What was your reason?

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by agwoodliffe, Nov 13, 2014.

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  1. agwoodliffe

    agwoodliffe Active Member

    For some people, it's guilt. Others, it's being unable to fit in (myself included).
    What's yours?

    More importantly, what stops you?
  2. Heidia37

    Heidia37 Member

    Mine is pain my life hurts so much. Everytime I let someone get close they hurt me so I have to distance myself. I can't deal with the pain
  3. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    What stops me from doing it is the fact that I am trying to improve my life, and for once I have hope for the future. I didn't have that before, and that's why I didn't care if I lived or died. Besides the fact that I know it would really hurt a few people, and I don't want them to feel that way on account of me.
    Katryn likes this.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    When I was severely depressed, nothing stopped me, I was too depressed to even think properly. Thankfully that has now gone and I am glad I survived, even the depression is gone, I am thankfully no more suicidal, but what would stop me is family, and not wanting him to win, I believe If I did go through with it he would feel it was completely over him and that he won. Also like you I feel like I don't fit in often, I think a lot of people feel that 'cos a lot of the time it's the truth that we all different so a lot of feel like an outcast.
  5. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    I guess failure, guilt and loneliness are driving me. Made many lousy decisions and am paying the bill now. Did not save money like I should have. Wasted it really. Did not develop skills I needed to earn a decent wage. Many, many, many layoffs. Ate, ate and ate. All my life have focused on food. Been highly criticized for it. Learned to hate myself because of it. Never learned to even like myself, let alone love myself. How can someone love me, when I hate myself so. No confidence. No relationships. Am old now. Unemployed. No resources. Don't want to live in poverty. Don't want to be a burden.

    I guess fear keeps me here. Fear of pain in the process of death. Also, its just not natural to take your own life. I wish it was.
    Katryn likes this.
  6. Chloeinoz

    Chloeinoz Banned Member

    First of all I broke my wrist then I was admitted on and off for major depression over a 3 month
    Period in and out a revolving door. During one of my stays I started suffering
    From agonising stomach pain, I was sent to emergency where they found
    My gastric band had slipped. I was classed as an emergency but waited 3 days nil
    By mouth, having fentanyl morphine and chemo drugs but I was still in agony and vomiting
    The other thing that happened was that I was showered by a male nurse even tho I protested
    After the op I went back to the psych hospital after release I was feeling much better
    Then after about 4 weeks I started getting chest pain and shortness of breath and a feeling
    Of dread I couldn't get a full breath in I saw my psych who did some urgent bloods and told
    Me to go see my dr, my dr called an ambulance and on way to hospital my psych calls and says
    You have a pulmonary embolism they did loads of tests and determined that I have 4 blood clots
    In my left lung 30% of people with it die and recently I wish that was me. I don't know what else
    Can go wrong I was admitted into icu again last week bc of chest pain and shortness of breath and my
    Dr told me my lungs are inflamed because of the clots.

    I was going to make an attempt last tues I had filled my repeat scripts worked out what drugs were deadliest but then I did something stupid I went online to a help website and put my phone no in and said I plan to kill myself 30 mins later police and ambulance turned up they even tracked my husbands cell no anyway I refused to go with them
    My husband took my car keys to bed with him but I found the spare set. I went and parked and just sat and went back and forth in my head I truly believe if the police hadn't come I'd be dead now. Anyway I had been sitting for about 2 hours with lots of pills and alcohol so instead of taking what would kill me I took 20 sedatives then after a while I rang a help line told them how I felt and told them about the sedatives, they wanted to call an ambulance but ironically I was
    Parked in the hospital car park because it's so busy I thought I wouldn't get noticed. On a previous attempt
    I'd parked secluded and was found in a coma a week and survived anyway I went into ER and they rushed me straight through and put on all the moniters. The reason I didn't kill myself that night was my children they are all I have left to live for.
  7. Georgina fletcher

    Georgina fletcher New Member

    I survived an overdose almost exactly a yr ago. A lot of mental illness and suicides in my family.
    My sister just <mod edit- methods> She lost partner 4 yrs ago and has been in deep pain since.
    I am really feeling for the witnesses <mod edit- methods>
    I am still depressed but I cannot let my children go through what happened last year and vowed never to attempt suicide again. I was in a coma and my children had to see me like that.

