What wanting suicide feels like...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sucidiekid, Jun 8, 2011.

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  1. Sucidiekid

    Sucidiekid New Member

    I will like to explain my life story, but it bugs me to think that presenting it to anyone will invoke any sort of real sympathy and I find it embarrassing to ask for pity out of the pride that I have left, because my life story is worth a laugh that I don't think is funny to experience as a comedy. (Forgive me I don't mean to be rude) I will like though to describe exactly in as much detail how wanting to commit suicide feels like. Recently, I wrote about my feelings based on past events that has now changed me to this day.

    Pain is not predominately a physical attribute more than it is an emotional one. What I'm saying is that pain is more emotional than physical. Let me help you understand for those of you who never felt true sorrow and/or pain so great it killed you alive... killed your spirit (emotions) and now you're this useless body worth throwing away like a machine that knows when to shut itself down or "Self terminate" for lack of purpose, because I believe purpose comes with feeling for something; which requires emotion and if there is no emotion there is no feeling, no purpose and without purpose there is no reason or means to exist as much as any tree or the dirt beneath our feet has any choice of doing so until cut down; so I mind as well join the dirt and be buried. (This is not a death note... I love that show btw)

    It's pain like being hurt when you experience that first great rush of pure anger and you're so mad that you can hit a wall, because your rage now larger than life can take on any physical suffering rendering any threat of possible injury meaningless to you. However, anger is not the only emotion that plays a role to the road to "What Wanting Suicide Feels Like". For the need to commit suicide is different for everyone, but what I can describe it as the shallow (shallow being define as lacking in depth of knowledge, thought, or feeling) form of anger and sadness that leads to the feeling of what could be mistaken for apathy, but is not though instead a numb a sort of numb feeling made by that fateful event or some other event you can’t pick out, because the pain is now source less. One thing is for sure is that everyone who experiences the want for suicide experiences by analogy getting hit by a vehicle and getting fatally injure not realizing your hurt until you look down and see yourself bleeding out, but there’s no pain (endomorphism); however you do feel yourself slipping away from consciousness slowly dying. The doctors can easily patch you up and with time you'll heal from this physical accident--this is wrong in the case of being suicidal…, because you can’t heal and chances are you won’t heal for awhile or at all--out of the fact that this pain is emotional subtle damage that cannot be healed by any ordinary doctor, because the doctor can’t see the source of pain--he/she can only give you suppressants for them and that never works… ignoring the reality that you are dying and bleeding out emotionally to one day you lose all feeling and the more you try to feel the more pain it causes from brief angers to crying. You cut yourself every now and then and realize that whatever you have left to feel has now made you a zombie unaffected by physical pain at all…, because inside you are already dead…. The only option is to end the continually emotional suffering in connection with the body and just end your own life. (I'm being poetic--not serious... i guess) When you’re a zombie you infect others with your misery from your parents, friends and peers began to see you as some sort of curse; not realizing that there’s a person… literally dying right, before their eyes bleeding out and there’s not a got damn thing they can do, because their eyes can’t see the subtle spirit that leaves you gradually until you can no longer bare that of your very own existence on this planet and hang yourself.

    If I had to say it suicide is nothing, but another form of homicide… because this world is killing me and everyone is literally watching me die and they don’t care… it’s just another news broadcast worth their entertainment. There are days where I realize and feel I was born into the wrong era; thus now I’m giving this deathly life 1 more chance and one more year to redeem itself into something meaningful by 2012 on my birthday. Thank you, and I hope this essay teaches you a little something about the meaning of what wanting suicide feels like. -- Suicide Kid
  2. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum. :smile:

    Please do not set deadlines, okay? It only adds anxiety on top of whatever else you may be going through.
  3. Sucidiekid

    Sucidiekid New Member

    Thanks, glad to be here. Didn't know where to share that information and then I thought about placing it in a place like this.
  4. plshelpme

    plshelpme Well-Known Member

    hang in there kid...i definitely know where your world is...i've been there more than i'd ever wish upon anyone else...and i think most ppl on this forum can agree...
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