What triggered your downward spriral

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by SadDude87, Jul 27, 2008.

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  1. SadDude87

    SadDude87 Well-Known Member

    I've been thinking about it, and I know when it happened for me.

    I used to be the eternal optimist, bordering on narcissistic. I thought I was both clever and beautiful. If people were staring at me, I assumed it was out of awe or jealously. I could make mistakes and just laugh it off, because in the back of my mind I always just thought I was great. Great, and destined for great things. Nothing could phase me.

    Then, one day I looked at a photo of myself. And suddenly I realised. I am not all that good looking. I'm only average. In fact, I was ugly. This was a huge shock. I became obsessed. I got my digital camera out and started taking shots of my face, close up. I had never seen myself in this light before. Every imperfection was magnified by the flash. I was horrified. Suddenly, my 'back up', of atleast I am good looking, was gone. Then, I went to college. I began failing classes. I realised I was not all that smart either. My other back up. Gone.

    Superficial jerk? Yes, probably. But I think all happy people are like that - deluded, but in a good way. Most people hold a higher opinion of themself than is warranted - its called a healthy self esteem, even if its based on delusion. But I had become a realist.This turned into full blown depression, paranoia and anxiety. Whenever someone would stare at me I assumed it was because I looekd weird. Every mistake I made really hurt, and I would feel extremely dumb all the time. I could barely drive a car witha passenger without having a panic attack, imagining taking the wrong turn, looking like a fool.

    In about 6 months I swung from self love to self hate, and I have never matured out of the self hate phase. It still follows me aroudn today and affects all my work, relationships and school.

    How about you?
  2. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    recently it's been flashbacks and dealing with them.

    i just need to keep myself very emotionally/physically safe at the moment.
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    my trigger was loneliness
  4. Earn

    Earn Well-Known Member

    My girlfriend leaving me for another guy.and realizing that she was my only hope for happiness.
  5. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member


    As it was a very long spiral downwards there was a number of different triggers - bullying, living in a large family, having two learning difficulties that was never diagnosed during school, a number of harmful friendships.....that about squashed my self-esteem.
    But now these have been resolved so i'd have to say the trigger is being unable to live up to my own expectations and realising that in reality everything is tarnished and there is nothing that can be done about it.
  6. Lucie

    Lucie Well-Known Member

    My mum's death and getting kicked out collage.
  7. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    Hmmm, As far as I know, i was born this way....

    I recall being depressed and suicidal at three years old. I have never known the other side. "fading" has always been with me.......it just transferred in other ways like eating disorders,OCD etc etc.
  8. Shock

    Shock Well-Known Member

    i think for me when it happened when i was 6 and started school. i was so use to having my freedom and then all of a sudden it was taken away and there was rules and boredom and constantly getting into trouble for doing stuff i thought was normal and (even thinking at that age) i had every right to do as a free human being. it might sound stupid but how well does school institutionalise young minds? and when you look back at it how freedom restricting is it? dont speak untill your spoken to, be detained after hours, truency officers, do this work or get yelled at, were a uniform. If this happened in the adult world it would be unacceptable (unless it was like your job and you got PAID to do it and had a union and mutual respect amoung peers etc).

    yeah might sound silly but it think i didnt integrate into the system very well and felt like a prisoner. i think thats when it all began for me
  9. lavendR23

    lavendR23 Active Member

    something similar like that happened to me.
    growing up I always thought I was fat and ugly but i was at least
    smart and capable.
    then suddenly I lost alot of weight and became a "hottie" in other peoples eyes.
    but then i got harassed at work, treated unfairly, underpaid and then couldn't get another job. then i started gaining weight.
    and everything i had feeling smart, capable, pretty and thin was suddenly ripped from me at once and all the horrible feelings from my childhood came back. Im still struggling with it.
  10. i believe it was the girl i love leaving me and the fact that i have no future in the career that i want to pursue.
  11. Lady Byron