    I will now have to get over the awful way in which my sister died and still live with my mental illness.

    When I do feel suicidal I think about my children and also the fact that once you do it that's the end. No going back.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 20, 2014
  8. K8E

    K8E Well-Known Member

    Reasons why:
    Serious, life limiting physical illness and severe depression, generalised anxiety disorder and borderline personality disorder.
    A long history of abuse of all kinds beginning in early childhood.
    In the middle of my second divorce from an emotionally abusive partner, first husband was physically abusive.
    Off ill from a very good job which I may lose because either they won't take me back or I won't cope.
    My adult son barely speaks to me.
    I have very few friends, mainly acquaintances and colleagues.
    My parents are dysfunctional always arguing, always short of money, both elderly and one of them is terminal with cancer and the other is delevoping dementia.
    My current partner is hard work as he has high functioning Asperger's. He's a brilliant scientist but can't remember to buy milk let alone use a washing machine.
    I have achieved nothing so far despite having great promise at school and uni. I have wasted opportunities, made rubbish decisions and am in physical and mental pain everyday.

    Reasons not to:
    My son, my family and partner, my colleagues and students, those would clean up and deal with the suicide, this who might read about and decide to go ahead (newspaper reports are very triggering for me).
    The hope that I can create the life that I want to live and that the pain can be managed.
    The fear of the method not being completed and ending up disabled which is why I have a highly lethal plan.
  9. K8E

    K8E Well-Known Member

    I am sorry about your sister. I can't imagine the horror and pain you must feel. Stay strong. You are in my thoughts.
  10. Big M

    Big M Well-Known Member

    I will be perfectly honest and say I did not have any major childhood traumas, no abuse. A job I liked and co-workers I liked too. People liked me. I do have a very mentally ill mother. It's mostly genetic for me and there are some suicides in my family. I did feel more alienated the older I got, but that was really depression. I had been dealing with depression and anxiety issues for about fifteen years and it got really out of control. I was battling substance abuse, depressed out of my mind. No hope in the future for a long time then I stopped sleeping for days. I found a lethal way that wasn't previously available to me. Almost died. Most days I wish I had but I can't imagine how awful it would have been for my family. I try to remind myself of that a lot. Since then what stops me from trying is well: my medication, my fear of surviving with a major injury and/or suffering a long and painful death, and not wanting to hurt my family. Depending on the day it's one more than the others I'm sorry to say.I should have way more reasons really but I've lost all my pride and I just keep going for those reasons. I don't even really believe in god but I pray things will change for us.
  11. Summit

    Summit Member

    Probably what stops me is watching my son and 5 friends carry a casket when they were 16. They didn't even fit into their suit coats. They were little boys. Their best friend was normal (they thought) and happy and the next day the teacher announced he had<mod edit - methods>. I have his name tatooed on my wrist because I have always thought about suicide and I have guilt about his death. That I knew I felt something wasn't right and didn't just get in his business and really try to get him to let it out. I go to his grave often. I think of him often and try to remind myself of the horrifying sadness of watching everyone at the funeral. His brother wouldn't let go of the coffin, they had to peel him off of it screaming and crying. So, I try my best to not do it. I fight the battle daily. It would kill my kids. And some of my family. Sadly many in family don't 'get it' and think I'm just a sad sack. Sometime I want to follow thru just to hurt them and show them I can do it and they were naive to think depression is faked or being dramatic. It's a bleak black place and no sunshine comes in. It's real.
  12. illtronic

    illtronic New Member

    constant threat of being homeless and psychotic episodes are pushing me to grab a *** and end it, tho my dreams make me feel like i can be more than that. Each day is a struggle, and each day i move forward and get something done keeps me from ending it. Somehow i feel purpose i love to paint graffiti and once i hold down a job i want to start making music. its the little things in life and i hope i dont rob myself of my passion cause i snap and try to kill myself... my mind is sick and i hope i can heal it before its too late, i wish i could get professional help but i cant afford it....
  13. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    The pain of surviving a failure. Others picking up pieces that I'll leave behind.
  14. Nicolen

