression for so long you know about the ups and downs.

    No matter how you write or word your letters, your family, your mother will blame themselves for not being able to help you. Dont let this be a cylce of your life, dont let the depression win. I know thats easy to say when all you feel is nothing but happiness cause you think this is going to solve something, or make things better. Thats the depression brain washing you, tell it NO you will not hurt yourself, you will fight to be here another day.

    Im sorry that docs were unable or uninterested in helping, I get that alot here in the US, the "drive thru" system is a joke. Its a shame that your dismissed like you were, can you give another hospital or doc a try?
  20. ThinkingCap

    ThinkingCap Well-Known Member

    I understand not wanting to hurt the person responsible for the latest trigger, but the difference between killing yourself and confronting the latest trigger is that after you kill yourself no one has a chance to ask why or say that they're sorry. But if the person who caused the latest trigger is told that they have done so, or find out that they have, there is time to talk it through. To figure out what happened, and if they care about you, or you have a strong enough connection, you'll be able to move past it into a more understanding relationship.

    Do you see the difference between the two? Suicide causes hurt that can never be justified, no matter how many letters you write or how long they are. Fighting harder and losin control of your emotions causes hurt that is temporary and can be worked through with time. Either way the people you love, and the person who triggered you, will get hurt, but fighting harder will allow you to alleviate the pain faster and completely. When someone is dead, they can't answer the millions of questions that arise from their death, you see?

    Even though I don't know you, even though I have no reason to care about you, even though we've only shared a few lines of conversation, if you were to never come back after this Saturday, I would feel it. I would feel your absence. Now imagine what that will feel like for the people you love. I know you can empathize with them since you lost your father, but the difference this time is that you have control over whether or not it happens.

    You don't have to respond to me on this one, but just think about it; is there anyone there that you can reach out to? Anyone that you can be with while you regain your grounding? I understand how difficult this can be, I recently had to hurt someone I love because I started cutting myself again and needed help. It wasn't easy seeing him hurt and scared for me, but it will be better than allowing myself to get worse and worse and attempting again. Please talk to someone that you can rely on and trust, they care about you and want to see you live for years and years. They would rather have to help you survive to live, than have to survive your suicide.

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