    Lady Byron Well-Known Member

    If anyone cares, for me it was when I was about 12/13 when my cousin moved in and destroyed everything that was already falling apart. Then it also became the looks for me. I only ever truly loved myself when I was about 10 and then this girl moved to our school and turned me against myself (if that makes any sense). My friends have always put me down. They always pointed out a flaw and I always tried to fix it. When I found I couldn't, I turned to self-loathing. Then my cousin moved in and used that against me too. She took everything from me and made it hers. My family, most of my friends, everything. I turned to cutting and then a guy who was 7years older than me and I landed here on SF. It's kind of funny now though, because when I think I look my worst, my family and friends all say, "Wow, you're so beautiful." after all that time saying I was shit. Funny, cause even though they see beauty, I still see shit.
  12. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    I just read you "diary" here Lord Byron. It was quite refreshing to read your posts as alot of the dynamic and emotions reminded me of how I feel inside. I too am one of those quiet ones.....in my younger years....sitting in the back but digesting everything that was going on around e.

    I know what you mean.....everyone says I am beautiful too and blah blah blah but inside, I wanna bash my face into a wall and strangle myself.

    It said you were in Yakima,........i'm on the other side of mtns.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 29, 2008
  13. ZundertowZ

    ZundertowZ Well-Known Member

    betrayals of close friends and family!
  14. saint6

    saint6 Well-Known Member

    school and people
  15. .black-rose.

    .black-rose. Member

    ... being bullied by my class teacher when I was nine. Being called 'mad professors daughter' only because we'd read a piece of a story with the same name and the girl in the story had green eyes, and so do I. Then when I was 11, until now rly, being called 'fat cow', 'stupid bitch' , being pinched, shoved into things, my things being thrown about classrooms, having this one lad kick me, slap me - and he did this in a lesson, we were both sat from row, right infront of the teachers' desk, teacher didn't bat an eyelid-he'll take things out of my pack lunch box, he's tried to steal my iPod shuffle twice, he's also stabbed me in the leg twice with a biro. My head of year knows about it, my Y8-9 form tutor knows. Yet nothings been done.
    My form tutor's said to the lad who's also making another girls life made hell by this boy 'I don't give a damn what you do to her, as long as you don't make her cry, otherwise I'll have to do something about it.' This lad also stabbed the girl in the arm with a biro. Yet he was only suspended for two days. Why does he get away with so much. Because he's got aspergers.
    Having him constantly pinch my stomach and go, 'God, arent you fat' has got me to the point where I'll count calories in everything, so I know how much I've eaten, hating myself if I go over a certain amount. I'm only doing this so he's stops calling me fat. Probably not going to happen. He'll find something else to use against me.

    Oh god, I've written a blooming essay! In short, being bullied almost constantly from being nine, til now, and having barely anything done about it.
  16. drome_nut

    drome_nut New Member

    Being told by the guy I loved that he'll never love me. It broke me.
  17. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    My daughter committing suicide, my counsellor leaving, my work trying to get rid of me. Internet bullying.
  18. darkrider

    darkrider Well-Known Member

    As a kid I was always very quiet, shy and anxious. I guess I was a bit 'different'. My life was ok, though I never took advantage of things when I should, so I didn't develop much apart from intellectually. When I went to college at 16 that's when my depression came on. I missed all my friends from high school, and I didn't like the people much at college, I didn't like my college. I was confused on subjects to take and generally my life direction. I didn't really see anyone out of college, so got lonely, and just struggled to be more outgoing, I kind of caved in on myself, lost myself along the way. I also struggled with acne, and hyperhidrosis which effected my self confidence big time. I've never really had any out going 'popular' friends as such. These days I have more self confidence to do things, but everything else is still the same. Life direction etc. It's like I can't find who I am. The world is very cold, lonely. Wishing I was some other famous person with a good life.
  19. Feared.Desire

    Feared.Desire Well-Known Member

    I'm going to say that I don't need a trigger, I just tell myself that they exist.
    I think the chemicals in my body just start to fail, and then those chemicals force me to blame my being miserable on other random things, that probably actually have nothing to do with it.
    Does that make sense? Sorry if it doesnt, haven't got a good nights sleep in over two weeks.
  20. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    i so wish i knew
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