    Nicolen New Member

    It was a build up of things. I did it right after someone I thought cared about me didn't want to see me anymore but it wasn't just because of that person, it was because it's happened to me so many times that I just couldn't deal with the pain I was feeling at that moment. The months leading up to it were some of my loneliest as well that I just had this breaking point where I couldn't take it anymore.
  15. turryburry

    turryburry Well-Known Member

    I feel isolated even here. I'm just done with living. Arthritis for 20 years and now it's spreading. People have hurt me and screwed me over but no one comes to mind at the end. I want to do before it's done to me--if that makes sense. No one is going to kill me but my body has started breaking and who knows what's in store for me in the future. No kids, no husband, no sex drive, no job. Actually hoping I'm not offered a job because I don't want to let the people down when I check out.

    My brain works different than other people's. I stayed alive for my family for years but .....(afraid to write anymore because I'm afraid of failure and words coming back to me!)
  16. agwoodliffe

    agwoodliffe Active Member

    No way. Absolutely not. You can't throw in the towel yet. I'm a fine one to talk, as the temptation creeps over my mind a lot.
    But it seems best to try at least every other possibility first.

    Remember, this is a proper illness we're dealing with here. And every year they're finding more effective ways of dealing with it.
    Myself, for example, I Googled a while ago ''Remedies for Treatment Resistant Depression'' and I found a lot of interesting options. I can't really say more than that, as my circumstances most likely aren't the same as yours (+the admin definitely wouldn't approve!).
    But if you feel you are at the end of your line, you may as well try and find every other option you can.
    And I say that as well to every other person on here who feels suicidal.

    And also, NOBODY is isolated here.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 28, 2015
  17. munkey82

    munkey82 Member

    My wife had a mental break down, in the process she decided she would leave me for another man and take everything from me. She accused me of rape and I was arrested, put on bail and I didn't see or talk to my children for 3 months.the day before I was due to answer bail I walked 14 miles into a local forest and started taking various tablets, after a few I sat down and felt a warm breath on my neck, there was a Stag standing next to me with its face almost beside mine... It looked at me for almost a minute before walking off. I'm not sure why but i couldn't do it after that.
  18. rinovatio

    rinovatio Member

    Unfortunately there are many reasons, for why I want to leave this place, but at the moment, the main reason is that I want a silence, not as a noise, sound etc, but this inner silence, where no thought is heard, where no one can come into that place and shout or just even whisper.

    I guess I can't say that there was something stopping me of doing it, because I already had 2 attempts, first one came easliy, the second, which happened last year, came a bit tougher. I'm not a religious person, so the idea of heaven and hell for me doesn't mean anything, but I'm unsure of afterline and most of the time it frightens me for 2 reasons, 1 is that there is some hellish place (not in biblical sense), where I keep reliving over and over all those feelings (in that sense that I didn't get a closure from my life - hope that it's understandable). The second reason, is that I kinda believe in karma, which of course applies only to my - I mean that I had to do something extremely horrible in my previous life and in this life I'm getting punished and if I quit this life, then I'll reborn anew and all this hell will start over...
  19. kristellechou

    kristellechou Well-Known Member

    Why? I feel like I am beyond help and all those around me who are trying to help me will be better off without me.

    Why not? I'm too chicken to try it again. I can't even figure out how i found the courage to go through with it that one day years ago.
  20. RedDress

    RedDress New Member

    @SillyOldBear, I identify with everything you just said here. I want to say something hopeful here, but I feel exactly the way you do. Very similar experiences for me, as well. I just want to tell you that you're not alone.
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